Bring It On Buffy, Bring It On!
by Magenta1
Summary: BtVS/Bring It On/Angel/Intw/vamp. Buffy & Angel characters meet the cheerleaders of Bring It On! Missy, Courtney, Cliff & Taurence all have secrets that can cause problems when they go to Sunnydale! Lots of revenge! Cheerleaders try to take over the world
1. Let's go to Sunnydale!

Bring It On, Buffy, Bring It On!  
  
Takes place in about season 6 of Buffy and season 3 of Angel. Takes place right after the episodes Gone and Birthday. However, as far as my story is concerned, Angel doesn't know anything that happened in Sunnydale after Buffy's death, other than she's back. Buffy's clueless about Angel as well. Sometimes, the events and time periods may not make sense, but it's hard, ok?  
  
Ok, before I begin my story, I just want to point out how Buffy The Vampire Slayer and the movie Bring It On are related:  
  
1 Missy- Same girl who plays Faith  
  
Not to mention she transferred from L.A., never cheered before and has killer moves with a serious attitude!  
  
Courtney- Same girl who plays Glory  
  
Both are bitches who think the world revolves around them. Like to be in control, and very into their appearances. Both have a thing against blond in control.  
  
Cliff- Well, he reminds me of Xander, okay?!? The whole having a crush on a beautiful blonds out of their league, their laid back style, they're so much alike, it's scary. Except Cliff gets the blond, but I'll get into that later.  
  
Taurence- She played a vampire named Claudia in Interview With The Vampire. (It's a stretch, okay?!?  
  
Not to mention that Buffy was a cheerleader before she became the slayer and tried out for cheerleader in Sunnydale. She and Taurence are very similar in many respects. Blond beautiful, popular (well, Buffy used to be), the leader of their group, weird names, etc. The similarities are endless.  
  
Okay, I could go on and on about the similarities for awhile, but you probably want to start reading!  
  
2 Scene 1: L.A., here we come!  
  
(Summer vacation has begun, and Missy, Taurence and Cliff all decide to go on a road trip. Taurence blindfolds them both and won't say where they're going. She wants it to be a surprise)  
  
Missy: How long have we been on the road, Taurence? I'm beginning to lose track of time, and this car is stuffy! Besides, half the fun of a road trip is being to see the sites and make fun of the weirdoes and ugly people on the road.  
  
Cliff: Oh I don't know. I find the blindfold to be a very nice way of saying you care, Taur.  
  
Missy: You would, you perve!  
  
Cliff: And that actually almost was insulting! Gee Missy, I'm touched.  
  
Taurence: (Rolls her eyes) I can't believe I invited both of you on this trip. Don't bring your best friend and your boyfriend on a vacation. It never works out.  
  
Missy: Especially when your boyfriend also happens to be my pain in the ass brother!  
  
(Taurence and Missy crack up. Cliff just glares at them under his blindfold)  
  
Cliff: Sure, sure, you're all against me! Attack of the cheerleaders, that's what this is!  
  
(Taurence and Missy both crack up once more)  
  
Taurence: Cliff, you're too much!  
  
Missy: You should try living with him, then you'll see what a true pain in the ass he really is!  
  
Cliff: Actually Missy, that's the best idea you've ever had. Not bad thinking, Missy. Living with a beautiful, blond cheerleader, yep, you've definitely have said some dumber things than that, I'll admit.  
  
Missy: You should be one to talk! I actually got all A's and B's on my report cards and my average was a 3.5!  
  
Cliff: Dude, you're serious?  
  
Missy: Yeah, it was so weird. Being that I dropped out…  
  
(Missy stops herself with the realization that Taurence didn't or couldn't know about that part of her life. The part that she was more than eager to forget)  
  
Taurence: You dropped out?!?  
  
Missy: (Makes a quick save) From the chess club. Yeah, that's it. I dropped out of chess club. You know how smart those guys are and all…  
  
Cliff: Um, yeah, chess club.  
  
Cliff: (Whispers to Missy) That had to be the worst save you've ever made. Actually, the worst save I've ever heard of.  
  
Missy: (Whispers back) Hey, you try thinking of on off the top of your head!  
  
Cliff: (Whispers to Missy) Just don't slip again! You know she can never find about your past life. About who you really are!  
  
Missy: (Whispers back) I know, I know! But what if she did find out? We could trust her.  
  
Cliff: (Whispers to Missy) Don't be stupid! We can't take the risk. When Angel sent me to help you…  
  
Missy: (Whispers back) I know, I know. You swore on your life never to tell a soul. But I didn't, and I know we could trust her. Wouldn't you like to be honest to your new girlfriend?  
  
Cliff: (Whispers to Missy) Yeah, but…  
  
Taurence: (Cuts them off) Hey, what's going on back there? Are you guys fighting again?  
  
Cliff: Nooo, do we ever fight?  
  
Taurence: Do I ever cheer?  
  
Cliff: Okay, point taken.  
  
Taurence: You know, I'm beginning to wonder how you guys didn't end up killing each other as children.  
  
Cliff: Well, being accused of murder isn't one of my ideal situations.  
  
(Missy kicks his shin)  
  
(Cliff kicks her back)  
  
Cliff: Not that it's unheard of, of course  
  
(Missy elbows him in the stomach)  
  
Cliff: Ow!  
  
Taurence: Hey guys, cut that out! Sheesh! Well, we're almost there anyway.  
  
Missy: Say, Taurence, where is it we're going, anyway?  
  
Taurence: Oh, you guys are going to love me for this. I've always wanted to visit here, and I'm sure you guys have old friends and old hangouts we could visit.  
  
Missy: (Rips off blindfold) Oh no, you don't mean…  
  
(Car stops abruptly, since Taurence had slammed the brakes)  
  
Taurence: Yep, we're in L.A.!  
  
3 Scene 2: A visit with Angel  
  
(Buffy is in a car, driving! Yes, she's driving to L.A. She really needs to see Angel)  
  
Buffy: (Thinking to herself) This was definitely a bad idea! What will Angel say? What will he think of me? Will he be disgusted? Will he feel betrayed? Or what if he feels relieved or doesn't care? No, I have to tell him, no matter what he says or thinks of me.  
  
(She parks right in front of the Angel Investigations building and gulps. She knows what she has to do, and opens the door)  
  
Cordelia: (Looking down at her papers) Angel investigations, how may I help you?  
  
(Looks up and sees Buffy. She nearly faints)  
  
Oh my G-d, Buffy! What are you doing here?  
  
Buffy: I need to talk to Angel. It's sort of important.  
  
Cordeila: Of course. He'll be very surprised to see you, though.  
  
Buffy: I know, it was sort of a spontaneous thing.  
  
Cordelia: Ok, I'll go get him. The rest of the crew is out, so you won't be disturbed.  
  
Buffy: Ok, thanks.  
  
Cordelia: Oh, and Buffy?  
  
Buffy: Yeah?  
  
Cordelia: It's good to see you.  
  
(They hug, and Buffy goes up the stairs. Cordelia allows a tear to shed. She then hears Connor crying and begins to rock him)  
  
Cordelia: (In a baby voice) Don't worry, everything's going to be alright, wittle Connor. Yes, it will!  
  
(However, she then puts the baby down, for she gets a vision. Although they didn't hurt anymore, it was just a habit she had grown accustomed to)  
  
Cordelia: Oh no, Faith's back! And two others, though I cannot make out their faces. I'd better tell Angel! (But then she remembers Buffy just went upstairs to see him)  
  
(She sheds another tear) I guess it can wait.  
  
(Meanwhile, Buffy is walking up the stairs. She knocks on the door.)  
  
(Angel jumps back a little startled. He puts the picture he was looking at down.)  
  
Angel: Cordelia, is that you?  
  
Buffy: No, it's me.  
  
Angel: Buffy? What are you doing here? Is anything wrong?  
  
Buffy: No apocalypse, if that's what you mean.  
  
Angel: Oh, well come in.  
  
(Buffy enters. She looks a little uncomfortable. So does Angel)  
  
Angel: So, what brings you to LA.?  
  
Buffy: Angel, a lot of stuff has happened since I've left. Stuff I feel I should tell you.  
  
(Angel shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't exactly told her about Connor or about what he was feeling for Cordelia, and was nervous she suspected something. He just wasn't ready to tell her, not yet)  
  
Buffy: Ok, the first thing is that Giles is gone. He's in Britain.  
  
Angel: Oh, sorry to hear that. (He truly was, for he knew how much the librarian meant to Buffy)  
  
Buffy: (Continuing to babble) Ok. Next, Willow got out of control with her spells and magic. She was seeing this guy called Rack…  
  
(Angel interrupts her)  
  
Angel: Rack! Oh my G-d, Willow's in danger!  
  
Buffy: Relax, she stopped seeing him after she got into a car crash with my sister.  
  
Angel: Oh my G-d! Are they ok?  
  
Buffy: Willow's emotionally shook up and trying to quit witchcraft. Dawn has a broken arm. However, she took it pretty hard on Willow. And me. Not that I blame her.  
  
Angel: Buffy, you shouldn't say that. It's not your fault. How could you have stopped the car crash?  
  
Buffy: I could have realized my friend was in danger. That her magic was getting way out of hand. But I was too wrapped up in my own problems…  
  
(She stopped for a minute and took a deep breath. She knew what was coming next, and wasn't looking forward to mentioning it. Her real reason for coming)  
  
Angel: Buffy, you should have told me. Even if things are different between us, I still want to know when something major happens, you know?  
  
(He then looks at the floor, feeling guilty for being hypocritical)  
  
Buffy: I know, I know, but that isn't all. There's also something else…  
  
Angel: What Buffy?  
  
Buffy: (Begins to cry) No, I can't! I just can't.  
  
Angel: Buffy, it's ok. I'm all ears. You can tell me anything.  
  
Buffy: (Turns beet red) Al right, but promise me you won't get angry.  
  
Angel: Al right, just tell me already!  
  
Buffy: Ok, a few weeks ago, a musical demon came to Sunnydale and caused everybody to reveal their most secret thoughts in song. Anyway, I won't bore you with the small details. While I was singing, I told my friends…  
  
Angel: Told them what?  
  
Buffy: That they pulled me out of heaven!  
  
Angel: Wow, they did what?!?  
  
Buffy: No, no, but that's not the part I really need to tell you. Anyway, I was dancing and about to combust, when Spike saved me.  
  
Angel: Um, ok. So?  
  
Buffy: (She groans) So, we sort of defeated the demon thing and Spike went outside. I followed him. Then, we started to sing. Then,  
  
(She takes a deep breath and mutters)  
  
We kissed.  
  
Angel: What?  
  
Buffy: I know, I know…  
  
Angel: No Buffy, I couldn't hear you.  
  
Buffy: (Turns red) Oh. Well, then we, we, we…  
  
Angel: What? Buffy, spit it out.  
  
Buffy: We kissed.  
  
Angel: (Grabs the side of his chair and clutches it tightly. He looks even paler than usual)  
  
Angel: Well Buffy, spells are pretty funny things. I can't blame you for what happened. It was the spell…  
  
Buffy: (Begins to cry) But that's not all!  
  
Angel: (Breaks the arm of the chair because his grip had become so tight)  
  
(Dreading what else she had to say) What else, Buffy?  
  
Buffy: Ok, I guess I'll say it quick. We kind of kissed again, at a club after Willow did a spell…  
  
Angel: (Breaks the other arm of the chair) Well, it was another spell…  
  
Buffy: After the spell was done.  
  
Angel: (Turning a little red) Well, what's a kiss, anyway?  
  
(Buffy begins to cry)  
  
Angel: Not another one!  
  
Buffy: No, not exactly.  
  
Angel: That'd good.  
  
Buffy: We were fighting in this run down warehouse because it turns out, he can now hurt me.  
  
Angel: Oh no! That means he's dangerous again.  
  
Buffy: No, it's not like that. We were fighting and then I…  
  
Angel: (groans)  
  
Buffy: I pinned him to the wall and kissed him. Then the building collapsed and we, we…(cries hysterically)  
  
Angel: (Anger in his voice) What, what did you do!?!  
  
Buffy: We slept together.  
  
(Angel cannot take the anger he is feeling inside of him and throws the chair arm at Buffy)  
  
Buffy: (Teary eyed) You promised you wouldn't get angry.  
  
Angel: I'm not angry.  
  
Buffy: (Relieved) Good.  
  
Angel: I'm furious! Anything else you want to tell me, Buffy!  
  
Buffy: Actually, I was turned invisible by a ray gun and I, I,  
  
Angel: Don't even bother saying it! I can't believe you. And with him!  
  
(Buffy is crying hysterically)  
  
Buffy: I know, I know it's weird and gross. But I came here to make things ok, to make things stop, to make things better.  
  
Angel: (Very sarcastically) Super job, Buffy!  
  
Buffy: (Now a little annoyed) Hey, that's not fair! It was ok when I was with Riley, and I actually liked him!  
  
Angel: That was different. He was a human. I left so you'd have a normal life, and having a human boyfriend just is one of the things I had to accept. But, but with him! I could have stayed if that's the way you wanted to live. With a vicious undead creature!  
  
Buffy: But…(However, her train of thought changes when she hears the sound of a baby crying)  
  
Buffy: What was that?  
  
Angel: That? I didn't hear anything.  
  
Buffy: No, I heard something. A baby!  
  
Angel: Oh, that. It's um…  
  
Buffy: Is it Cordelia's?  
  
Angel: Um…  
  
Buffy: It is! Oh my G-d! I feel like such a jerk for not saying anything. Who's the father?  
  
(Angel shifts very uncomfortable in his chair.)  
  
Buffy: Oooooooh, the bastard left when he heard the news. The nerve! Well, I'm going to have to throw a baby shower for her. Ooooh, it will be so much fun! What's its name?  
  
(Angel shifts uncomfortably in his chair once more)  
  
Angel: Connor.  
  
Buffy: Ooooo, a boy baby. Well I'll have to buy it blue little duck pjs and a blue hat and a blue…  
  
Angel: Buffy, there's something I have to tell you…  
  
Buffy: Oh, right. Listen, I understand that you're angry and disgusted with me, and frankly, I am too! However, I'm going to fix the mess I started. If you want, I'll throw the shower for her in Sunnydale.  
  
Angel: No, that's not it!  
  
Buffy: Then what?  
  
(At this point Cordelia bursts open the door, holding Connor)  
  
Cordelia: Angel, I had a vision. (Sees Buffy and decided not to share it, knowing her feelings about the other slayer)  
  
Buffy: Well, I can help with the baby if you want…  
  
Cordelia: Um, that's ok. I'm fine.  
  
Buffy: Don't worry, Cordelia. I refuse to leave until I throw you the proper party.  
  
Cordelia: (Looks at her if she's from outer space) You do?  
  
Buffy: Yep. That baby will be spoiled rotten by the time I'm done with him. Come here little Connor. (Cordelia hands Buffy the baby looking at Angel with an expression on her face saying "you have some explaining to do")  
  
Cordelia: So, you're ok with the baby? I mean, it doesn't bother you that…  
  
(Angel shakes his head 'no' very frantically. Cordelia sighs)  
  
Buffy: Cordelia, it wasn't your fault. These things happen all the time.  
  
Cordelia: Um, I guess so. What?  
  
Buffy: I'm sorry he left you, whoever the bastard is  
  
(Angel cringes again)  
  
but that doesn't make you or the baby wrong. As a matter of fact, this is the cutest little baby I've ever seen. He's going to grow up to be a hottie…  
  
Cordelia: (Mutters to herself) Just like his daddy…  
  
(But Buffy hears her)  
  
Buffy: Say, the dad was a hottie? Aw well, easy come, easy go. You'll bounce back.  
  
(At this point, Cordelia is beet red. She doesn't know what to say, for she doesn't want to tell Buffy about Connor if Angel doesn't want her to. She's also embarrassed that Buffy said what she thought of Angel)  
  
Cordelia: Um, well, I have to go do some work. Connor can stay with you Buffy, if you want. I have to go look for someone…(Cordelia mouths "I'll tell you later" as she leaves)  
  
Buffy: (Playing with the baby and smiling) Say, who's the cutest wittle baby in the world. Come on, say it. You are, you are!  
  
Angel: Buffy…  
  
Buffy: I know, you're angry with me and want me to go. (Sheds a tear) I understand. I'll leave when Cordelia gets back and tell her about the party. In the meanwhile, I'll wait outside…  
  
Angel: Buffy, I have to tell you something important!  
  
Buffy: What is it?  
  
Angel: It's about the baby's father. You see, the baby has a father.  
  
Buffy: Oh, then why didn't Cordelia mention him? Is he doing a good job of taking care of him?  
  
Angel: Well, he's doing the best he can.  
  
Buffy: Oh, that's good.  
  
Angel: Buffy, I haven't been completely honest with you either…  
  
Buffy: Well, shoot. Can't be worse than what I've done.  
  
Angel: Connor's my baby.  
  
Buffy: And another thing…..what?  
  
Angel: I'm his father.  
  
Buffy: If you're his father then that means… (she looks like she's about to throw up)  
  
Cordelia and you…  
  
Angel: No, it's not like that.  
  
Buffy: Than who's the mother?  
  
Angel: Darla.  
  
(He then begins to tell her the story, while Buffy stares at him in shock)  
  
4 Scene 3: It's never too late to cheer!  
  
(Back in the car, Missy and Cliff are in shock of what Taurence just old them.)  
  
Missy: Oh my G-d, you took us to L.A.!  
  
Taurence: Yeah, what's wrong with that?  
  
Missy: Um, it's just that…  
  
(Cliff chimes in)  
  
Cliff: It's just that we really wanted to go to Wisconsin.  
  
(Missy and Taurence both look at him as if he just sprouted a 3rd leg)  
  
Cliff: Um, yeah! Always wanted to see where cheese came from, right Missy?  
  
Missy: Um…  
  
Cliff: Yeah, as kids, Missy wanted to become a farmer and make cheese.  
  
Missy and Taurence: What!?!  
  
Missy: That Cliff, he's such a kidder (elbows him in the stomach)  
  
Cliff: Ow, what was that for?  
  
Missy: (Whispers to him angrily) Hey, I have a reputation to keep, even if I was a cheerleader!  
  
Missy: (Talks back in her normal voice) Come on, everyone knows you were the one who wanted to milk cows for a living…  
  
(Taurence looks a Cliff in utter bewilderment) [tee hee, a pun!]  
  
Taurence: You wanted to milk cows?  
  
Missy: I know, the perve!  
  
(They both laugh)  
  
Cliff: The cheerleaders of the world unite! Beware, or you may become their next victim!  
  
(They both laugh again)  
  
Missy: You know what? L.A.'s fine.  
  
(Cliff looks at her as if she's insane. She glares at him)  
  
Missy: I'm going to tell her, she has a right to know…  
  
Cliff: No, you'll put her in danger!  
  
Taurence: What the hell's going on, you guys? Were you guys fugitives in L.A. or something?  
  
(Missy makes a face, while Cliff shakes his head)  
  
Cliff: Might as well tell her now…  
  
Taurence: Tell me what?  
  
(However, before she could say anything, Missy sees Cordelia walking down the street looking for someone)  
  
Missy: Crap, she knows we're in L.A. Which means…  
  
Cliff: Oh crap, Angel!  
  
Missy: He'll be pissed!  
  
Cliff: Taurence, we have to get out of here. We'll explain everything on the ride.  
  
Taurence: I'm not moving until someone explains!  
  
Missy: I like your moxy, but… (punches Taurence out)  
  
We don't have time for that crap, so let's get moving! Cliff, you drive!  
  
(Back where Cordelia is…)  
  
Cordelia: Faith, Faith? Faith, where are you?  
  
(However, she can't spot her anywhere, and decides to go back to Angel Investigations, when she sees a cheerleading display in the street)  
  
Cordelia: Hmmm, I wonder what that's all about…  
  
(She walks toward the display)  
  
Courtney: Come one and all, to our cheerleader booth, where we will tell you how to become a cheerleader.  
  
Whitney: We wear short skirts, we're really popular, and we shout really loud!  
  
Courtney: Hey, I thought I was going to tell the people that! I'm the one who thought of it!  
  
Whitney: Well that's too damn bad! I decided we should do this, therefore I'm in charge of this operation!  
  
Courtney: What! How dare you? I'm the one who came up with all the ideas! I'm the one who's more popular!  
  
Whitney: Yeah right, you slut!  
  
Courtney: You did not just call me what I think you did!  
  
Whitney: Oh, you better believe it! I'm so going to be captain at cheerleading camp.  
  
Courtney: So that's what this is about. Think you stand a chance against me?  
  
Whitney: You bet I do!  
  
Courtney: Well than bring it!  
  
Whitney: Oh, it's already been broughten!  
  
Courtney: It's brought, you loser! You know what, I don't need you! I'll find someone else to be my sidekick.  
  
Whitney: What? Hell no, I'm no sidekick!  
  
Courtney: You're annoying me, and you called me a slut! Now, you die!  
  
(Courtney tries to choke Whitney, but it isn't working, so she bites her really hard.)  
  
Courtney: I'll kill you, you hoar!  
  
(She places her hands on Whitney's neck again and this time succeeds in killing her)  
  
Courtney: Hmmm, I wish I still had my powers. Then, I could have sucked her brains out! Then again, she didn't have brains! (Laughs hysterically)  
  
(At this point, Cordelia walks over to the booth. She sees the dead cheerleader on the ground, and is shocked)  
  
Cordelia: Oh my G-d, she's…  
  
(Courtney interrupts her)  
  
Courtney: Sleeping!  
  
Cordelia: What?  
  
Courtney: Yeah, she has narcolepsy. Falls asleep just about everywhere.  
  
Cordelia: Um, oh.  
  
Courtney: Hey, you look familiar…  
  
Cordelia: I do?  
  
Courtney: Yeah! I know, you're from Sunnyhell!  
  
Cordelia: (A little nervous) Um, what makes you say that?  
  
Courtney: You were a cheerleader at Sunnydale High School. My school cheered against yours all the time.  
  
Cordelia: Um, yeah, I used to be a cheerleader.  
  
Courtney: How'd you like to be my assistant? Since she's, um, sleeping, I need someone to come tell the less fortunate to become cheerleaders!  
  
Cordelia: (A smile forms on her face) Gee, I haven't cheered in a couple of years.  
  
Courtney: Don't worry, a good cheerleader never forgets. Besides, you look like a cheerleader with some serious attitude, and that's what I need.  
  
Cordelia: I used to be a bitch, but I've changed.  
  
Courtney: And so have I! I used to be a Go…(stops herself)  
  
Courtney: A go, go dancer, but cheerleading was so much cooler.  
  
Cordelia; Um, I guess.  
  
Courtney: So, what do you say?  
  
(Cordelia thinks of Angel and Buffy together in the building and feels that they don't need her there right now. Besides, this may make her feel better.)  
  
Cordelia: You know what, sure!  
  
Courtney: Great! Now, go change into this cheerleading outfit.  
  
Cordelia: But what about your friend?  
  
Courtney: Oh, um, I'll take her to her house while you change. It's right across the street.  
  
Cordelia: Ok. (She goes into a clothes shop and uses one of the dressing rooms)  
  
Courtney: Now to get rid of this skanky evidence! (She dumps Whitney in the trash)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) I like her, she seems powerful.  
  
(Cordelia comes out of the shop, smiling)  
  
Courtney: Come on, let's go!  
  
Cordelia: Cheerleader power!  
  
(They giggle and begin "their mission")  
  
5 Scene 4: Let's go to Sunnydale!  
  
(Angel has just finished telling Buffy all about Connor and Darla. Buffy is the pale looking one this time)  
  
Buffy: So, when were you planning on telling me?  
  
Angel: Um…  
  
Buffy: I mean, I wouldn't have bitten your head off or anything. I would have understood. But you, you had a little hissy fit!  
  
Angel: I know, but can you blame me?  
  
Buffy: (Sighs) No. But Angel?  
  
Angel: Yeah?  
  
Buffy: Can I ask you a few personal questions?  
  
Angel: Um, shoot.  
  
Buffy: Ok, when you lost your soul, what was it like?  
  
Angel: Huh? Why are you asking me that years later?  
  
Buffy: Because now I have the guts to ask you.  
  
Angel: Um, it's not an experience you can put into words. Well, you lose all of your pain and guilt, and what's left is a craving for blood, death and misery.  
  
Buffy: Ok, and you say that all of your pain goes away?  
  
Angel: Yeah, pretty much. Why?  
  
Buffy: Then why is Spike so miserable?  
  
Angel: Gee Buffy, why don't you ask him?  
  
Buffy: Because he'd never tell me. He'd tell you, though.  
  
Angel: So?  
  
Buffy: Come with me back to Sunnydale. Just for a visit. I'm so freakin lost and scared!  
  
Angel: I don't think so. I have stuff to do in L.A.  
  
Buffy: Well, then answer this question. Why didn't you still love me without your soul?  
  
(Angel is taken by surprise by her question and jumps back)  
  
Buffy: Why? I need to know, otherwise my questions will remain unanswered.  
  
Angel: Buffy, what makes you say that?  
  
Buffy: Huh?  
  
Angel: "To kill this girl, you have to love her." Said it myself.  
  
Buffy: But, that doesn't make sense!  
  
Angel: Life never does.  
  
Buffy: Ok, then why doesn't Spike try to kill me?  
  
Angel: Gee Buffy, shouldn't you discuss that with him?  
  
Buffy: Angel, stop being such a jerk! I came because I trust you and know you to be very wise. However, you're not acting it right now. And one more thing.  
  
Angel: What?  
  
Buffy: Do you have a thing for Cordelia?  
  
(Back in the car with Missy, Cliff and Taurence)  
  
Cliff: Missy, we can't stay in L.A.! Angel will so kick my ass.  
  
Missy: Hey, I don't want to go back to jail!  
  
Cliff: So, where are we off to?  
  
Missy: The one place they won't ever think to look for us.  
  
Cliff: Where? Wisconsin?  
  
Missy: No, you idiot! What's up with you and Wisconsin, anyway?  
  
Cliff: Sentimental to me, really. Ate so much cheese there once that I was throwing up for days. Cheese and demons don't mix.  
  
Missy: You mean half demon, babe.  
  
Cliff: Yeah, that works too!  
  
Missy: Well, we'll tell Taurence what's going on when we get there.  
  
Cliff: Where?  
  
Missy: Sunnyhell !  
  
(Back in Angel Investigations)  
  
Angel: What? You know I can't fall for anyone.  
  
Buffy: Same here. You know I have to be strong for Dawn and get myself a normal life. Well, as normal as I can.  
  
Angel: We're screwed, aren't we?  
  
Buffy: Pretty much.  
  
Angel: You know what? I need to take a vacation. But what about Connor?  
  
Buffy: Bring him with you. Everyone will love him.  
  
Angel: Well, I guess it'd be ok. Let me just leave a note for Cordelia and for the rest of the group. I'll leave them my emergency cell phone number.  
  
Buffy: You have a cell phone?  
  
Angel: Yeah, don't you?  
  
Buffy: Actually, no.  
  
Angel: Um, that's weird.  
  
Buffy: I guess. So, ready for Sunnydale?  
  
Angel: As ready as anyone can be. I don't know what's wrong with me, though. Why am I going back there?  
  
Buffy: I dunno. I keep wondering what possessed me to come to LA. and invite you to Sunnydale.  
  
Angel: Well, we'll soon find out.  
  
(However, Angel knows exactly why he's going. To kick some bleached blond vampire ass!)  
  
Buffy: But I drive!  
  
Angel: Oh no!  
  
(Back on the streets of L.A.)  
  
Cordelia: Come one, come all to be a cheerleader!  
  
Courtney: We wear cute outfits, are popular and pretty, and get to scream really loud!  
  
Cordelia: It looks great on college applications!  
  
Courtney: And gets you power. Someday, cheerleaders will rule the earth, and I will be in power once more! Ha, ha, ha!  
  
(Everyone on the street stares at her, including Cordelia)  
  
Courtney: Um, kidding of course.  
  
Cordelia: And did we mention it's a real guy magnate?  
  
Courtney: You get free pompoms!  
  
Girl on street: Um, so what?  
  
Courtney: So, doesn't that just make you want to join?  
  
Girl: Not really. I'd much rather play soccer.  
  
Courtney: Your loss! (mutters) Skanky loser!  
  
Girl #2: Cheerleaders are nothing more than a cult of skinny bitches trying to take over the world!  
  
Cordelia: No, that's not completely true! It's a sport where you make plenty of friends and have fun experiences.  
  
Girl # 3: Bullshit!  
  
Courtney: Say missy, I don't like your attitude!  
  
Girl # 2: What are you gonna do about it?  
  
Courtney: I'm going to, I'm going to rip your…  
  
(Cordelia is staring at her horrified)  
  
Courtney: I'm going to rip up your application slip!  
  
Girl # 3: But I never asked for one!  
  
Coutney: Shut up! I mean, don't worry about it. Now, go play soccer or something.  
  
Girl #1: In the street!  
  
Coutney: Um, whatever. I don't care!  
  
(The three girls run away, crying for their mommies)  
  
Cordelia: That was way harsh!  
  
Courtney: Sorry, but non believers get me so angry. Say, let's go somewhere where cheerleaders are appreciated.  
  
Cordelia: Where?  
  
Courtney: Um, how about Hollywood?  
  
Cordelia: Nah, I know someplace better.  
  
Courtney: Do tell!  
  
Cordelia: (smiles) Well, I'll tell you when we get there.  
  
Courtney: Um, sure.  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) I've been meaning to visit Sunnydale for awhile, anyway.  
  
To be continued. Please read and review! Will get better and funnier, I promise! 


	2. Look who's here!

1 Scene 5: What are You doing here?  
  
(Cordelia and Courtney, Angel and Buffy, and Missy, Cliff and Taurence are all heading to Sunnydale. Back in Sunnydale, another school day has just ended for Dawn. However, rather then return to the house where she'll run into Willow, she decides to go and visit Spike)  
  
(Spike hears a knock on his door)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Bloody hell, that must be the 3rd salesman in the last hour! Damn it, don't they realize that I'm a bloody vampire and don't like coming out in the day!  
  
Spike: Go away! I'm not buying any of your magazines!  
  
Dawn: Spike, it's me!  
  
Spike: (Slightly embarrassed) Oh, well come in, little bit.  
  
Dawn: Sheesh, are you always this cranky in the afternoon?  
  
Spike: If 3 sales men knocked on your door every hour, then you'd be bloody cranky too! Say, what are you doing here, anyway?  
  
Dawn: Didn't feel like going home. I like it here. It's cool.  
  
Spike: For you, maybe. Not cool for a 128 year old vampire to be hanging out with a human 15 year old girl, if you get my drift.  
  
Dawn: Hey! For your information, I'm very cool!  
  
Spike: Uh, huh. (In a patronizing tone) Well, why don't you go hang out with friends your own age and show THEM how cool you are.  
  
Dawn: Spike, I'm not stupid. I know what you're trying to do.  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) What, pet? What am I trying to do?  
  
Dawn: You're trying to get rid of me so Buffy won't be pissed at you when she finds me here.  
  
Spike: What makes you think I care what the bleeding slayer thinks?  
  
Dawn: Come on Spike, I'm not stupid!  
  
Spike: You keep saying that, but that's definitely not proving it!  
  
Dawn: Hey, what's THAT supposed to mean?  
  
Spike: Listen, don't stick your head where it doesn't belong! The reason I want you out of here is so I can get some well needed rest!  
  
Dawn: Oh, sure…  
  
Spike: Come on, nibblit! (makes a fake sad face) I'm REALLY sleepy.  
  
Dawn: No, don't do the face!  
  
Spike: Oh, I'll do more than that if you don't leave on the count of three!  
  
Dawn: (Smiles) You don't mean…  
  
Spike: I'll tickle you so much that you'll be laughing for a week.  
  
Dawn: No Spike, not that!  
  
Spike: 1…  
  
Dawn: Okay, okay. (Laughs) I'll go.  
  
Spike: 2…  
  
(Dawn nears the door)  
  
Spike: 3!  
  
(Dawn's right by the door)  
  
Spike: (Smiles) Well, I warned you!  
  
Dawn: Hey, that's not fair! I'm right by the door.  
  
(Reaches for the knob)  
  
Spike: (Puts his hand on the door)  
  
I told you to leave, but you didn't listen. Didn't your mummy ever tell you not to talk to vampires?  
  
Dawn: (Giggles) More like not to invite them in when Buffy's out patrolling!  
  
Spike: You've been warned…  
  
(He grabs Dawn and pins her to the floor and tickles her furiously)  
  
Dawn: (Laughing hysterically) Spike, Spike! Stop, or I'll get the hiccups.  
  
Spike: Not until I'm done with you!  
  
(He tickles her some more, smiling)  
  
(Suddenly, Spike hears a crash outside)  
  
Spike: (Standing up) What the bloody he…(remembers Dawn's there) um, heck is going on outside.  
  
Dawn: Spike, you can curse in front of me. It's not like I don't hear it in school.  
  
Spike: Well, you certainly won't hear it from me. Not proper to cuss in front of a lady.  
  
Dawn: (A bright smile forms on her face and lifts one of her eyebrows) A lady?  
  
Spike: Well…(Hears another loud crash outside)  
  
Dawn, go check out what that is. I can't, being that it's daylight and all. But come back here if you see anything dangerous.  
  
Dawn: (Rolls her eyes) Yes, Spike. And I'll make sure to wear a helmet and looks both ways before I cross the street!  
  
Spike: (Chuckles) Hey, both of those things are excellent ideas!  
  
Dawn: (Rolls her eyes) G-d Spike, you're just like Buf…(Stops herself)  
  
Um, I'll go check it out.  
  
(She steps outside)  
  
Spike: (Mutters to himself) Grows to be more and more like her sister each day. Only more pleasant. (Chuckles to himself) And taller.  
  
(Dawn runs back in frantically)  
  
Dawn: Spike, there's been a car crash!  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody h… (remembers what Dawn said, but still doesn't care)  
  
heck! What next? People will be building houses next to my crypt. I'll have neighbors!  
  
Dawn: Spike, be serious! An accident! People! Could be hurt!  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Fine, I'll get my blanket.  
  
Dawn: And I'll go get icepacks…  
  
(She remembers she's at Spike's, who obviously wouldn't have ice packs)  
  
Dawn: Maybe I'll just see if anyone's seriously hurt, and I'll call the hospital if they  
  
are.  
  
Spike: With what? I don't have a phone!  
  
Dawn: But I do! A cell phone!  
  
Spike: When did you get that?  
  
Dawn: Last Christmas. Dad sent it.  
  
Spike: Oh (Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Well, just don't stand there! Get the blanket!  
  
(She runs outside)  
  
Spike: Maybe I was wrong about the whole "being more pleasant thing."  
  
(Watches Dawn go to the car window, smiling)  
  
Spike: Nah.  
  
2 Scene 6: I know who you are!  
  
(Back in the car…)  
  
Missy: Oh my G-d Cliff, why didn't you tell me you've never driven a car before?  
  
Cliff: It didn't look so hard on T.V.!  
  
Missy: Come on, that's pathetic! Any idiot could have seen that hydrant!  
  
(Taurence groans)  
  
Cliff: Is she hurt?  
  
Missy: Nah, she's 5 by 5.  
  
Cliff: 5 by 5? What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Missy: Sorry, but to tell you that, I'd have to kill you.  
  
Cliff: Ha ha, very funny  
  
Missy: Serious.  
  
Cliff: (Gulps) Um, k.  
  
( Dawn walks in the direction of the car)  
  
Missy: I don't know how you didn't see that fire hydrant, anyway. You were fine when driving in L.A.  
  
Cliff: In L.A., my contacts were still in!  
  
Missy: You mean…  
  
Cliff: Haven't been able to see since we reached the sign saying "Welcome to Sunnydale." I think I crashed into that too! I had this weird sense of Déjà vu, as if it had happened before.  
  
Missy: Gee Cliff, real deep. Next time, tell me when your contacts fall out! Oh, and warn me you have no experience at driving.  
  
Cliff: You mean, there's going to be a next time?  
  
Missy: Hmm, good point.  
  
(She sighs and looks out the window. She sees Dawn coming)  
  
Missy: Oh crap!  
  
Cliff: What's wrong?  
  
Missy: The slayer's sister!  
  
Cliff: What?  
  
Missy: (Smacks her head for his stupidity)  
  
Buffy, the other slayer has a sister!  
  
Cliff: Uh oh, here she comes.  
  
Missy: She'll recognize me!  
  
Cliff: Well, what'd you expect, coming to Sunnydale?  
  
Missy: I didn't think of that! I was too worried that Cordelia would find us.  
  
Cliff: Well, do something?  
  
Missy: What?  
  
Cliff: Um…(Sees the blindfolds in the back)  
  
Cliff: Take those blindfolds and put them on your head. Don't look at her, and if she asks about you, say you don't speak English.  
  
Missy: In what language?  
  
Cliff: Um, I dunno!  
  
Missy: (mutters to herself) Dumb ass.  
  
Cliff: Oh, and put these on. (Hands her a pair of sunglasses)  
  
Missy: Are these prescription?  
  
Cliff: Um yeah, why?  
  
(Missy smacks his head)  
  
Missy: Wear them next time, idiot!  
  
(Rolls her eyes at him and puts them on)  
  
(Dawn knocks on the car window)  
  
Cliff: (Fake Spanish accent) Um, hello little girl. Are you looking for someone?  
  
Dawn: I heard a crash, and thought you guys might be hurt.  
  
(She looks inside the car)  
  
Dawn: Hey, the blond looks unconscious!  
  
Missy: No shit, Sherlock!  
  
(Cliff steps hard on her foot)  
  
Missy: Ow, asshole!  
  
Cliff: (Mutters to Missy) Shut up, you don't know English, remember?  
  
Missy: Oh yeah.  
  
Dawn: Hey, what's going on? Are you guys fugitives or something?  
  
Cliff: (Answers to quickly in his fake sounding Spanish accent) No, no, of course not! We're tourists from, um, from…  
  
Missy: Brazil!  
  
Cliff: (Not knowing what to do)Ummmmm, yeah, um, Brazil. My wife over here doesn't speak any English, though.  
  
Missy: (In an even more fake sounding Spanish accent) No understand English!  
  
Dawn: But you just spoke it!  
  
Cliff: (Answers quickly and nervously) Um, no, that wasn't English. That only sounded like English.  
  
(Tarrence groans and begins to wake up)  
  
Tarrence: (Groggily) Wh, where am I?  
  
Cliff: (Very nervously) Maria, you're such a kidder!  
  
Taurrence: Who's Maria?  
  
Cliff: You are, silly!  
  
(Looks at Dawn)  
  
She's a little delusional after she wakes up. Knows her English, though. She's a real Einstein, yes she is!  
  
Missy: Me no understand English!  
  
(Cliff whispers to Dawn)  
  
Cliff: Maria gets the brains from her father, I'm afraid.  
  
Dawn: You guys are her parents?!?  
  
Cliff: Um, yeah. We're 28.  
  
Dawn: That means you guys had a baby at age 8!  
  
Cliff: Um, we marry young in Brazil, okay!  
  
Dawn: Well ok, if you say so.  
  
(Begins to walk away)  
  
Missy: (Mutters annoyed) We're married and had kids at age 8!  
  
Cliff: At least I came up with something!!!  
  
(Mimics Missy)"No understand English." That is English!  
  
Missy: Shut up!  
  
(Dawn overhears them and walks back)  
  
Dawn: (Stares at Missy) Say, you look familiar.  
  
Missy: (In her REALLY fake sounding Spanish accent) No, you are mistaking. No speak English!  
  
(Cliff groans and smacks his head)  
  
Dawn: Oh my G-d, it's you!  
  
Cliff: (laughs nervously) No, silly child, we're from Brazil!  
  
Dawn: No you're not. (Looks at Missy) You're Faith!  
  
(Faith punches Dawn out)  
  
Cliff: Is that your ONLY way of solving things?  
  
Missy: That and sex.  
  
Cliff: Ok, definitely an over share. Now, where are we off to?  
  
Missy: Well, Wisconsin sounds pretty good right about now!  
  
Cliff: See, told you! Say, are we going to just leave the little girl in the middle of the road?  
  
Missy: We'll have to take her with us, otherwise the slayer will know we were here.  
  
Cliff: Are you sure?  
  
Missy: There's no other way. Don't worry, we'll convince her not to squeal and then bring her back later.  
  
Cliff: THAT'LL never happen!  
  
Missy: Then I guess she'll just have to become a cheerleader and go to college with us!  
  
Cliff: But she's too young!  
  
Missy: We'll tell them she never ate her vegetables!  
  
(Tarrence yawns and sits up)  
  
Tarrence: Where are we?  
  
Cliff: Um, Sunnydale.  
  
Tarrence: Sunny who?  
  
Missy: Never mind, tell you later.  
  
(Back at the crypt)  
  
Spike: Dawn? Dawn, did you find the car?  
  
(No answer)  
  
Spike: Dawn, where are you?  
  
(Still no answer)  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell! Now I have to look for the little bit. And in daylight!  
  
(Thinks to himself) Not that I mind…  
  
No Spike, stop that! Ok, now to find the girl…  
  
(Puts blanket over himself and bursts out of the crypt's door)  
  
Spike: Dawn? Dawn, where are you?  
  
(A piece of the blanket slips off)  
  
Ow, bloody hell!  
  
(He puts it back on)  
  
Missy: Oh crap, someone's looking for her!  
  
Cliff: Who?  
  
Missy: I dunno, the voice sounds familiar, though it doesn't sound like any of Buffy's loser friends!  
  
Cliff: He's wearing a blanket!  
  
Missy: Yeah, and I'm the Easter bunny!  
  
Cliff: No, it's true!  
  
Missy: Seriously? Oh my G-d, I have to see this!  
  
(She looks out the window and sees a little of Spike's face)  
  
Missy: (Laughs hysterically)  
  
Cliff, you'll never believe this?  
  
Cliff: What?  
  
Missy: That's a vampire!  
  
Cliff: Oh my G-d, you're joking!  
  
Missy: (Tearing from laughter) No, serious! And, it's Spike!  
  
Cliff: You mean, William the Bloody?  
  
Missy: Yep, that'd be the same guy. G-d, even Angel's not that pathetic! Babysitting Buffy's sister! She whipped him good!  
  
(Suddenly, Spike breaks the car window with his fist)  
  
Spike: (Punches Missy out) Oh I wouldn't say that!  
  
Cliff: Hey, we come in peace!  
  
Spike: But I don't! (He punches Cliff out too and grabs the driver's wheel)  
  
Dawn: (Very groggily) Spike, Spike, is that you?  
  
Spike: Yeah, pet. Don't worry, I'm driving you home!  
  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) But I don't wanna go home!  
  
Spike: That's too darn bad!  
  
(He drives in the direction of Buffy's house)  
  
Spike: And then I'll deal with those two!  
  
Dawn: Three, actually.  
  
Spike: What?  
  
Dawn: There's a blond, too.  
  
Spike: Is she conscious?  
  
Dawn: I think so. She's just napping.  
  
Spike: (Sarcastically) Oh, well wouldn't want to disturb her.  
  
Dawn: Really? That's sweet!  
  
Spike: Yeah right!  
  
(He honks the car horn really loudly)  
  
Tarrence: (In a very shocked and scared voice) Oh my G-d!  
  
Spike: (Smiles to himself) I love being me! 


	3. Here Courtney roar!

Scene 7: The truth shall be revealed!  
  
By the way, I just want to thank a certain review. It completely inspired me. The world ruled by cheerleaders. Hmmm…ponder, ponder, ponder. Take control from the men and give it to the cheerleaders… liking it.  
  
(Back on the road, Courtney and Cordelia are driving towards Sunnydale. However, Courtney has no idea where they're going.)  
  
Courtney: (Like a whiny kid) Are we there yet?  
  
Cordelia: Soon, why?  
  
Courtney: Because I'm bored and want to go fix my hair and makeup!  
  
Cordelia: But it looks fine.  
  
Courtney: Are you kidding? This makeup is 5 hours old!  
  
Cordelia: Does it matter as long as it looks good and feels comfortable?  
  
(Courtney begins to crack up, thinking that Cordelia was joking)  
  
Courtney: Yeah, that's a funny one! (She begins to tear) Wow, and that it's better to wear comfortable shoes than it is to wear spikey, fashionable heels? You're funny! I like that quality.  
  
Cordelia: Um yeah, sure.  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Was I really THAT bad? Boy, I'm glad I quit!  
  
(A car cuts right in front of them. Cordelia honks the horn and slams the breaks, scaring Courtney in the process.This causes the cars behind them as well as the car who cut them off to slam their brakes as well)  
  
Courtney: (Jumps out of her seat) WHAT WAS THAT?  
  
Cordelia: Um, the car horn.  
  
Courtney: (In a very annoyed tone) Don't do that!  
  
Cordelia: But how else do I let the driver know that he just cut us off?  
  
Courtney: Leave that up to me!  
  
(She opens the window and sticks her head out of it)  
  
Courtney: (Screams at the top of her lungs) You dikey loser! How dare you cut us off! Do you have any idea who I am!?! I'm the great Glor...(Stops herself) Glowing head cheerleader! And I'm popular!  
  
Man who cut them off: I don't give a shit!  
  
Courtney: (Turns red in anger) LOOK WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME DO! NOW MY BLUSH IS RUINED!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(She tries to jump out the car window, but cannot fit)  
  
Courtney: Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have drinken that Pepsi One!  
  
Cordelia: (In shock) What the hell are you trying to do?!?  
  
Courtney: Um...(Tries to think of a logical explanation for her outburst) Well, that man cut you off!  
  
Cordelia: So, people do that all the time!  
  
Courtney: And, um, he screamed that he didn't give a shit about cutting us off! That's dangerous!  
  
(Suddenly, Courtney gets an idea)  
  
Courtney: Yeah, that's right! Men are dangerous!  
  
(She opens the car window all the way and this time can fit through it. She climbs onto the car roof)  
  
Cordelia: (Mutters to herself) Cars have doors too!  
  
Courtney: Ok people, listen up!  
  
Woman #1: Hey, move your car!  
  
Woman #2: I don't have time for this!  
  
Man who cut them off: Cut the bullshit!  
  
Courtney: (In one angry voice) EXCUSE ME, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO TALK TO A LADY!  
  
Man who cut them off: Get the hell out of my way, bitch! I'll talk to you the way I want to!  
  
Courtney: I don't think so! You see, fellow women, we have to stand up for our rights as, um, women! We can't let men push us around!  
  
Woman #1: Yeah, you tell him!  
  
Woman #2: I can't believe how disrespectful he was to her!  
  
Woman #3: I'll bet he beats women! What an asshole!  
  
Woman #4: Men! They're all such pigs!  
  
Man who cut them off: What the hell are you women talking about? She called me a dikey loser!  
  
Women together: Let's get him!  
  
(All 4 women get out of their cars and break the man's car windows)  
  
Man who cut them off: Now ladies, you don't wanna do this!  
  
Woman #3: Sure we do! Ladies, attack!  
  
(They drag the man out of his car and beat him with sticks)  
  
Man who cut them off: Oww, my eye!  
  
Cordelia: Go get him, ladies!  
  
Courtney: That'll teach you men to mess with the great Glor... Glorious women!  
  
(Courtney climbs back into the car)  
  
Cordelia: Wow! That was amazing! Why didn't you tell me you were a feminist?  
  
Courtney: I, um... Well, I wasn't sure if that would bother you. Some cheerleaders don't feel the way that I do about men!  
  
Cordelia: You are so right!  
  
(A woman reporter knocks on the car window)  
  
Courtney: EXCUSE ME, BUT I'M BONDING HERE!!!  
  
Reporter: Hi, I'm Grace Jelly of the California Times. I was wondering if I could have a word with you.  
  
Courtney: HEY, I'M TALKING! DO I INTERRUPT YOUR CONVERSATIONS.  
  
Reporter: (Stutters) N,n,n,n,no, I, I just wanted to interview you.  
  
Courtney: (Slightly embarrassed) Um, ok.  
  
(She's about to climb out the window when Cordelia points to the door. Cordelia exits the car using the door, and Courtney follows. She slams the door.)  
  
Courtney: Um, sorry about snapping at you. It's just when people try to interrupt my conversations and don't respect what I'm saying, I get VERY ANGRY! (She grabs the car handle to calm herself down and breaks it in the process)  
  
Courtney: Oops! Cordy, was that expensive?  
  
Cordelia: (Sarcastically) No, not at all.  
  
Courtney: (Oblivious to Cordelia's obvious sarcasm)  
  
Ok reporter, you can ask away. The great Glory… um, I mean the great glorious women of the world are ready to bring this issue to justice.  
  
Reporter: Ok, before we get started, I just want to tell you that seeing you take charge today, telling that man that you didn't care who is was and that you deserved respect really inspired me.  
  
Courtney: (VERY FAKE sounding modesty) Well what can I say, I have a way with people.  
  
Reporter: You most certainly do! Now, I want to write a story about you and your organization.  
  
Courtney: (Stunned) Organization? Do I need one of those?  
  
Reporter: Well, I just assumed when I saw your leadership skills and your cheerleader signs in the car that you were the head of a feminist organization.  
  
Courtney: Um, sure. Yeah, I'm trying to spread my message across the globe that cheerleading makes you more in control with your life.  
  
Reporter: (Scribbles that down) I see, and why cheerleading? Why not soccer or basketball or even chess?  
  
Courtney: Chess! Blah!  
  
Reporter: Hey, I like chess!  
  
Courtney: Oh, um…(tries to make a quick save) um, of course you do. Me too!  
  
Reporter: But you just said…  
  
Courtney: FORGET WHAT I SAID YOU EVIL WHORE!  
  
Reporter: (Begins to cry hysterically)  
  
Courtney: Um, did I say evil whore? I meant evil horrifying men.  
  
Cordelia: (Gently drags reporter over to her)  
  
(Whispers) She's always had a slight temper problem. But she's not a bad person. She's just a little (tries to think of the right word) "aggressive."  
  
Reporter: (Pulls herself together) No, I know how it feels. To have that rage in you because of what your boyfriend, or your husband did to you.  
  
Courtney: Um yeah…, that's it. Bad boyfriend, bad.  
  
Reporter: Yeah, I recently escaped a bad relationship.  
  
Cordelia: (In a very soothing voice) Good for you.  
  
Courtney: What'd you do to him?  
  
Reporter: Excuse me?  
  
Courtney: Did you make him suffer? Did you eat his eyeballs and suck his brains out? Did you make him pay and know who's boss? Did you rip his heart out of his chest? Did you…(By this time, the reporter looks nauseated and Cordelia looks very uncomfortable, but once again decides to explain Courtney's actions)  
  
Cordelia: (Whispers to reporter) Always very graphic with the images. She's just speaking metaphorically, of course. She's not insane or anything. Just,… aggressive.  
  
Reporter: No, I like it! She'll be the next Susan B. Anthony!  
  
Courtney: Susan who?  
  
Cordelia: And such a comedian, too! (Laughs nervously)  
  
Reporter: Would it be ok for me to call my news station? I want to film your interview live!  
  
Cordelia: Well, I don't know…  
  
Courtney: Sure! They'll be able to see the great Glory right in action!  
  
Cordelia and Reporter: Huh???  
  
Courtney: (Realizes that she'd forgotten to cover up) You know what? When the cameramen come, the truth shall be revealed!  
  
Reporter: About feminists?  
  
Cordelia: About cheerleading?  
  
Courtney: About me!  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) I was beginning to wonder about her. Something's just not right in that head of hers!  
  
Meanwhile, Buffy and Angel are driving to Sunnydale...)  
  
(The sun has just about set, and Buffy and Angel are on their way to Sunnydale. She stops at a red light and takes a peek through her window coverings to make sure the sun is down. She then removes the coverings she had on the windows and tells Angel that it's safe for him to sit up front.Angel gets up from his position, rocking Connor the whole time)  
  
Buffy: That car ride wasn't so bad, was it?  
  
Angel: Buffy, if I wasn't dead, I think I'd throw up!  
  
Buffy: Hey! I did a very good job! I didn't hit any people and I only ran over 3 trees!  
  
Angel: (Mutters) And a squirrel!  
  
Buffy: That squirrel was already dead!  
  
(Awkward silence for about 10 minutes)  
  
Angel: Buffy, something's not right.  
  
(Buffy slams the breaks of the car)  
  
Buffy: Are you okay? Did you not eat before we left?  
  
Angel: No, not me. Something else is wrong.  
  
Buffy: Is someone in danger? Oh my G-d, Dawn! What if someone kidnapped her? What if she gets run over by a truck or eaten by a monster or…  
  
Angel: Buffy, no one's in danger. At least, from what I know.  
  
Buffy: (Sigh of relief) Whew, you scared me!  
  
Angel: I don't have a sixth sense like Drusilla. What's wrong is that…  
  
Buffy: Maybe it's me! Maybe being with me in the car feels wrong…  
  
Angel: But that's not what I'm trying to tell you!  
  
Buffy: Then what? Say it! You're ashamed of me.  
  
Angel: Buffy, I'm not…  
  
Buffy: (Interrupts him) Not what? You're too above me to talk about it? That what you did was fine but what I did was terrible?  
  
Angel: (Starting to get very annoyed) Buffy, if you'd just let me tell you what I've been trying to tell you…  
  
Buffy: (Begins to cry) I know what it is. I'm a demon. That's it, isn't it? I came back all wrong!  
  
Angel: (Very pissed off) Buffy, do you ever shut up? All I've been trying to tell you is that your car is about out of gas!  
  
Buffy: (Turns beet red) Oh. Well, I guess we'd better find a gas station.  
  
Angel: I don't think…  
  
Buffy: What? That I'll be able to find the gas station?  
  
Angel: No, I don't think it matters. Look ahead at that traffic jam!  
  
(Buffy looks ahead and sees all the cars)  
  
Buffy: Oh crap! I hate not being home for Dawn.  
  
Angel: Relax, Buffy. She's got Willow. Besides, what you need is a little silence. Don't think. Just let sleep take over.  
  
Buffy: (Yawns) You sound like one of those yoga guys.  
  
Angel: (Smiles) And if the traffic moves, I'll drive. You just sleep.  
  
Buffy: Ok, and thanks. (She closes her eyes and allows sleep to take over.)  
  
Angel: (Mutters to himself) Spike, you son of a gun.  
  
(Her head rests on his shoulder and he sighs. He begins to rock Connor in his arms)  
  
Angel: Shhh, just relax, little Connor. Everything's going to be okay. Daddy's going to kick some bleached blond butt and then buy you a new rattle!  
  
(Mutters softly) If only Cordelia was here...  
  
Scene 8: I'm a cheerleader, hear me roar!  
  
(A few blocks away from Buffy and Angel, Cordelia, Courtney and the reporter are waiting for the camera crew to come)  
  
Courtney: (Very annoyed) Where are they?  
  
Cordelia: (In an excited voice) Wow, I've never been on T.V. before! I hope Fred tapes it!  
  
Reporter: Um, the interview's with Courtney.  
  
Cordelia: (Slightly embarrased) Um yeah, I know. I just meant in the crowd, of course.  
  
Courtney: No, don't be modest! It was your car that swerved and inspired my feministic qualities. We women must be self confident and squish men like little bugs! Besides, you helped with the posters.  
  
Cordelia: Well...  
  
Reporter: No, I like it! Interviewing the women of America! Courtney, do you realize that you can end up in history books for your women's suffrage accomplishments?  
  
Courtney: Save the questions for the camera, honey!  
  
(The helicopters come buzzing and almost crush Cordelia's car in the process)  
  
Cordelia: Hey, watch the car!  
  
(About 5 cameramen exit the helicopter)  
  
Cameraman #1: Ok, on in about a minute!  
  
Reporter: Now remember what I told you, act naturally!  
  
Courtney: HEY, DON'T YOU ORDER ME AROUND, MISSY!  
  
(But by now, the reporter is used to Courtney's "rage outbursts" and is not upset by her remark)  
  
Reporter: Save the rage for the camera, honey.  
  
Courtney: Fine! You dont need to be a bi...  
  
(Cordelia cuts her off)  
  
Cordelia: A big worry wort!  
  
Courtney and Reporter: Huh?!?  
  
Cameraman #1: Ok, in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...  
  
Reporter: (Big cheezy smile on her face) Good evening California, and thank you for tuning into the California News! I'm Grace Jelly (points Courtney) and this is Courtney, a bright and aggressive young woman who I met on the highway.  
  
Courtney: Yeah, yeah, I'm bored now! Cut the crap and interview me already!  
  
Reporter: (Laughs very nervously) Ha, ha, what a kidder!  
  
Cordelia: (Walks right in front of camera and blocks the reporter)  
  
Reporter: Hey!  
  
Cordelia: Hi, Fred! Gunn and Wesley, what's up? I hope you guys are taping this! And tell Angel to feed the baby at around 7:30, or else her gets cranky!  
  
Reporter: (Very pissed off) Excuse me young lady, but I'm in the middle of an interview!  
  
Cordelia: (Blushes) Oh, sorry.  
  
(Walks to the side waving at the camera the whole time)  
  
Courtney: Hey, that's MY sidekick! If she wants to be on T.V. then she can be on T.V.  
  
reporter: (Scared to make an even larger scene) Um, sure, she can even have her own interview. Just let me tell the MILLIONS of viewers about you first!  
  
Courtney: (Rolls her eyes) So, get cracking!  
  
Reporter: Very well. Anyway, this powerful young lady gave a very disrespectful man a piece of her mind when he wrongfully cut her and her friend off. She is now on a national campaign to recrute cheerleaders in order to make women more powerful.  
  
Courtney: Um yeah, power to the women.  
  
Reporter: So, Courtney, when did you decide to become a feminist leader?  
  
Courtney: Um about 45 min...(reporter gives her a menacing look) um, months ago. I was at cheerleading camp when I saw this, um, this guy bugging this, um, girl. He was bugging her and she was, um, annoyed.  
  
Reporter: I see. And how did this make you feel?  
  
Courtney: Annoyed!  
  
Woman in minivan: (Screams from her window) You go, girl!  
  
Reporter: (Ignoring the comment) Anyway, go on with your story.  
  
Courtney: (Starting to get into her feminist act) MEN SUCK! WOMEN ARE THE TRUE SUPERIOR RACE!  
  
Woman in minivan: Yeah, you tell them, honey!  
  
Courtney: (Panting) Well, when I see women being taken advantage of men, it just gets me ANGRY! The only way to stop this problem is for women to take over the world! And to do that, we should all become cheerleaders!  
  
Reporter: But why cheerleading?  
  
Courtney: Um, I told you that a while ago.  
  
Reporter: (Mutters to Courtney) SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE NICE CAMERA! k?  
  
Courtney: (Mutters to herself) Sheesh, don't get your panties in a twist!  
  
Reporter: Hey, what did you just say?  
  
Courtney: Listen reporter, you're pushstarting to really piss me off!  
  
Reporter: Hey, I don't have to interview you, you know!  
  
Courtney: But sweety, you're already on live T.V! Besides, no one likes you!  
  
Woman in Minivan: Yeah, let Courtney speak!  
  
Woman in Cab: Seriously, I want to hear what she has to say!  
  
Courtney: Thank you! Finally, some apprechiation! Anyway, we should all become cheerleaders because they're powerful! As cheerleaders, we can make men serve us!!!  
  
Reporter: But what about unpopular people? What happens to women who don't look good in those skimpy cheerleader outfits?  
  
Courtney: Everyone will be accepted! As long as we have men to ridicule and be mean to, why be mean and catty with each other?  
  
(Little girl runs in front of camera, chasing her ball)  
  
Courtney: HEY, DON'T GO IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, YOU LITTLE WHORE!  
  
Cordelia: (Very nervously) Hey, that was funny! See, she's a leader with a sense of humor!  
  
Woman in Porche: She'd make a great President!  
  
Woman in Bug: Can I have your phone number? I want to tell all my friends all about you, and I'm sure they'll all want to hear what you have to say!  
  
Courtney: Well, if anyone's dating someone and your man isn't treating you right, throw him out on his ass!  
  
Women in cars at different times: Can I have your autograph?  
  
How about a picture?  
  
The number of your organization?  
  
How do you become a cheerleader?  
  
Can I have a pin or sticker representing your cause?  
  
Reporter: Well Courtney, it looks like your public is waiting.  
  
One of the women who beat up the man before: Hey, why don't you show the viewers this videotape of Courtney telling that asshole off and us kicking the crap out of him while she goes and talks with her fans.  
  
Reporter: Um, that sounds good to me. (Looks at cameraman #3) James, why don't you pop the tape in?  
  
Courtney: Excuse me, miss Grace Jelly, but why the hell is your entire camera staff male?  
  
Reporter: No it's not! (Points to the 5th camera) That's Tammy. She films the news just in case something happens to one of the other camera crew members.  
  
Courtney: Really?  
  
Reporter: Well, yeah. Tammy, come over here and wave to the camera for us!  
  
Tammy: Are you sure?  
  
Reporter: Just do it!  
  
Courtney: Hey, I don't like your attitude! 1/5 of the camera crew is women! That's just not enough!  
  
Reporter: Hey, I'm a woman too!  
  
Courtney: No you're not!  
  
(She grabs the reporter's hair and rips the wig off)  
  
Reporter: Owww!  
  
Courtney: You're a man!  
  
Reporter: (Speaks in his guy voice) Hey, how'd you know?  
  
Courtney: Because no woman would wear those shoes with that dress! Besides, a woman would have treated Tammy with respect!  
  
Tammy: Yeah, it's always been like this. The news anchors are all really men who dress up as women so women watch the show.  
  
Courtney: See America! This is what happens when men are in charge!  
  
(She kicks the reporter in the balls)  
  
Reporter: Mommy!  
  
Courtney: Hey, women who beat up the rude guy before!  
  
Woman # 4: Yeah?  
  
Courtney: Go deal with the reporter for me! I need to show the world the power of cheerleaders.  
  
Woman # 4: (Big grin on her face) Sure, no problem!  
  
(She drags him to the same place the other man is laying)  
  
Reporter: (In a scared voice) What did they do to you?!?  
  
Man who cut Cordelia off before: Trust em, you don't want to know!  
  
(The women resume hitting the man who cut Cordelia off and the reporter with sticks)  
  
Reporter: My legs, I can't feel my legs!  
  
Courtney: (Rolls her eyes) Men, they're so bad with pain. Anyway, Tammy, take over filming!  
  
Tammy: (Very excited) Really? I get to work the camera?  
  
Courtney: Yeah, sure!  
  
Cameraman #2: But what about us?  
  
Courtney: Tell you what, I'm feeling generous. If you guys leave now, I won't have those women beat you up.  
  
Cameraman #1: Ok, sounds good to me!  
  
Cameraman #4: Let's get out of here! These women are crazy!  
  
(The four cameramen run away as fas as they can, leaving all of their video equipment)  
  
Courtney: Ok Tammy, set up the camera. That woman with the tape!  
  
Woman with tape: Yeah?  
  
Courtney: Give it to Tammy to put in the camera! I'll host the rest of the news!  
  
Woman in cab: Cool!  
  
Woman in Bug: Can I join your organization?  
  
Courtney: You all can! (Looks at the woman in the Bug) And you can be the president of my fanclub!  
  
Woman in Bug: Cool!  
  
Courtney: Give me your cellphone number. Someone will call you and tell you when and where are meetings will be.  
  
Woman in Minivan: Hey, can I be vice president of the fanclub?  
  
Courtney: Um, suit yourself.  
  
Woman in Porche: Hey, I've always wanted to be a reporter. Can I interview you?  
  
Courtney: Better yet, after we show the tape from before, you can interview Cordelia.  
  
Cordelia: Me? You don't need to...  
  
Courtney: No, I insist! Besides, I need to talk to all the little people, and I'm really hungry.  
  
Cordelia and woman in Porche: (Very enthusiastically) Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. Back in Sunnydale...

Scene 9: Back in Sunnydale...  
  
Ok, it's getting really annoying typing up 3 or 4 scenes and THEN publishing it, so I'm going to update by scene. They'll be shorter, but I'll be able to update more often. Okay, enjoy!  
  
(Spike is driving the car Tarrance, Cliff and Missy used to come to Sunnydale. Dawn is sitting in the front with Spike pouting.)  
  
Tarrance: Hey, why the hell did you honk the horn?  
  
Spike: (Sarcastically) I forgot how it sounded.  
  
Tarrance: (Thinks for a moment) Say, you're not Cliff!  
  
Spike: Let's give the blond a prize!  
  
Tarrance: Wait, what's going on?  
  
Spike: That's what I'd like to know!  
  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) Please let me stay with you! I could bake cookies while you growl at them for information.  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Niblit, you're more trouble than you're worth. You'll just get in my way or get yourself hurt. Besides, I'm not getting the whole "You're a bad influence on my sister speech again." Still have a headache from the last one, you know.  
  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) But Spiiiyyykee!  
  
Spike: Listen, your whining won't do you any good.  
  
Dawn: I'll tell Buffy you kidnapped me and tried to sell me to, um, to, um, evil, um, evil things!  
  
Spike: (Cracks up hysterically) Yeah, that's a good one! Real convincing.  
  
Tarrance: Wait, you kidnapped the kid too?  
  
Dawn: I'm not a kid!  
  
Spike: Bloody hell, of course not! It's the slayer's lil sis.  
  
Tarrance: What?  
  
Spike: Oh, don't act all naive and ditsy! You're in Faith's little gang.  
  
Tarrance: WHAT? Who's Faith? Who are you? Where am I? Is this a dream? Oh no, I hope it's not like the one when my top fell off!  
  
Dawn: What are you babbling about?  
  
Spike: Your top fell off? Were you wearing anything underneath it?  
  
Tarrance: Of course not! The bra staps completely ruin the cheerleading outfit!  
  
Spike: (Heavy sarcasim) Oh, what a shame. (Sneers) Say, do you think it'll happen again?  
  
Dawn: Hey! (Slaps him) Loyalty to Buffy, remember?  
  
Spike: Ow, what the bloody hell are you doing? I was just joking.  
  
(Finally, Tarrance understands what he just said)  
  
Tarrance: Hey! (Slaps him) I have a boyfriend!  
  
Spike: G-d, what's wrong with you women?  
  
(Missy begins to stir from the backseat of the car that Spike pushed her and Cliff on after he knocked them unconcious. She slowly sits up while groaning. Tarrance is about to say "hi" to her, but she covers her mouth. She sneaks behind Spike)  
  
Missy: It's not us honey, it's you! (She punches him)  
  
Spike: Owww! That's it, I'm bringing a helmet next time! (Mutters to himself) Bad enough that the stupid chip thing went off when I punched her out before.  
  
Missy: What chip?  
  
Spike: Ooops.  
  
(Dawn, Tarrance and Missy talk all at once)  
  
Dawn: (Whining) Spiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyke, I waaaannna stay with you!  
  
Tarrance: What the hell is going on here? I waaannna know!  
  
Missy: Hey, what chip? You have a chip?  
  
Dawn: (Still whining) Spiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyke, I can help!  
  
Tarrance: Someone better tell me what's happening!  
  
Missy: Hey, does the chip control you like a zombie? Is that why you're the slayer's pet? Did she put the chip in your head?  
  
(By now, the noise has gotten on Spike's nerves and he can no longer take it any longer)  
  
Spike: (Very pissed off) Oh bloody hell, would you three SHUT UP?  
  
Dawn: Hey, yu've cursed in front of me twice today! Does that mean I can help, since I'm old enough to hear you curse?  
Missy: Oh G-d! Little girl, don't be such a priss. Curse all the hell you want!  
  
Dawn: I'm not supposed to. My mom would kill m...(realizes that would be impossible) Oh, I could if I wanted to but...  
  
Missy: What? Afraid your sister will be pissed? Honey, I've sworn and cursed ever since I could talk.  
  
(Spike realizes if Dawn starts swearing, Buffy will blame him, so he decides to tell her it's wrong)  
  
Spike: Dawn, pay no heed to her. That's how she ended up going to jail. You don't want to go to jail, right?  
  
Tarrance: WHAT? That's ridiculous! Missy wouldn't have been allowed into the high school if she had been in jail!  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) And how did you run into the dumb blond, anyhow?  
  
Missy: High school.  
  
(Once again, takes Tarrance a minute to realize she's been insulted)  
  
Tarrance: Hey, I'm not dumb!  
  
Spike: Yeah, you're just not the brightest crayon in the box.  
  
Tarrance: Yeah, exactly. (Takes a minute for her to realize she's been insulted again)  
  
Tarrance: Hey!  
  
Dawn: (Looks in the back of the car) Hey, who's the guy?  
  
Tarrance: That's Missy's brother. And my boyfriend!  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Yeah, and I'm Missy's uncle.  
  
Tarrance: You are? You don't look alike.  
  
Spike: (Smacks his head) Oh, bloddy hell! Somebody shoot me!  
  
Missy: (Smiles) Well, if you really want me to...  
  
Spike: Ha, ha. Yeah, going to trust an evil slayer with a gun. It may not kill me, but can still feel pain!  
  
Missy: Good to know.  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell!  
  
Missy: Why do you always say "bloody hell" anyway?  
  
Spike: What the bloody hell are you talking about?  
  
(Missy rolls her eyes)  
  
Spike: (Smacks his head) Oh, bloody hell!  
  
(Realizes he just said it again)  
  
Spike: Bloody hell!  
  
(Realizes he just said it again)  
  
Spike: Ahhhh! You're right! I can't stop saying it!  
  
Missy: You need a new way to vent out your anger. How about "shit" or "G-d damn it" or "f_ck"?  
  
Dawn: Hey!  
  
Tarrance: Wow Missy, chill! Do you talk like that with your brother?  
  
Spike: Oh, blo...(Stops himself) Oh, G-d damn it!  
  
Missy: See, that works.  
  
Spike: You know what? You're right!  
  
Missy: Now we're 5 by 5, and we can get out of here, right?  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) If you wanted to leave, you would have already attempted to escape.  
  
Missy: (Smiles suggestively) Well, maybe I'd like to get to know you better.  
  
Tarrance: But he's your uncle. Don't you already know him?  
  
Missy: Tarrance, it's called being subtle. That's how girls get guys.  
  
Tarrance: Oooooh. (Thinks for a second) Wait, that's gross! He's your uncle!  
  
(Spike and Missy both smack their heads)  
  
Spike and Missy: Oh bloody hell!  
  
Spike: You didn't tell her?  
  
Missy: About guys?  
  
Spike: No, about you!  
  
Missy: Oh yeah, forgot about that.  
  
Tarrance: Explain now!  
  
Spike: Tell you what, you all are going to do some explainng back at the crypt. Dawn, we're almost at your house.  
  
Dawn: Spike, I can help!  
  
Missy: Let her come. Besides, she'll probally squeal and tell her sister if you bring her home.  
  
Dawn: Hey, I won't squeal! I can be in the same room with Buffy without telling her everything.  
  
Missy: (Smugly smiles) Then prove it!  
  
Dawn: Fine, I will! Spike, take me home!  
  
Spike: Bloody hell, don't you ever make up your mind?  
  
Missy: And he's still sayng it!  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell? 


	5. Going for a walk...Wait, is that Cordeli...

Scene 10: Time for a walk... Wait, is that Cordelia?  
  
(Back in the car, Buffy has fallen asleep on Angel's shoulder. The baby has also fallen asleep. Angel is just sitting there, holding the baby)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) It's been an hour since we stopped here, why aren't the cars moving? Well, even if they were, we'd still need gas. Maybe I should go out and find a gas station, just in case the traffic decides to move an inch.  
  
(Opens the door, but then remembers he has the baby)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) But what do I do with Connor? I can't very well leave him here with Sleeping Buffy. Besides, she can't protect him or herself asleep.  
  
(Faint smile) I guess Cordelia's usually around to watch Connor when I can't. I hope she got my note. (This gives him an idea)  
  
Hmmm, maybe I could take Connor on the walk. Would do him some good, the night air. I could write Buffy a note. I hope she has a pen.  
  
(He looks through Buffy's purse for a pen)  
I hope she's not too upset, but I don't have one.  
  
(He grabs a pen, but also manages to spill some of the contents of her bag)  
  
Crap, that's not good! She'll be pissed!  
  
(He begins to place her stuff back into the bag, when he stumbles upon a yellow note. He can see a few of the letters. They look familiar.)  
  
Hmmm, it couldm't be, could it?  
  
(He looks at the note)  
  
Meet me at 9 at my crypt.  
  
(Angel takes an unnecessary breath)  
  
That's ok, she's entitled to do what she wants. But with him? No, Spike's not getting off the hook. I still have a little Angelus in me, after all. I think he's going to pay Spike a little visit.  
  
(He hears a scream)  
  
What was that?  
  
(He hears it again, only it's louder. More people join in)  
  
Oh great, someone's in trouble. Angel to the rescue again.  
  
(Realizes that he has to leave the baby)  
  
I guess I have to wake Buffy. I really hate to...  
  
(Sees the note on the floor)  
  
And she'll be pissed off when she sees I've been through her bag. Well, I deal with that later.  
  
(He roughly shakes Buffy)  
  
Buffy: Whhhaaat? Spike? Spike, is that you?  
  
Angel: (No longer thinking to himself) Watch Connor. Someone's in danger. We'll talk later.  
  
(He opens the door and runs out of the car to find where the sound is coming from)  
  
Buffy: (Very drowsily) Sure, y'all come back now, you here?  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Are all humans that dazed out when they wake up?  
  
(He closes the door, and runs in the direction he heard the screams)  
  
Angel: (As he's running, he think to himself) Maybe after this, I could get some gas. Oh, and Connor could use a new rattle...  
  
This takes place 5 minutes before Angel heard the scream...  
  
(A few blocks ahead, Courtney is walking from car to car, giving her autograph and beauty advice. The tape of Courtney with the guy that had cut them off before had just finished, and Tammy removed it from the machine. The woman in the porche and Cordelia are getting ready for the interview.)  
  
Cordelia: I'm so nervous. I've never been on T.V. before!  
  
Woman in Porche: If it makes you feel any better, neither have I! I mean, I have a lot of money, but I'm not famous or anything. The stock market is a wonderful thing.  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Why is this lady telling me how much money she has? I really couldn't care less. I'm about to be on T.V.!  
  
Cordelia: (Fake smile on her face) Yeah, sure, that's great.  
  
Tammy: Ok guys, you're on in 5...4...3...2...1...  
  
Woman in Porche: Ok viewers, what you just saw was a video tape of the fabulous Courtney at work. Now, Courtney is out helping the little people become strongerwomen and giving out autographs, so I'm going to be interviewing her sidekick and assisant Cordelia instead.  
  
Cordelia: (Mutters to herself) Great, now I'm a sidekick! Again.  
  
Woman in Porche: (Oblivious to Cordelia's muttering) So Cordelia, how long have you been working with Courtney?  
  
Cordelia: (Decides she might as well tell the truth) About 24 hours.  
  
Woman in Porche: I see, that's very interesting. Just how did you guys meet?  
  
Cordelia: Well, I was walking down the streets of L.A. when I saw this cheerleading booth. Courtney and her assistant...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) Wait, she has another assistant?  
  
Cordelai: Um, actually, I think her other one isn't working with her anymore. When I came there, I found her on the floor...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) Wait, her other assistant collapsed?  
  
Cordelia: Courtney told me she had narcolepsy. Then she asked me if I wanted to help her spread the message of how cheerleading makes us stronger women. Then she told me to go change into the cheerleader outfit I'm wearing now while she brought her sleeping friend across the street to her house... (A sudden realization comes to her that something wasn't right about her story.)  
  
Um, and then we began our journey to recruit cheerleaders. I was driving, when that guy cut us off. Well, you know what happened after that.  
  
Woman in Porche: And where were you driving from, anyway?  
  
Cordelia: (Answers, feeling a little suspicious) L.A., why do you ask?  
  
Woman in Porche: (Ignoring Cordelia's question) Do you live in L.A.?  
  
Cordelia: Well yeah, but you never answered my question.  
  
Woman in Porche: (Ignores her again) Where do you work?  
  
Cordelia: Um, Angel Investigations. But why do you want to know?  
  
Woman in Porche: (Still ignoring her) And what does your company do?  
  
Cordelia: Um, it's not my company.  
  
Woman in Porche: (Still ignoring her) Wait, you mean that you don't own your own company?  
  
Cordelia: Well, no, but...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) And who do you work for?  
  
Cordelia: (Realizes that it may not be wise giving all of this information on national T.V.) Um, I'd rather not say.  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) It's a man, isn't it?  
  
Cordelia: Um, sort of...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) I see, and how much does this "man" pay you?  
  
Cordelia: (Shocked at the question) Excuse me?  
  
Woman in Porche: You heard me! Are you underpaid?  
  
Cordelia: Well...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) When was the last time you got a raise?  
  
Cordelia: Wait, what was your last question again?  
  
Woman in Porche: (Ignoring her comment) You see America, what the males do to us women? Courtney has saved this poor girl from the injustice of her job and has taken her into her circle of feminists. What a hero!  
  
Cordelia: But I haven't left my job! I'm happy with my job. I love my...  
  
Woman in Porche: (Cuts her off) Sure, you may tell yourself that now, but it's not true. If you insist on keeping your job, which I wouldn't do, you must DEMAND your boss for a raise!  
  
Cordelia: But I don't even have a sal... (realizes that that may not be the wisest thing to say to a bunch of feminists)  
  
Cordelia: ...salad.  
  
Woman in Porche: Salad? What for?  
  
Cordelia: (Lies to cover up her slip) Um, my boss likes salad?  
  
(Suddenly, a loud piercing scream is heard from one of the cars)  
  
Cordelia: (Secretly relieved the pressure is no longer on her) Oh my G-d, what was that?  
  
(A few cars away, Courtney is pulling the hair off of an old lady)  
  
Courtney: (Very pissed off voice) Damn it, why the hell won't this wig come off?  
  
(Cordelia runs over to Courtney as fast as her legs would carry her, while the woman who was interviewing her continues to babbe on and on about underpaid women.)  
  
Cordelia: (Grabs Courtney's arms) Courtney, what the hell are you doing?  
  
Courtney: That's not really an old woman! That's a man!  
Old lady: I beg your pardon!  
  
Cordelia: (Hits her head and groans) Courtney, not everyone who doesn't like cheerleading is a man!  
  
Cordelia: (Whispers to the old lady) Sorry, she had some major trust issues as a kid. Shes not insane, just a little bit, um, "aggressivie."  
  
Courtney: (Very sarcastically) Sorry about that, old lady.  
  
(Cordelia smacks her head once again)  
  
Cordelia: (Mutter to Courtney) You don't talk that way to old women!  
  
Courtney: (Not realizing what she did wrong) But it's true! Besides, she looks like a man!  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles awkwardly to the old lady) Um, never mind. She's just a little bit excited. Please don't sue!  
  
Old lady: What are you talking about? Who are you?  
  
Courtney: (Screams annoyed) HOW CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER? IT HAPPENED 5 SECONDS AGO!  
  
Cordelia: (Mutters to Courtney) Shut up! Sometimes old people forget things. Which is good, since we'd probally getting sued if she remembered!  
  
Courtney: Hey, don't you talk to me that way!  
  
(The old lady screams again)  
Courtney: (In a very impatient voice) Oh, what now?  
  
Old lady: The war! We can't loose the war! Those German bomber have to be stopped!  
  
(Just then, a middle aged woman walks by the car)  
  
MAW: Oh my! Mother, how did you manage to escape your restraints?  
  
Cordelia and Courtney: What!?!  
  
MAW: Oh my G-d, you're the great Courtney! Can I have your autograph?  
  
Courtney: Sure! (She grabs a pen from her skirt and signs the back of the MAW's shirt)  
  
MAW: (Bright smile) Thanks!  
  
Cordelia: Wait, hold the phone!  
  
(The MAW and Courtney look at her blankly)  
Cordelia: Never mind, it's an expression.  
  
MAW and Courtney: Ohhhhh.  
  
Cordelia: (Rolls her eyes) Ok, who are you?  
  
MAW: Oh yes, how silly of me. That woman over there in the car is my mother. I went to the gas station to pick up an apple pie for her. She's insane. Literally. Lost her mind about half a year ago)  
  
(Courtney smirks, for she remembers how that happened.)  
  
Courtney: Well, you and your mother have a nice day.  
  
(She walks away smirking while Cordelia follows her)  
  
Cordelia: (Angerly) What the hell were you doing to that old lady?!?  
  
Courtney: Hey, how dare you talk back to me!  
  
Cordelia: Listen, I know that something's up, and I don't like it!  
  
Courtney: Oh yeah?  
  
Cordelia: Yeah!  
  
Courtney: Then bring it!  
  
Cordelia: Oh, it's already been brought!  
  
(Courtney jumps on top of Cordelia, but Cordelia hits the 1st blow. They're both pretty strong and evenly matched and continue to punch, kick, scratch, even bite!)  
  
Meanwhile, Angel continues to run to where he heard the scream  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) I hope I'm not too late! It sounded serious!  
  
(He runs a block further, when he sees Cordelia and Courntey fighting on the ground. He stares in disbelief for a second, seeing Cordelia in a cheerleader outfit fighting another girl in a cheerleader outfit in the middle of the street. He feels a little hardness developing in his pants)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Now's not the time for those thoughts! Bad Angel, bad!  
  
(He runs over to Courtney and Cordelia and pulls Courtney off of Cordelia)  
  
Courtney: Stay out of this, you evil male!  
  
Cordelia: Shut up, you evil whore!  
  
Courtney: (Turns slut nailpolish color red) WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?  
  
Cordelia: You heard me!  
  
Courtney: I'll kill you, just like I killed Whitney!  
  
(She tries to escape, but Angel's grip is too strong)  
  
Cordelia: Ha, I knew you killed her! Now I'm going to send your sorry ass to jail!  
  
Courtney: (Smiles smuggly) No, I don't think so. One little scream from my lips, and my devoted fans come running.  
  
Cordelia: They wouldn't kill me!  
  
Courtney: Maybe not yet, I don't completely control them. But they'd kill your boyfriend in a second!  
  
(Cordelia and Angel look at each other, neither bothering to correct Courtney)  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles) How? They don't have guns.  
  
Courtney: Cordy, I'm not stupid! I know that your boyfriend's a vampire. The slayer's ex., to be exact.  
  
(Angel shifts uncomfortably)  
  
Courtney: (Smiles) You know how those women deal with men? They beat them with sticks! You know, the kind made out of wood!  
  
Cordelia: Hey, how do you know?  
  
Courtney: (Smiles slyly) You still don't know who I really am, do you?  
  
(She gets an idea, an idea to fit with what she had been planning ever since she became a cheerleader.)  
  
Angel: Don't forget Courtney, you're not in the position to fight us right now. I could snap your neck in a second.  
  
Courtney: (laughs evily) Like you would, soul boy!  
  
Cordelia: Hey, you could kill us, we could kill you, let's not kill each other and work this out! We can all go back to the car and you can do some explaining. We'll figure it out from there.  
  
Courtney: (Smiles smuggly, for this all fits into her plan) Sure Cordelia, whatever you say. But I need you to go back to the reporter and my fans. Tell them I had to leave because of a previous enagement. Oh, and give them this...(She hands Cordelia a slip of paper with a telephone number on it)  
  
Courtney: It's my cell phone number. You know, my fansmight want to get in touch with me. Oh, and get the president of my fanclub's phone number as well.  
  
Cordelia: (Suspiciously) Why?  
  
Courtney: Hey, it's none of YOUR business!  
  
Angel: Just do what she says, Cordelia. I've got her under control.  
  
Cordelia: Fine.  
  
(Cordelia takes the number and walks over to the reporter. She gives Courtney's message and her cellphone number. She also gets the president of the fanclub's phonenumber. She then meets up with Angel and Courtney. They head to the car. Courtney looks inside, and sees one annoyed looking Buffy)  
  
Courtney: Hey, you never mentioned that SHE was here!  
  
Angel: Why should it matter!  
  
Courtney: It matters a whole lot! She'll kill me!  
  
Cordelia: Relax, we won't let her kill you.  
  
Courtney: No, I refuse to go into the car with that slayer!  
  
(Cordelia opens the door in the back)  
  
Angel: Sorry, but you don't have a choice! (He pushes her into the back. Cordelia goes in with her)  
  
(However, Buffy doesn't even notice that Cordelia and Courtney are in the back, because she's so angry at Angel)  
  
Buffy: (In a very angry voice) Angel, you've got some explainng to do! 


	6. Angelus pays a visit

Scene 11: Angelus pays a visit.  
  
(Okay, I'm just going to continue the scene from where I left off. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Spike, Missy, Cliff, Tarrance and Dawn. They WILL be back! And to clarify the confusion, Cliff is not Xander! I haven't mentioned Xander yet, but I will soon enough. Enjoy! )  
  
(They're in the car, Angel and Buffy up front, Cordelia and Courtney in back. Courtney is sitting right behind Buffy, and ducks behind the seat. She couldn't take on the slayer without her god powers, not until her plan was completed... Buffy is holding Connor in her arms.)  
  
Buffy: (In a very angry voice) Angel, you've got some explaining to do!  
  
Angel: (Gulps) Um, (Clears his throat) what explaining?  
  
Buffy: (In a VERY angry voice) Don't pull that crap with me Angel! I KNOW you went through my bag! What were you looking for? Was it for my diary? Gee, haven't had that in years. Oh wait, you've read that before, haven't you?  
  
Angel: But I never...  
  
(Buffy cuts him off)  
  
Buffy: Was it for some personal items you could use to blackmail me with?  
  
Angel: But I'd never...  
  
(Buffy cuts him off again)  
  
Buffy: Maybe you just think I don't deserve to have a pocketbook! Is that it?!?  
  
Angel: (Slightly annoyed) Buffy, I NEVER SAID...  
  
(Cuts him off AGAIN!)  
  
Buffy: So what? Maybe I made a mistake. Okay, maybe I made more than one mistake, and that particular mistake may have happened more than once, but I'm still entitled to my privacy!  
  
Angel: (Even more annoyed) Buffy, you're jumping to conclusions aga...  
(Cuts him off AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Buffy: And another thing, I know I'm not the only one in this car not in control with their hormones!  
  
(Cordelia and Angel both shift uncomfortably)  
Angel: (Takes a deep, unnecessary breath so he doesn't lose his temper) But I never mentioned...  
  
(Cuts him off AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
Buffy: Don't speak! I know just what you're saying!  
  
Angel: (Very annoyed) How could you? I haven't gotten a chance to speak yet! All I was going to say...  
  
(Cuts him off AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [sheesh, does she ever shut up?]  
  
Buffy: Alright, so what if I slept with Spike? Yes, I said it! It's just a physical thing! It's not like I love him or anything. And even if I did, it's none of YOUR business anyway! I have a right to do what I please. (Realizes how that sounded) Oh, you know what I mean!  
  
Angel: He changes into his vampire face, he is so annoyed) Buffy, do you EVER SHUT UP!?!?!?!?!?!?!   
  
(There's dead silence in the car)  
  
Angel: Much better! Now, I'll answer each and every one of your questions slowly...  
  
(Not even going to say it!)  
  
Buffy: But I wasn't done talking!  
  
(At this point, the baby begins to cry)  
  
Buffy: (In complete stupidity) Gee, I wonder what woke him up. Do you think you scared him?  
  
(By this time, Angel can no longer take it and slams his head into the car horn. It makes a really loud noise. The baby cries even louder)  
  
Buffy: Angel, please show more consideration towards Connor. That loud noise must have woken him up!  
  
(She accidentally drops the baby as she lifted her arms in anger toward Angel)  
  
Angel and Cordelia: CONNOR!  
  
Buffy: (Very embarrassed) Um, ooops. Sorry bout that. (Nervously laughs)  
  
(The baby is crying hysterically. Angel reaches over Buffy and scoops him up. He begins to rock him and mutter a lullaby, when in his head, he was muttering curse words I cannot repeat if the story is to remain PG 13. [Which it may not anyway, but that's not the point!]  
  
Buffy: Hey Angel, really sorry about Connor. It's just with my dying and being brought to life and all, I've been a little off my slayer game...  
  
(By now, Angel is so pissed off with Buffy, that he quickly hands Connor to Cordelia and becomes Angelus. Cordelia stares in horror, Courtney ignores him and continues to file her nails, [hey, this isn't about her, why should she care?] but Buffy doesn't even notice, for she is still babbling on and on. Angelus covers Buffy's mouth)  
  
Angelus: There's nothing more I'd like to do right now than to rip your tongue and voice box out!  
  
Buffy: (Not realizing anything out of the ordinary has happened) Sheesh Angel, you don't need to be so cranky!  
  
Angelus: I can't believe you're still babbling on, Slayer! Damn it, do you even know who I am, or is that statement about blonds true?  
  
Buffy: (Still completely clueless) Huh?  
  
Angelus: Guess it's true.  
  
Buffy: Looks Angel, I'm not in the mood to argue! Now, if you'd allow me to finish...  
  
Angelus: G-d, how the hell did Angel put up with you? Well, at least the poof had enough sense to move to L.A.  
  
(Buffy sheds a tear)  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, you're glad you left me?  
  
Angelus: (In a soothing tone) Of course I am, wouldn't anyone be?  
  
Buffy: (Tears fall from her face) You mean, I'm not a mess because I came back wrong?  
  
Angelus: (Sneering) No Buf, you've always been a mess. A mess the world has had to deal with.  
  
Buffy: (Continues to whine) But, I tried so hard! Do you know how hard it is to be the slayer and live a normal life at the same time? I've been doing this since I was 14, for crying out loud! I've been slaying for almost 7 years! 7 years! Do you know how long that is?  
  
(Angelus can no longer take anymore of Buffy's complaining, and puts a gag in her mouth. Then he grabs some scotch tape from Buffy's bag and covers her mouth with it. He then grabs one of her scarves and puts it over her mouth)  
  
(Buffy stares at him in shock. She can't believe he had the nerve to do that to her!)  
  
Buffy: Hmmhpharg!  
  
Angelus: (Big smile on his face) Sorry, can't hear you!  
  
(Cordelia can't help but smile, for Buffy had been giving her a headache. However, it only lasts for a second, for Angelus decides to pay a little visit to the back of the car. He climbs over the back seat and leaves Buffy there, attempting to speak)  
  
Angelus: And just what little goodies do we have back here?  
  
Courtney: (Not caring how evil or powerful Angelus is) Hey, I'm no goodie! HOW DARE YOU TALK TO THE GREAT GLORIFICOUS IN SUCH A TONE! (Calms down a little) Do you know that if I had my powers, I could break you in two with the movement of my pinky?  
  
Angelus: (Chuckles) Yeah, but you don't!  
  
Buffy: Hohmphmyi! Gwrowy!  
  
Courtney: (Ignoring Buffy's mumbling) Well, I will become powerful once again, just wait and see! You will bow down before me! I shall rule this pathetic planet, if I cannot rule my own! I shall...  
  
(Angelus puts a gag into Courtney's mouth)  
  
Angelus: G-d, not another mouth! My head! I don't think I've ever had such a huge headache in my entire undead life!  
  
(Cordelia shudders)  
  
Angelus: (Turns to Cordelia, smiling) And what do we have here? Not ANOTHER mouth, I hope!  
  
Cordelia: (Begins to babble out of nervousness) Hey, I'm not a mouth! Sure, I may have been one in high school, but I'm pretty quiet now. Wait, who am I kidding? You're going to kill us all anyway! Yeah, I can talk as much as Buffy and Courtney combined, I just choose not to unless I have something important to say.  
  
Angelus: Amen to that!  
  
(Courtney and Buffy both struggle to speak, and Courtney sticks her middle finger out at Angelus)  
  
Angelus: (Very sarcastically) Oh no, the all powerful hell god has given me the finger! Head for the hills!  
  
(Cordelia giggles, in spite of herself)  
  
Angelus: So, you think I'm funny?  
  
Cordelia: (Very nervously) No, of course not, I mean, yeah, I mean, not like a clown, no, that's not right, I mean like clever funny  
  
Angelus: (In a very soothing voice) Relax, there's no reason to be scared.  
  
Cordelia: (Very relieved) There's not?  
  
Angelus: (Begins to crack up) Yeah right!  
  
(Courtney rips the gag out of her mouth) [Buffy can't seem to get hers out, since she's got so many things covering her mouth]  
  
Courtney: (Very pissed off) Hey, that was rude! NOW I'M MAD!  
  
Angelus: (Rolls his eyes) Hey, can you drive?  
  
Courtney: Of course, the great Glorificous can do anything!  
  
Angelus: (Chuckles) Sorry honey, but that act is so old! You're not even a hell god anymore! Glorificous is not the name for you! Stick with Courtney. It suits you. Now, drive!  
  
Courtney: HEY, HOW DARE YOU ORDER ME AROUND! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! I'LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!  
  
Angelus: Um, ah?  
  
Courtney: Why should I drive?  
  
Angelus: 2 reasons. 1. I'll kill you if you don't. 2. Do you honestly trust Buffy at the wheel?  
  
Buffy: Hmph!  
  
Courtney: Fine, but you're buying me dinner. I'm hungry!  
  
Angelus: You'll eat when we get where we're going!  
  
Courtney: And where would that me, since I'M DRIVING AND ALL!  
  
Angelus: Sunnydale.  
  
Courtney: Hey, I'm not going there! It's a loser town full of old enemies who wouldn't be too happy to see me!  
  
Angelus: (Sarcastically) Oh no, I wouldn't want you to be unhappy. Not Courtney! I must make sure you are happy! I'll take you to a mall and pay for a steak dinner instead.  
  
Courtney: Now you're talking!  
  
Angelus: (Rolls his eyes) Step on it, blondie!  
  
(She climbs to the front, muttering "bastard" under her breath)  
  
Angelus: I heard that!  
  
(She mutters "I'll get my revenge" and begins to drive. She nearly hits a squirrel when she begins the motor.)  
  
Angelus: (Groans) Another bumpy car ride. Well, at least you MISSED the squirrel!  
  
Buffy: Hmgrphph! (She once again attempts to take off the blindfold, and succeeds. She then fiddles with the tape)  
  
Angelus: (Looks at Cordelia. Has a little bit of an Irish accent) Well, guess the silence couldn't last forever, ey?  
  
Cordelia: (Very nervously) No, guess not.  
  
(She begins to rock the baby)  
  
Angelus: Say, that's the kid!  
  
Cordelia: (Holds the baby very protectively)  
  
Angelus: Relax, I'm not going to hurt him. Still his father, after all.  
  
Cordelia: (Sighs with relief) That's good. I don't think I could bear it if anything ever happened to him.  
  
Angelus: (Smiles almost friendly) Don't worry your pretty head off. This whole Angelus thing is temporary.  
  
Cordelia: Huh?  
  
Angelus: I feel the soul coming back. Guess that the slayer was just really getting on my nerves, you know?  
  
Cordelia: (Laughs nervously, for he's still Angelus after all) Yeah, sure.  
  
Angelus: You know, Angel doesn't deserve you.  
  
Cordelia: (Shocked by his comment) Excuse me?  
  
Angelus: Don't be modest. You're beautiful, and he knows it.  
  
Cordelia: (Blushes) Yeah, and you're Prince Charles!  
  
Angelus: Care for a spot of tea?  
  
(Cordelia cracks up hysterically. By now, Buffy has managed to get the tape off her mouth, and spits the gag out)  
  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, don't you EVER do that again! That was not cool! I was trying to talk, when you rudely put that on my mouth, and oh my G-d, I'm beginning to sound like her! (she points at Courtney) (Focuses her anger on Courtney) When we get out of this car, you're going to wish you had died like Ben!  
  
Courtney: Oh, you DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!  
  
Buffy: Come on, you want a piece of me? Come and get it?  
  
Courtney: Hey, don't think I don't! But unlike you, I'm going to be smart and wait until I have my powers once more.  
  
Buffy: (Cracks up hysterically) That's pathetic, thinking that you'll ever get your powers back.  
  
Courtney: Ok, that's it! Done with the smart thing! Bring it on!  
  
Buffy: Oh, it's already been brought!  
  
(Courtney jumps on top of Buffy, and they begin to catfight. They scratch, pull hair and bite!)  
  
(Meanwhile, Angelus completely ignores their fight and stares at Cordelia laughing. More and more of his soul is coming back. He begins to laugh)  
  
Cordelia: What's so funny?  
  
Angelus: That my weaker half is too pathetic to notice how foolish he's been. Not to tell you how much he lo...(A bright light comes through him and he begins to shake)  
Cordelia: Oh my G-d, what's happening?  
  
(Angelus continues to glow and shake until his soul is completely restored back into his body. He then collapses)  
  
Cordelia: (Hint of worry in her voice) Angel, is that you? Angel, are you alright?  
  
Angel: (Sarcastically) Just peachy.  
  
Cordelia: Oh my G-d, you're still Angelus!  
  
Angel: Huh? What? Huh? (Realizes what happened) Oh no, I'm just cranky when I wake up, or in this case, come back.  
  
Cordelia: Whew! That's a relief. I was worried about you.  
  
Angel: (Very surprised) You were? Why? You know I'm not going to die unless the sun comes out or you stake me.  
  
Cordelia: (Near tears) Well, I was worried that Angelus would take over.  
  
(Angel is very touched. He is about to drape his arm around Cordelia, when he realizes that Buffy and Courtney are beating the crap out of each other.  
  
Angel: (Groans and hits his head) Oh great.  
  
Cordelia: No, you rest. I can take care of them.  
  
Angel: Oh no, I don't think...  
  
(Cordelia ignores him and climbs to the front. She grabs a lock of Buffy's and Courtney's hair and pulls it really hard)  
  
Buffy and Courtney: HEY!  
  
Cordelia: Hey yourselves! You guys better cut this crap out, or I'll kick both of your asses! You know how much of a headache you've given us? Let me tell you, it's worse than any vision I had as a human!  
  
Buffy and Courtney: FINE!  
  
(They both get off of each other. Courtney smiles, for she sees how powerful Cordelia is, and sees her rage. She realizes that she was right in choosing Cordelia as her assistant before. However, she says nothing, for she doesn't want anyone to stop "her plan") [which you guys don't know yet, mwha ha ha!]  
  
Cordelia: Now, I know I'm going to regret this, but Buffy, you drive.  
  
Buffy: Hey! Why does everyone always criticize my driving?  
  
Cordelia: Because my 8 year old cousin can drive better on bumper cars!  
  
(Buffy grabs the wheel)  
  
Buffy: Everyone's so grumpy!  
  
(Cordelia climbs back into the back)  
  
Angel: I must say, good work. I think a raise is in order.  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles) Hey, how did you know what I was saying before?  
  
Angel: Vampire, remember? Know that kind of stuff.  
  
Cordelia: Oh. Say, what was Angelus saying before?  
  
Angel: (Gulps) Um, I don't think he said anything.  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles mischievously) Oh, okay, sure.  
  
Angel: Hey, I can't help it that I have feelings for you. I know that I'm a vampire and all, but I deserve a little respect. I would never hurt you. Even as Angelus, I didn't hurt you. And I won't be made fun of for my feelings! Buffy's entitled to have a life, why can't I? Does poor Angel have to suffer forever?  
  
Cordelia: Um, Angel?  
  
Angel: What? You're embarrassed by my behavior? You think I'm repulsive? You're only tying to be nice to me so I don't become Angelus again? Well, it doesn't matter! Monsters have feelings too, you know?  
  
Cordelia: Angel, SHUT UP!  
  
(He stares at her in shock)  
  
Cordelia: Sorry, but you were beginning to sound like Buffy.  
  
Buffy: Hey!  
  
Courtney: And the whole "feeling sorry fir yourself brooding act of yours" is sooo last season. Been meaning to tell you that. Also, those shoes are sooo last decade ago. And your hair is sooo, well, it was never in style, now that I think about it.  
  
Angel: Courtney, if I wanted the fashion tips, I would have asked!  
  
Courtney: Sheesh, just trying to help!  
  
Angel: Great, my own personal fashion consultant! When will we be in Sunnydale, Buffy?  
  
Buffy: If anyone else was driving, an hour. With me driving, about 10 minutes.  
  
Cordelia: Why does that not comfort me?  
  
Angel: I think you guys were safer with Angelus! 


	7. They meet AT LAST!

Scene 12: Get me out of here!  
  
(Okay, sorry about the confusion before. Courtney slams the breaks of the car when Buffy tells her it's pathetic to think that she'd ever get her powers back. Stupid me! Sorry about that! See, review so help!)  
  
(Back in Sunnydale, Missy, Cliff, Tarrance, Spike, and Dawn are all in the car, driving Dawn home...)  
  
If you don't remember anything about their car ride, reread scene 9!  
  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) Spike, are we there yet?  
  
Spike: (A little annoyed) No Dawn, not yet.  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Are we there yet now?  
  
Spike: (A little more annoyed) No Dawn, not yet.  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Are we there YET?  
  
Spike: (Starting to get really annoyed) No Dawn, not yet!  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Spike...  
  
Spike: (Really annoyed) WHAT!?! We're not there yet! Your questions aren't going to get us there any sooner!  
  
Dawn: I wuz just gonna ask you if we could pick up something to eat. I'm hungry!  
  
Spike: (Fed up with Dawns complaining) Oh, bloody hell!  
  
(Realizes he said it again, and stops the car. He slams his head on the horn)  
  
Missy: Jesse Spike, lighten up a little! You are way stressed!  
  
Spike: I am not stressed!  
  
Missy: Sure you are. Thats why you just slammed you head on the car horn.  
  
Spike: Oh great, now you're beginning to sound like Anya! Tell me something I don't know!  
  
Missy: Nah, this is more fun.  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell!  
  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) Spiiiiiyyyyke, still hungry here! And are we there yet?  
  
Spike: (Grabs the steering wheel really hard, but can no longer control his anger and morphs into his vamp face)  
  
Spike: (In a very angry voice) HOW THE HELL COULD WE BE THERE YET IF THE CAR ISN'T MOVING?  
  
Tarrance: (Screams) Holy crap, he's an, an, an evil thing!  
  
(Spike rolls his eyes)  
Spike: No shit, sherlock!  
  
Dawn: Hey Spike, you said you would never curse in front of a lady!  
  
Spike: Yeah, well I lied!  
  
Dawn: (Says very matter of factly) It's not right to lie.  
  
Spike: Bloody hell, I'm a vampire! I'm evil!  
  
Missy: (Sarcastically) Yeah, sure.  
  
Spike: (Outraged) What? What the hell did you just say!?!  
  
Missy: (Smiles smuggly) That you're a pathetic excuse for a vampire and aren't even close to evil!  
  
Spike: (Furious) Okay, okay that's it! Bring it!  
  
Missy: (Laughs hysterically) Too easy! Fighting a neutered vampire in the daylight. (Puts hand on her mouth) Yawn.  
  
Spike: Crap, forgot about the daylight! (Looks outside) Wait, it's not daylight! That's even worse! Dawn should have been home hours ago.  
  
Tarrance: (Slowly beginning to process the information. SLOWLY!) So wait, you're a vampire?  
  
Spike: (Smacks his head, for he can no longer take Tarrrance any longer) Ok, that's it! The blond is walking!  
  
Missy: Hey, she's a friend!  
  
Spike: Well, she's not my friend! (Looks at Tarrance) Out of the car missy!  
  
(Nothing happens)  
  
Spike: (Smacks his head again and points directly at Tarrance) You, out of the car!  
  
Tarrrance: (Whining) Wait, you're confusing me! Do you want me or Missy out of the car?  
  
Spike: Oh for cying out loud, you, you blond idiot!  
  
Tarrance: (Sounding angry) Hey, I've been nothing but nice to you, and all you do is insult me! That's it! Waking up the boyfriend!  
  
Spike: (Very sarcastic) Your boyfriend? Oooo, scary!  
  
Tarrance: (Ignores Spike and shakes Cliff) Cliff, Cliff wake up!  
  
(Nothing happens)  
  
Tarrance: (In a VERY whiny, obnoxious voice) Cliiiiiiff, that guy is being mean to me! Cliiiiiffy, wake up!  
  
(He still is asleep)  
Tarrance: (Even more whiny) Cliiiiiiiiiiiff!!! I want you to wake up!  
  
(By now, Spike has such an overwhelming headache from Tarrance, that he honks the carhorn, just so Cliff would wake up already, and she'd stop whinning)  
  
Cliff: (Bolts up, like he just woke up from a nightmare) Ahhhh! No more cheerleading!  
  
Tarrance: Cliff? (No response) Cliff? (Still no response. She decides to scream to get his attention) CLIFF!  
  
Cliff: (Still half asleep)What do you want from me? I don't want to become a cheerleader! You can't make me!  
  
(Tarrance slaps Cliff really hard. It snaps him out of it)  
  
Cliff: Thanks Tarrance, I needed that.  
  
(Tarrance slaps him again)  
  
Cliff: (In shock) Hey, what was that for!  
  
Tarrance: (Very angrily) A nightmare about cheerleading? What's wrong with cheerleading? I AM A CHEERLEADER!  
  
Spike: (Mutters to himself) Just found one thing wrong about cheerleading.  
  
Tarrance: Hey Cliff, I'll forgive you if you beat that guy up for me. He was mean to me!  
  
Cliff: What? Mean? (Looks at Spike menancingly) What did you do to her?  
  
Spike: (So not threatened by Cliff, that he doesn't even bother to look at him as he talks) I called her a dumb blond and told her to get out of the car. What are YOU going to do about it?  
  
Cliff: (Acting all macho) I'm gonna, I'm gonna beat you up!  
  
(Spike crakcs out hysterically and collapses on the car floor laughing. He even tears, he is laughing so hard)  
  
Cliff: (Not as confidently) Hey, I mean it!  
  
Missy: (Rolls her eyes) Cliff, don't even waste your time. You'd beat him in a second with no trouble.  
  
(Spikes snaps out of his laughing fit)  
  
Spike and Xander: WHAT?!?  
  
Missy: Spike can't hurt anyone. He's been neutered by the slayer.  
  
Cliff: (Sighs in relief)  
  
Spike: (Very pissed off) Okay, let's get a few things straight!  
  
1. I am NOT neutered, I just have a chip in my head preventing me from hurting people!  
  
2. I am still EVIL!  
  
3. I am NO ONE'S PET!  
  
4. I really, really don't like the blond!  
  
Tarrance: (Offended) Hey!  
  
Spike: (Ignoring Tarrance) And #5, I can't hurt humans. Half demons don't count!  
  
Cliff: (A look of panic forms on his face)  
  
Tarrance: (Completely missing the point) Um, so what are you saying?  
  
Spike: Okay, sorry. I was using words too big for you.  
  
Tarrance: Huh?  
  
Spike: (Hits his head again) Never mind!  
  
Tarrance: Well, whatever you said, it can't be good. Cliff, go beat him up for me!  
  
Cliff: (Panic in his voice) Um, I would, really I would, but you see, I, um, can't.  
  
Tarrance: Why?  
  
Cliff: (Says 1st excuse that comes to his head) Um, don't fight at night?  
  
Missy: (Rolls her eyes) That's pathetic! No wonder you're stuck babysitting me instead of ensuing chaos.  
  
Tarrance: Say what?  
  
Missy: (Changing the subject) I think we'd better drop the kid off already and explain some stuff to Tarrance.  
  
Dawn: Hey, I'm not a kid!  
  
Missy: (Starts to antagonize Dawn) Awww, look at the wittle gurl. Isn't she precious?  
  
Dawn: Hey, stop that!  
  
Missy: (Menancingly) Make me!  
  
Dawn: Spiiiiiiike, she's being mean to me!  
  
Missy: Tattletale.  
  
(Dawn sticks her tongue out at Missy)  
  
Spike: That's it! I can't take any of you anymore! If you guys won't leave, I will!  
  
(He pushes the door open)  
  
Spike: Goodbye, and good riddens!  
  
Dawn: (Very annoyed that Spike left her in the car) Hey! Forget someone?  
  
Spike: (Pretends to think about it) Hmmm, I wonder... No, looks like I have everything.  
  
Dawn: You're going to leave me with the bad guys?!?  
  
(Before Spike can say anything, a car drives right past him, nearly hitting him)  
  
Spike: (Very annoyed) Hey, what the bloody hell is wrong with these drivers?  
(The car crashes into a bush)  
  
Dawn: Oh my G-d! Are they alright?  
  
Spike: (Still annoyed at the car that nearly ran him over) Are THEY alright? Are they alright? What about me?  
  
Tarrance: Wait, that was a car? Cars can go that fast?  
  
Missy: Tarr has a point. I don't even drive that fast! Only somebody completely stoned, insane, or stupid.  
  
(Spike cuts her off, realizing something)  
  
Spike: Or someone who couldn't drive normally if her life depended on it!  
  
Dawn: (Dread in her voice) Oh no, it can't be, can it?  
  
(By now, Spike has aleady run to the car burried in the bush)  
  
Spike: (Worry in his voice) Buffy, Buffy, is that you? Are you okay?  
  
Buffy: (Very groggily) Oooh, the stars look pretty.  
  
Spike: Don't worry luv, I'll bring you home.  
  
(Looks into the car and sees Cordelia shaking and Angel groaning. He also sees Courtney, but is too shocked to see Angel to notice)  
  
Spike: (In complete shock) Angel, what the hell are YOU doing here?  
  
(Angel opens the door. He gently carries Cordelia out of the car, completely ignoring Spike)  
  
Angel: Cordelia, are you okay?  
  
Cordelia: (Shakes) Yes, yes, I'm fine. Just a little shook up.  
  
Angel: Can you stand on you own?  
  
Cordelia: I think so.  
  
Angel: You sure?  
  
Cordelia: Yeah.  
  
Angel: Good. (He puts her down)  
  
Spike: What are YOU doing in Sunnydale?  
  
(Angel punches Spike in the face)  
  
Spike: OW, what was that for?  
  
Angel: It just felt right.  
  
(Looks at the car Spike was in)  
  
Angel: Faith, what are YOU doing here?  
  
(Missy gets out of the car and punches Spike in the face)  
  
Spike: Hey, what's wrong with you guys?  
  
Missy: I don't know, but it just felt so right.  
  
Tarrance: Really? Can I try?  
  
Spike: Hey, I'm no one's punching bag!  
  
(Looks in the car) Hey, who's that?  
  
Angel: This crazy cheerleading feminist we met. What's her name?  
  
Cordelia: Courtney. Well, that's the name I can remember.  
  
Spike: She looks familiar.  
  
(But before he can figure that out, Buffy groans)  
Spike: You guys take care of the blond in the car. I'll take Buffy and Dawn home.  
  
Cliff: (Nervously) Well, I guess we'll be off. A pleasure to meet you guys.  
  
Angel: No, I don't think so. You guys aren't getting off the hook that easily. We're going to have a nice little chat.  
  
(Cliff groans, Missy sighs impatiently, and Tarrance looks around completely confused.) [surprise, surprise] 


	8. Explain, Now!

Scene 13: Explain, Now!  
  
(Spike helps Buffy into the car and opens the back door for Dawn)  
  
Angel: (Angrily) Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Bringing the slayer and her kid sister home. What does it look like?  
  
Angel: (Suspiciously) I'm not so sure.  
  
Spike: What are you talking about, Peaches? Chip in my head, remember?  
  
Angel: That's not what I'm worried about.  
  
Spike: (Completely missing the point) Huh?  
  
Angel: (About to say something when he hears Buffy groan) Never mind, just get her home!  
  
Spike: That's what I was trying to do! G-d, what's got into you?  
  
(Spike enters the car and closes the door. He tells Dawn to buckle up and he drives away)  
  
Angel: (Mutters to himself) Just some knowledge, Spike, just some knowledge.  
  
Missy: (Attempting to 'break the ice") So Angel, what's up?  
  
Angel: (Very angrily) I thought you said that you'd move far away from here! I thought you were going to stay out of trouble! (Looks at Cliff) And I thought you were going to watch her and make sure she did just that!  
  
Cliff: (Nervously) Well, the funny thing is, um, I was going to, really, but...  
  
(Tarrance interrupts)  
  
Tarrance: (EXTREMELY ANNOYED) IF SOMEONE DOESN'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!!!!!!  
  
Missy: (Chuckles) Too late!  
  
Tarrance: (Pants for breath) Missy, you're my best friend, tell me what's going on!  
  
(Missy doesn't say anything. She looks at the ground, almost as if she's ashamed to speak)  
  
Tarrance: Fine! Cliff, you explain!  
  
(Cliff is about to, when Angel gives him a dirty look)  
  
Angel: (Looks at Missy and Cliff) Who's the blond? And why does she keep calling Faith Missy?  
  
Missy: Relax, she's a friend.  
  
Angel: (Very annoyed) Friend my ass! What are you REALLY up to, Faith?  
  
(This comment really offends Missy)  
  
Missy: HEY, MY NAME IS MISSY, AND I'M NOT UP TO ANYTHING! TARRANCE IS MY BEST FRIEND, AND CLIFF IS HER BOYFRIEND!  
  
Cliff: (Chiming in) Yeah, we're not making any trouble, I swear!  
  
Cordelia: Angel, I think they're telling the truth!  
  
Angel: Then what ae they doing in Sunnydale?  
  
Cliff: (Chuckles nervously) Gee Angel, that's a great question. Say, anyone thirsty? I know I am! (Realizes Angel is a vampire) Not blood, of course.  
  
Angel: Quit changing the subject, Cliff. Now, what are you REALLY doing here?  
  
Missy: We're running away from you, idiot!  
  
Angel: (Completely taken off guard) Me! What have I done other than help you?  
  
Missy: (Extremely pissed) We figured you'd be too pig headed to listen to our side of the story when you discovered we were in L.A.!  
  
Angel: What? You were in L.A.! I thought I told you guys to stay away from L.A.!  
  
Cordelia: (Fed up with Angel's attitude) Angel, let them speak! I don't want to stand here all night, and yelling at them isn't helping! Why don't we find a place to stay and discuss their problems on the way there?  
  
Missy: And then what? Have Angel band me from living in America, too?  
  
Cordelia: Fai...(Missy gives her a dirty look) I mean Missy, no one's making you move to a foreign country. Let's all calm down and talk about this.  
  
Cliff: Yeah, talk is good. I like talk. As long as it doesn't involve screaming and a lot of violence.  
  
Cordelia: Good. Now, everyone's happy!  
  
Angel: When did you become such a good problem solver?  
  
Cordelia: When did YOU become so pig headed?  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Courtney: (Very annoyed) Ow, stuck in the car here! Help me already!  
  
(Angel goes over and manages to get Courtney out of the car)  
  
Courtney: (Very ungrateful) Jeese, what the hell took you so long? I was sufficating in there! The great Glorificus is very unhappy!  
  
Cliff, Faith, and Tarrance: (In complete shock) COURTNEY?!?  
  
Missy: What the hell are YOU doing here?  
  
Courtney: None of your business, you white piece of trash!  
  
(Before Missy can say anything, Tarrance walks over to Courtney)  
  
Tarrance: Hey, I thought I explained to you not to give my friends an attitude!  
  
Courntey: Like I'd ever listen to you, slut!  
  
Tarrance: (Outraged) WHAT!?! What the hell did you just say to me?  
  
Courtney: That you were a pathetic excuse for a captain who wears really skanky clothing!  
Tarrance: (Furious) Okay, that's it! I'm sick and tired of dealing with your permanent PMS! I was captain of the squad, I am going to be captain of the squad in college, and I look way cuter than you in my cheerleading outfit!  
  
Cliff: Yeah, you tell her, honey!  
  
Courtney: Oh look, your loser boyfriend's here too! (Sarcastically) What a wonderful turn of events. You know, I could have been on T.V., I could have been famous, I could have been unstoppable! But no, I was lucky enough to drive in the same car with Buffy, the vampire loser, get into a car crash and run into you wonderful people. What luck!  
(Stops complaining and smiles to herself)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Hey, this actually might work to my advantage after all!  
  
Tarrance: Ok Courtney, now even you have managed to confuse me! Someone bring me into the loop!  
  
Courtney: (Looks at Missy and Cliff) You mean she STILL doesn't know who you guys are? Or who I am?!?  
  
Missy: Um, we were about to tell her, before you went into your little hissy fit! And as for you, what's there to know?  
  
Courtney: Angel, you haven't told Faith about me?  
  
Angel: (Looks at her confused) Um, I just met you on the highway. I briefly heard you and Buffy arguing before, but I really wasn't listening.  
  
(Courtney lets out a sight of relief)  
  
Courtney: (Obviously lying) Oh, um, we were arguing over, um, who won the, um, hockey game.  
  
Tarrance: (Oblivious to the fact that Courtney is lying) Hey, when did you start watching hockey?  
  
Courntey: None of your damn business, but I'll tell you anyway! (Lying) I happen to be a big fan of hockey.  
  
Missy: (Smiles slyly) Really, what does a goalie do?  
  
Courtney: (Tries to make up an answer) Um, the thing that the people in the padded uniform thing hit!  
  
(Missy cracks up)  
  
Tarrance: (Smiles slyly) I think I know what's really up.  
  
Courtney: (Nervously) Um, nothing's up!  
  
Tarrance: Don't lie to me Courtney, I sense a new boyfriend. One who happens to play hockey!  
  
Courtney: (Relieved that Tarrance didn't figure out what was up) Um yeah Tarr, you caught me. New boyfriend. Hockey. Um, yep.  
  
Cordelia: But I thought you were a feminist! One who just got out of a bad relationship. Why would you go out with another guy after your last breakup? And with all your new fans, you'd be letting them down!  
  
(Missy smiles to herself)  
  
Courntey: What are YOU smiling at?  
  
Missy: I knew it, I knew it was true right from the moment I joined the cheerleading squad!  
  
Courtney and Angel: WHAT!?!  
  
Angel: You cheer? You mean, pom pom cheerleading?  
  
Missy: (Very annoyed) Yeah, you got a problem with that?  
  
(Angel begins to crack up)  
  
Angel: You mean like Cordelia used to be?  
  
Cordelia: (Slightly annoyed at his comment) Hey, what's wrong with that?  
  
(Angel continues to laugh, and becomes hysterical)  
  
Angel: (Through tears) Faith cheerlead? Being all happy and excited, doing little cartwheels, wearing those mini skirts and using pom poms. This is too much!  
  
(He continues to laugh hysterically)  
  
Cordelia (Shocked at what she's seeing) I've never seen Angel laugh so much. EVER! Combining all the times he's ever laughed and or smiled!  
  
Missy: (Very angry) He won't be smiling for long!  
  
(She walks over to Angel and kicks him really hard in the ribs. Angel stops laughinh)  
  
Angel: Ow, what the hell did you do that for?  
  
Missy: Hey, no one makes fun of my new hobby without dealing with me!  
  
Angel: (Chuckles a little) Fine, you can tell us all about it on the car trip.  
  
Cordelia: Where are we going, anyway?  
  
Angel: Well, I didn't bring any money, so we can't go to a hotel.  
  
Tarrance: Then where can we stay? Not in the car, that's for sure!  
  
Courtney: I need my beauty sleep!  
  
Missy: That's for sure!  
  
Courtney: Hey, what the hell did you just say?!?  
  
Angel: Courtney, will you shut up just for a minute? Do you want to meet Angelus again?  
  
(Courtney glares at him, but says nothing)  
  
Angel: That's better.  
  
Cordelia: So where can we go? There's Buffy's house.  
  
Angel: (Quickly interupts her) No, bad idea! She's not exactly in the best place right now. I don't think she could handle all of us. Besides, that's also very rude. Wait, what about Willow?  
  
Cordelia: Living with Buffy.  
  
Angel: Oh yeah. Hmmm..., how about Xander?  
  
Cordelia: (Answers a little too quickly, for she doesn't feel comfortable seeing her ex.)  
  
No, bad idea. He doesn't have enough room, anyway.  
  
Angel: Well, then I'm at loss. (Thinks for a minute) (Smiles slyly) Wait, there is one other place...  
  
Cordelia: You don't mean...  
  
Angel: Oh, I do. Spike's crypt will do just fine.  
  
(Cordelia smiles, for she knows exactly what Angel's getting at)  
  
Cordelia: Want to pay your dear friend a visit?  
  
Angel: Of course, it wouldn't be very polite of me not to stp by. And it'd be a shame not to use his stuff.  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles) Yeah, a real shame.  
  
Angel: Okay guys, party at Spike's crypt!  
  
Missy: Party? Cool!  
  
Angel: You'll explain on the way.  
  
(He opens the door to the car, and they all get in. All of a sudden, Cordelia grasps her head)  
  
Angel: Oh no Cordelia, a vision?  
  
Cordelai; No, not that. And even if it was, they don't hurt, remember?  
  
Angel: Then what's wrong?  
  
Cordelia: (In a panicked voice) Connor! He's still in the car!  
  
Angel: (Scared) Crap, he'd better be okay!  
  
Cordelia: Oh my G-d, how stupid of me!  
  
Angel: Cordelia, it's not your fault. I'm responsible for him.  
  
Cordleia: But I was holding him last!  
  
Angel: Hey, don't worry, I'll go catch up with Spike and make sure Connor's alright.  
  
Cordelia: No, I don't have any idea where Spike's crypt is. You can sense him. You need to drive everyone there.  
  
(Angel looks at her like she's insane)  
  
Cordelia: I'll get Connor!  
  
Angel: I don't know...  
  
Cordelia: Relax, I know where she lives. Besides, I have enough money for a cab. I'll get him, don't worry.  
  
Angel: You sure?  
  
Cordelia: Yeah, sure.  
  
Angel: Ok, I trust you.  
  
(He closes the door and drives away with Missy, Cliff, Tarrance, and Courtney)  
  
Cordelia: (Mutters to herself) I have enough money for a cab made out of plastic.  
  
(She begins to walk to the slayer's house)  
  
Cordelia: Connor better be okay, or I'll never forgive myself! 


	9. Secrets Revealed

Scene 14: Secrets revealed.  
  
(Okay, this scene isn't exactly the funniest, but I need story, too! Don't worry, though. I intend to make sure the story will still contain plenty of humor. I believe we need more humorous fanfic stories . That's what I like to write humorous stories, because there's so few of them. Don't get me wrong. I like a good dramatic, romantic, or even slash story as much as I like humor. I'm just saying that humor is something we all need in our lives, especially in this day and age. Okay, enjoy )  
  
And by the way, remember that this takes place right after Birthday and Gone, so the ballet episode on Angel and Dead Things on BtVS never happened.  
  
(Cordelia is now on the search for Connor. She has no car, and is walking in her cheerleader outfit and sneakers)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself as she walks) I can't believe I forgot all about Connor! How stupid of me! G-d, if I was a baby, would I want to be left in a car? No, of course not. Wait, what if he got hurt in the crash? I mean, I know that it wasn't that bad of a crash, but Buffy managed to get hurt, so a little baby could have definately gotten hurt. Oh G-d, do babies remember stuff that happens to them? I hope not. I know if I was a baby, I would not be happy if someone forgot me. Oh G-d, this might tramatize Connor for the rest of his life! He'll never be able to ride in a car again!  
  
(She steps in the street)  
  
(A car passes by her and honks, taking her from her train of thought)  
  
Person in Car: Hey, watch where you're going!  
  
Cordelia: (Screams as the car drives away) Hey, there was a stop sign, buddy!  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Great, now I'M yelling at bad drivers. I hope I find Connor soon. (She looks up at the sign to see what street she's on)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself as she continues to walk) Almost there, I think. Gee, I thought it'd be a longer walk.  
  
(She can sense something's presence behind her)  
  
Cordelia: (Suspiciously) What was that?  
  
(A vampire jumps out of the bushes. She panics, and drops her cell phone. The vampire grabs her from behind, but she elbows him in the stomach. He growls and lets go for about 5 seconds. She goes to reach for a stick from the bushes but the vampire grabs her arm. She kicks him in the shin and this stops him from trying to attack her for another 5 seconds. This time she manages to grab a stick before he grabs her. He grabs her neck and is about to bite her, when she stabs him with the stick in his stomach. He growls in agony, and she goes to grab a bigger stick, so she could stake him. She finds one by a nearby tree, and grabs it. She hurries over to the vampire, right before he gets up and stakes him. He turns into dust, and she sighs with relief)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Yet another stupid thing I've done to add to the list. Not bringing a stake to Sunnydale! It's kind of funny, though. The last time I was in Sunnydale, I barely could hold a stake properly, and now I can stake vampires and not think twice about it. I guess L.A. really did change me. For the better, I think.  
  
(Another car passes by and honks at her)  
Cordelia: (Screams at the passing driver) Hey, I wasn't even in the street! What moving violation could I have possibly committed?!?  
  
(Realizes that he wasn't honking at her because of a moving violation)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself, slightly embarrassed) Oh, THAT'S what he meant. Courtney may be right about one thing. Men can be such pigs!  
  
(She looks up at the street sign)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself as she walks) Hey, I recognize this street. Almost there, I guess. (She sighs and continues to walk) I wonder why I volunteered to find Connor, anyway. I mean, Angel would have been able to have found him much quicker. Did I do it because I wanted to impress...No, no I did it because I have no idea where Spike's crypt is. Yeah, keep telling yourself that...  
  
(She bumps into a pole, interrupting her train of thought)  
  
Cordelia: (Slighty annoyed) Hey, when did THAT get put there!  
  
(She looks at the sign and recognizes where she is)  
  
Cordelia: (In complete shock) My, my old house! Oh my G-d, is that really it? I, I can't believe it! My house! It seems so surreal. (She goes to knock on the door but then stops herself)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Not now, I have to go find Connor. Maybe some other time.  
  
(She walks away, feeling numb from both her shock and the cold. She walks silently for the rest of her search, her mind a blank. When she finally recognizes the slayer's house, she runs to the open garage and looks through the car window. She sees nothing. Panicking, she begins pulling on the car handle, trying to get the door open. When she is unsuccessful, she goes to kick the door. She only manages to dent it slightly)  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) Crap, no Connor, and I dented her car! Wait, when did Buffy get a car? Oh crap, it's not even hers! G-d damn it, does everything have to go wrong?  
  
(She sighs)  
  
Cordelia: (With dread in her voice) Well, I guess I better go knock on her door. Hopefully, they have Connor. If they don't, (she groans) I don't even want to think of that!  
  
(She walks up to the door. She takes a deep breath, and rings the bell. No response. She rings the bell again. This time she can hear footsteps at the door. She lets out a sigh of relief. Dawn answers the door)  
  
Dawn: (Not exactly sure who's at the door) Um, hi. Can I help you?  
  
Cordelia: (Feeling very awkward) Um yeah, I'm looking for a Connor named baby. (Realizes that she mixed up her sentence) Um, I mean a baby named Connor.  
  
Dawn: Oh. (Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Yeah, when we left, we saw him on the floor. Surprisingly, he was sleeping. Good thing Buffy saw him. He could have suffocated or something.  
  
(Cordelia looks down at the ground, feeling very ashamed)  
  
Dawn: (Realizes that those might not have been the best words) Um, not that he did or anything. Don't worry, he's fine. But if you don't mind me asking, who exactly are you?  
  
Cordelia: (Slightly embarrassed for not telling Dawn) Oh yeah, sorry about that. I'm Cordelia.  
  
(Dawn looks at her blankly)  
  
Cordelia: Um, I work in L.A. with Angel.  
  
Dawn: (Begins to recognize her) Oooooh, I think I remember you. You went to high school with Buffy. Dated Xander for awhile, right?  
  
Cordelia: (Feeling slightly awkward) Um yeah. Saw you around every now and then with Buffy.  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Um, would you like to come in?  
  
Cordelia: Oh, um, yeah.  
  
(She enters the house)  
  
Dawn: Um, would you like anything? Maybe some water or a snack?  
  
Cordelia: No, no I'm fine. Could I have Connor?  
  
Dawn: (Thinks to herself) Duh! Of course she wants Connor, why else would she be here?  
  
Dawn: Sure. I'll go get him. (She runs up the stairs)  
  
(She walks in front of Buffy's door and knocks)  
  
In Buffy's room:  
  
Buffy: (Rocking Connor) Aw, wook at the wittle baby. I could just squish you and cuddle you and play with you and (she hears a knock on the door)  
  
Buffy: (In an annoyed voice) Spike, I thought I told you to go away! I'm playing with the baby right now!  
  
(Outside the door)  
  
Dawn: (A little shocked at Buffy's response) Um Buffy, it's me! Spike left after he saw you were okay, remember?  
  
Buffy: (Very embarrassed) Oh yeah, right. Well, come in.  
  
(Dawn comes in)  
Dawn: Cordelia wants Connor. Is she his mother?  
  
Buffy: (Feels very awkward explaining this to Dawn) Um, no, his mother is dead. Angel's his father. He must have been worried when he realized that he didn't have the baby and sent Cordelia over to make sure he was okay)  
  
Dawn: Oh. (Annoyed) You know Buffy, you could have told me before.  
  
Buffy: Oh, sorry about that, Dawn. I just didn't get a chance to.  
  
Dawn: (Nearly at tears) You NEVER have time to tell me anything!  
  
(She storms out of the room)  
  
Buffy: Dawn, where are you going?  
  
Dawn: (Crying) To my room!  
  
(She stomps to her room and slams the door)  
Buffy: (Mutters to herself) Great, something else I've done wrong. (Looks at Connor) Well, I guess I'd better bring you downstairs to Cordelia.  
  
(She walks down the stairs carrying Connor)  
  
Back Downstairs:  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) I wonder what's taking her sister so long.  
  
(Buffy enters the room holding Connor)  
  
Cordelia: (Very happily) Connor!  
  
(Buffy hands her the baby. Cordelia hugs and kisses him)  
  
Cordelia: (Looks at Connor adoringly) Oh wittle Connor, I wuz so wowied about you. And daddy wuz wowied. (She begins to rock him)  
  
Buffy: Sorry about getting you guys so worried.  
  
Cordelia: Oh, totally not your fault. I should have realized I didn't have the baby but...  
  
Buffy: Shhh, I know.  
  
Cordelia: (Looks at her puzzled) You do?  
  
Buffy: (Smiles) It's hard to think straight when you're with Angel. Believe me, I know.  
  
Cordelia: (Feels very uncomfortable) Um Buffy, I'm not sure what you're saying, but Angel and I are just friends.  
  
Buffy: (Stares out into space blankly, completely unaware of Cordelia) Yeah, just friends. I wish we were just friends. But can't get him out of my thoughts, out of my system, out of my mind...  
  
Cordelia: (Completely taken by surprise) HUH?!?  
  
Buffy: (Snapped back into reality. She jumps back) Oh, um, did you say something?  
  
Cordelia: (Near tears) No, but you said plenty. I should have known! How could I have been so stupid? I should have known you guys still had it bad for each other. Stupid little me. Why would HE ever be interested in pathetic me?  
  
(She runs out of the house carrying Connor, crying)  
  
Buffy: Oh great, I've made someone else cry hysterically! I guess that's what happens when you hang out with fun, fun Buffy!  
(Buffy runs out the door, looking for Cordelia. She sees her crying on the doordstep)  
  
Buffy: (Feeling really bad) Oh Cordelia, I'm sooo sorry, whatever I did.  
  
Cordelia: (Stops crying) Huh? Oh, no Buffy, it's not your fault.  
  
Buffy: (Feels relieved) It's not?  
  
Cordelia: (Tears again)You guys can't control how you feel for each other.  
  
Buffy: (Very confused) Say, how do you know what I'm talking about? Did Angel tell you about us?  
  
Cordelia: (Begins crying again) He didn't have to, I can see it in his eyes.  
  
Buffy: (Extremely confused) He was THAT angry about it?  
  
Cordelia: (Also very confused) Huh? Why would he be angry?  
  
Buffy: Wow, I don't think we're on the same page. Let's start over. Now, why are you crying?  
  
Cordelia: (Very embarrassed) You mean, you don't know?  
  
Buffy: (Confusion beginning to frustrate her) I'm so lost right now! I have no idea what you're talking about!  
  
Cordelia: (Through tears) You and Angel, you, you're...  
  
(Buffy begins to understand and sighs in relief)  
  
Buffy: Angel? I wasn't talking about Angel.  
  
Cordelia: (Taken by surprise) You weren't?!?  
  
Buffy: (Chuckles) No, I mean, we're just friends now. I mean, a part of me will always love him, but not like that. Oh my G-d, I'm sooo sorry about the confusion.  
  
Cordelia: (Very embarrassed) Oh, not your fault. I jumped to a conclusion.  
  
Buffy: (Laughs) Believe me, I've had my share of those!  
  
Cordelia: (Smiles) You, you won't tell him right?  
  
Buffy: Oh course not, it's not my place to tell. But I can tell he feels the same way.  
  
Cordelia: (Skeptical) Really? I don't think so.  
  
Buffy: Trust me, I know Angel, and from what I've seen, he's got it bad.  
  
Cordelia: Oh, I don't know.  
  
Buffy: Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure it will all work out for you.  
  
Cordelia: Hey, Buffy?  
  
Buffy: Yeah.  
  
Cordelia: I'm not sure what you told Angel, and I'm not sure who or what you were talking about in there, but whoever it is, just let it go.  
  
Buffy: Excuse me?  
  
Cordelia: Don't keep those feelings bottled up inside. It's not healthy. (Realizes how hypocritical she sounds) Oh G-d, not that it's my place to tell you that...  
  
Buffy: No, no I'm glad you did. Cordelia, if I tell you something, you have to promise not to tell anyone.  
  
Cordelia: Okay, I promise.  
  
(They walk to the car)  
  
Cordelia: You can tell me on the way there.  
  
Buffy: Where are we going?  
  
Cordelia: To find Angel and the others.  
  
Buffy: Ok. Let me just tell Dawn I'll be out.  
  
Cordelia: Okay.  
  
(She opens the car door and sits in the drivers seat, rocking the baby)  
  
(Buffy goes back into the huse)  
  
Buffy: (Screams up the stairs) Dawn? Dawn? Dawn, I'm leaving with Cordelia. Don't stay up too late. (No response)  
  
Buffy: (Thinks to herself) I guess she's not speaking to me. I better write her a note, just in case she didn't hear me.  
  
(She writes Dawn a note and leaves it one the table. She then leaves the house and locks the door. She goes to the car and enters on the passenger's side)  
  
Buffy: Hey, do you want me to hold Connor while you drive?  
  
Cordelia: Oh, yeah. That would be very helpful.  
  
(Buffy takes Connor in her arms)  
  
Buffy: Say, was that dent on the car from the car crash?  
  
Cordelia: (Slightly embarrassed) Oh, um not exactly. Why, is this your car?  
  
Buffy: No, I borrowed it from Xander.  
  
(Cordelia groans)  
  
Buffy: What?  
  
Cordelia: Great, I managed to dent my ex's car.  
  
Buffy: That was you?  
  
Cordelia: I thought Connor might have still been in the car.  
  
Buffy: Oh. (Laughs a little)  
  
Cordelia: (Lifts an eyebrow) What?  
  
Buffy: That sounds like something I'd do!  
  
Cordelia: Do you think he'll be mad?  
  
Buffy: Honestly, I think he'll be so stunned to see you and Angel here that he won't even notice.  
  
(Cordelia puts the keys in the car's engine and begins to drive)  
  
Cordelia: Um, we're not the only ones in Sunnydale who don't belong.  
  
Buffy: Huh?  
  
Cordelia: Oh yeah, you were too stunned from the crash. I'll tell you on the way after you're done with your story. Promise not to freak out?  
  
Buffy: Okay, if you promise not to freak out.  
  
Cordelai: (Smiles) Okay, we will not freak out together!  
  
Buffy; By the way, where is everyone, anyway?  
  
Cordelia: Spike's crypt.  
  
(Buffy groans) 


	10. A Past Memory

Scene 15: A Past Memory  
  
Around the time where Cordelia had found Buffy's house...  
  
(Angel, Missy, Cliff, Tarrance, and Courtney have just arrived at Spike's crypt)  
  
Missy: So, we're here?  
Angel: Yeah, this is the place.  
Missy: Cool, now we can party!  
(Tarrance stares at the roof of the car with a dazed expression. Cliff notices, and shakes her, attempting to snap her out of it)  
Tarrance: (Completely out of it) Those stars, I think I've seen them before.  
Cliff: (Puzzled expression on his face) Um Tarr, that's the roof of the car.  
Tarrance: (Ignoring Cliff) I don't want anymore dolls! They never grow old!  
Cliff: (Panics) Oh G-d, she's lost it. What should I do?  
Missy: Slap her!  
(He slaps her face)  
Tarrance: (Shocked) Huh? What? Huh? (Feels the pain from the slap) Ow!  
Cliff: What was THAT about?  
Missy: Yeah, way freaky. Were you like that the whole car ride?  
Tarrance: (Completely confused) Like what?  
Missy: Like this! (She looks at the ceiling with a blank expression on her face) The dolls, the dolls!  
Tarrance: (Completely confused) I said that?  
Cliff: (Looks at her as if he had sprouted horns) [well, bad example, knowing that this is Sunnydale, after all] Wow, yeah. Like a minute ago. The rest of the car trip, you were silent.  
Missy: Maybe Sunnydale doesn't agree with her.   
Cliff: (Looks at Tarrance) Are you feeling okay?  
Tarrance: Yeah, yeah I'm fine. I just had the weirdest sense of Deja Vu, as if I have been here before.  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) She does look slightly familar. The face, anyway. Hmmm, I wonder if... No, she couldn't be. She's dead.   
Cliff: Wow, now Angel has a weird, dazed expression on his face. Is something up?  
Missy: (Wants to lighten everyone up, so she pretends to be a newscaster) Welcome to the world of Angel, where we keep you updated on the latest apocolapses and Angel brooding sessions. The rules: 1.No speaking. 2.No smiling. 3.No breathing. 4. No fun. Okay, now the latest on Angel fashion with your host, Courtney.  
Courtney: (Decides to play along, for she has nothing better to do) Okay, in the world of Angel, the fashion is black, black, black, black, wait, is that navy blue? No, wishful thinking. That's black too!   
Missy: Tell us Courtney, what do you think will be in fashion next century?  
Courtney: Well, in Angel world, black, black, black, and some more black.  
Missy: Thank you. That was fashion with Courtney. Now, off to sports. Cliff?  
Cliff: (Sheepish grin) Okay, in the world of Angel, they're some vampire slayage, followed by a quick fight with a demon, then more vampire slayage, followed by feeding the baby.  
Missy: Thank you, Cliff. Well, I hope you folks at home have enjoyed learning about the facinating world of Angel. Tune in next week for cooking with Dracula, where we will make Bloody Mary's and brownies. Have a nice night! (She cracks up hysterically)  
(Angel glares at her)  
Missy: Oh Angel, you've gotta lighten up. We're 5 by 5, right?  
Angel: (Smiles mischeviously) Hey Faith, you may have won this battle, but all I have to say is one word: cheerleader!  
(He cracks up once more. She sticks her middle finger at him.)  
Tarrance: Hey guys, sorry I weirded out before, it's just that...  
Angel: (Knows exactly what she's thinking) You felt something powerful. Some long lost connection you never knew you had.  
Tarrance: Yeah, something like that. Something frightening but incredibly wonderful at the same time.  
Angel: (Mutters to himself) Something frightening and incredibly wonderful at the same time. Feels so familiar.   
  
(Both Angel and Tarrance zone out into their own little world)  
_Tarrance: Louie! Louie, where are you? Louie, the sun's coming! (Begins to cry) Louie, I'm sorry I wasn't a good girl. I'll be a doll, I'll be a doll!  
Angel: (Bitterly) So you came to me, knowing I had a soul...  
Tarrance: (Begins to cry) The sun, it's coming!  
Angel: If she's dead, what do you want with me?   
Tarrance: I see it, it's starting to appear!  
Angel: What can I do about it?   
Tarrance: Ahhh, it burns!!! Louie!  
(She collapses on the car floor)  
Angel: Bring her back?_  
  
Missy: (Hint of worry in her voice) Okay, this is getting really freaky!  
Cliff: Guys, snap out of it!  
(Missy slaps Tarrance and Cliff slaps Angel)  
Tarrance: Ow, what the hell was that for?  
Cliff: Ow! Damn Angel, you have a hard head!  
Angel: Oh no, it can't be, can it?  
Cliff: Um, it can. The black and blues on my hands prove it.  
Angel: (Very annoyed) Not talking to you, idiot!   
Missy: What is wrong with all of you? Is it the lack of brooding space?  
Angel: (Completely ignores Missy) Tarrance, we have to talk.  
Tarrance: Guys, I'm so confused, I'm even beginning to forget what my name is. Was it Tammy or Tabatha?  
Cliff: Tarrance, honey.  
Missy: Okay, I think we all are a little confused. Let's just all get out of here and go inside Spike's crypt.  
Courtney: (Snaps at the 4 of them) Okay, the 4 of you have been giving me a major headache! Now, the great Glo...(realizes she doesn't want them to know who she is) um, glow in the dark nail polish I'm wearing had lost it's glow, and I have lost my patience! I'm out of here!  
(She opens the car door)  
(Angel is about to open the door, when Missy taps him)  
Missy: Let the slut go, she's a bitch.(Big smile) Hey if we're lucky, maybe she'll get mugged!  
Angel: No, I have to get her. She could be dangerous.  
Missy: (Sarcastically) Yeah, she could stab somebody's eye out with her nails.  
(He leaves the car and grabs Courtney by her shoulder)  
Courtney: Hey, let go of me, you poorly dressed loser!  
Angel: Hey, I saw you fighting with Cordelia before, and what I've heard about you from Cordelia, you have attempted to hurt and or kill a few people who disagreed with your "feminist methods"  
Courtney: Hey, they were getting on my nerves!  
Angel: All I'm saying is, I don't feel safe letting you leave. Until we figure this out, I'm going to ask you to stay.  
Courtney: Hmmm, let me think about it. No!  
Angel: (Punches her, knocking her out cold)  
Angel: Never was good at taking "no" for an answer.  
(He carries Courtney to the door of the crypt)  
Angel: (Looks at the car) Are you guys coming?  
Missy: Yeah, yeah.  
(The three of them leave the car)  
Angel: I hope we hear from Cordelia soon.  
(Looks at Tarrance)  
Angel: And you are getting an explaination right now!  
(Angel barges down the door of Spike's crypt)  
Angel: Everyone, make yourself at home.  
  
(Meanwhile, Missy walks from one room to the next, looking around) Say, what are these? (Sees a pair of handcuffs)   
Missy: I see someone's been naughty. How kinky!  
(She takes them)  
Missy: (Thinks to herself) Just in case I need them. Besides, Angel said "make yourself at home." (She walks back to the livng room, where everyone's hanging out)  
(Tarrance walks over to Missy)  
Tarrance: (Fear in her voice) Did you see what that guy did to Courtney? We could be next!  
Missy: (Proud smirk) Oh, I highly doubt that, because Missy's gonna kick his ass if he even tries.  
Tarrance: Ok, not to sound like a complete wimp and helpless damsel in distress, but that guy is strong, and we're well, we're...  
Missy: (Very annoyed at Tarrance's perspective) What? Girls? So what?  
Tarrance: And Cliff, he's not exactly the greatest fighter...  
(Cliff falls off the couch he just sat on)  
Cliff: Hey, who moved the couch?  
Tarrance: (whispers to Missy) And he's kind off a klutz.  
Missy: Oh, Cliff?  
(Tarrance nods her head)  
Missy: (Says very "matter of factly") Well yeah, if we were a couple of helpless girls and Cliff was our only hope, I would say yeah, be worried. But we're not helpless. You have potential to be a great fighter. I can sense it. You just need someone to train you...  
Tarrance: Wait, you can fight?  
Missy: I guess now's as good as time as any to tell you.  
Angel: About time.  
Missy: (Very annoyed) Hey, do I listen to your conversations?  
Angel: Can't help it. Vampire hearing. Don't worry Tarrance, I don't bite.  
Cliff: Just tell her already!  
Missy: Tarrance, I am a vampire slayer.  
Tarrance: (Doesn't understand) Huh?  
Missy: (Speaks very slowly) I.....kill......vam....pires. Well, supposed to, anyway.  
Tarrance: Still, huh?  
(Missy begins to tell her story while Tarrance listens eagerly, Cliff raids Spike's kitchen to look for food, Courtney files her nails, completely uninterseted and Angel thinks about what seems so familiar about Tarrance and that conversation he had so many years ago)  
  



	11. What happened to Spike, Dawn, and the re...

Scene 16: What happened to Spike, Dawn, and the rest of the scoobies?  
  
(Back in Buffy's house, Dawn is having a fit in her room. She throws a stuffed animal at her T.V., knocking it down. She then jumps on her head and punches her pillow. By now, she has managed to make her room look as if a Tornado had hit it.)  
  
Dawn: (Whines to herself) It's not fair, I'm always the last to know! If I had slayer powers, I could do just as good of a job as Buffy and not be as much of a pain in the ass. Plus, I'm taller and look better in black!  
(She looks out her window)  
Dawn: (Thinks to herself) You know what, that's not a bad idea. Even if I can't have slayer powers, I can at least learn to fight. But Buffy is never around, and probally wouldn't want to waste her time teaching me, anyway.   
(She looks out the window)  
Dawn: (Thinks to herself) Maybe someone else could teach me how to fight. That other Slayer, Faith, she's a good fighter. Plus, she doesn't like my sister. Definately a plus. Wait, not the best idea. She might not be the safest person to hang around with. Well, there's always Spike. (She grins to herself) Boy, wouldn't it be funny if I ended up becoming a better fighter than Buffy is? What would Spike think of her then?  
(Dawn opens her window)  
Dawn: I might as well go for a walk. Not doing anything important here.   
Dawn: (Thinks to herself) Okay, maybe I'm looking for a certain blond vampire, but hey, I have to walk to go to his crypt, right? Right.  
(She throws a blanket out the window and climbs down, not realizing that Buffy wasn't home to stop her if she just left out the front door. She ends up loosing her balance about half way down and falls on her ass)  
Dawn: (In a whiny voice) Owwww!  
Dawn: (Thinks to herself as she walks away from the house) Boy, the house is so quiet. I wonder what Buffy's doing, anyway?  
  
Meanwhile, at the local bar...  
  
(Spike is sitting at a bar counter, ordering a drink and some fries)  
Spike: (Very distressed) What do you mean you have no more onion fries?  
Bartender: Sorry, but no one wanted them. People just aren't crazy about onion flavoring anymore.  
Spike: Bloody hell, does anything good ever happen in this town?!?  
Bartender: Now that you mention it, we added sardine flavored kinishes.   
(Spike groans)  
Spike: (Very frustrated) Oh bloody hell, just give me a bottle of beer and some barbarcue potato chips.  
Bartender: Sorry, we don't have anymore barbarcue potato chips.  
Spike: Oh bloody hell, what flavor chips do you have?  
Bartender: Sour cream and onion.  
(Spike groans and bangs his head on the counter to take out his frustration)  
Bartender: Hey, you'll dent the counter!  
Spike: Okay, that's it, the pain will be worth it!  
(He punches the guy in the face)  
Bartender and Spike: Ow!  
Spike: Yep, pain worth it.  
Bartender: Hey, I don't like your attitude. I'm going to request that you leave my bar.  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Or what are you going to do about it?  
(About 30 seconds later, Spike finds himself laying on the ground outside the back exit of the bar)  
Spike: If it wasn't for this bleeding chip, I could have killed everyone at the whole bar!  
(As he complains to himself, he notices a guy with his arms linked around a blond and a girl with red hair across the street. Very red hair.)  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Looks like someone's getting lucky tonight. Well, it's certanly not because of his looks. He must have money or a new car.  
(However, as they near the bar, they seem very familar to Spike)  
Spike: Oh bloody hell, not them! I'm really not in the mood!  
Willow: (Very cheerfully) Not in the mood for what?  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell.  
Xander: Spike, you look like crap.  
Spike: You shouldn't be talking.  
Anya: Hey, he was just be honest. Xander tells me that fellow humans appreciate honesty.  
Spike: (Very ticked off) Yeah, well I don't, so sod off!  
Xander: Hey, who said that this was a dead creature only zone? Wait, what are you doing out of the bar, anyway.  
Spike: (Sounding very haughty and British) They had no onion fries, so I bloody left!  
Willow: (Lifts an eyebrow) Through the back?  
Xander: (Laughs) Aw, looks like poor Spikey go kicked out of the bar. What a shame, what a shame.  
Anya: Hey, I think you are hurting our dear friend Spike's feelings.  
Xander: Wow, stop there! When did he become a friend or dear?  
Spike: Listen Harris, if I wanted to beat the crap out of you, I would. But luckily for you, I just want to go home to my crypt and get some sleep. I have a headache, and don't need it to get worse with your complaining.  
Willow: I'll say, you look terrible. What happened?   
Spike: Oh G-d, what didn't happen?  
Anya: Well, the world didn't end.  
(However, Spike isn't listening. He smells something. Something that he shouldn't be smelling near him, ever!)  
Spike: (Menancingly) The poof, where is he?  
Xander and Willow: Huh?  
Anya: Oh, you mean that Angel guy that you seem to really dislike?  
Spike: Yeah, that's the one. Do you know where he is?  
Anya: How would I know, I only met him once!  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell, I can smell him!   
Xander: I know I'm not the only one here who thinks "huh"?  
Spike: Oh yeah, you guys weren't there. Peaches is back in Sunnydale and he brought (rubs his head) company.  
Willow: Oh no, did he lose his soul again?  
Anya: Oh great, now we can invite him to the wedding.  
(Everyone stares at her blankly)  
Anya: I was just kidding.  
Xander: You didn't know Angelus like you did Dracula, right?  
Anya: No, I didn't meet him when I was a demon. But I heard he was hot.  
(Xander and Spike both groan)  
Anya: What, I was just telling the truth. Xander, you always said that humans appreciate hearing the truth. Why are you turning that funny red color?  
(Willow takes Anya aside)  
Willow: (Whispers to Anya) He forgot to tell you the important thing about men.  
Anya: And what would that be, my dear friend who I must show support to during this time?  
(Willow rolls her eyes)  
Willow: (Whispers) Men have no idea what they're talking about.  
Anya: Ooooh, so that wasn't just what vengance demons are supposed to think?  
Willow: (Laughs) No Anya, it's what women know as a fact and men attempt to deny.  
Spike: Hey, I heard that!  
Xander: (Sarcastically)Well, as much of a good time I'm having talking to Spike, I think it's time to go. After the night we had, I could use some barbacue chips.  
Spike: They don't have those either.  
Xander: (In complete shock) You're kidding!  
(Spike shakes his head "no")  
Xander: Damn, what is this country coming to?  
Spike: (Looks at Xander with a sly grin) Hey, just curious Harris, what kind of night did you have?  
Xander: Oh, I'd rather not get into the details...  
(However Spike is ignoring Xander and is smelling the air)  
Spike: Explain on the way.  
Xander: Huh?  
Spike: MY CRYPT! The bloody poof is at my crypt! Oh that's it, now I'm mad!  
(He morphs into his demon face)  
Xander: Damn it, can't he stop getting "happy"?  
(The three of them look at him as if he had just said something smart)  
Xander: Well, why else would he be hear? It's gotta be Angelus. When Buffy went to L.A. and asked to borrow my car, I didn't realize that she'd...  
(Spike cuts him off)  
Spike: (Realizes why he found Buffy with Angel and Cordelia in the car) No wonder why Peaches was with her.  
Xander: Great, now we got to stop him again.  
(Spike gets an idea and smiles)  
Spike: Yeah, he could be dangerous. We'd better stake him, and quick, before he gets a chance to say anythig.  
Willow: I could try to recurse him...  
(Xander and Spike shake their heads frantically "no")  
Willow: But I can't use magic. Maybe we should find Tara. She could do the spell.  
(Spike quickly tries to think of an excuse)  
Spike: Um, that wouldn't be such a good idea because, um, there's no time. Besides, she's out of the way.  
Willow: Well, I guess...  
Spike: Xander, do you have your car?  
Xander: Already told you, I lent it to Buffy.  
Spike: Okay, then we'll have to go on foot.  
(Xander, Anya, and Willow all follow Spike and try to keep up with his pace)  
Spike: Okay Xander this has been bothering me. What were you thinking when you decided to lend Buffy your car? Did you want to get rid of it?  
Xander: (Slighty embarrased) No, but I was afraid that if I said no, she'd, um, she'd ask you to give her a ride there.  
Spike: (Arrogant smile on his face) So, finally realize that no one can resist my charms?  
Xander: (Snorts) Yeah, and I'm a monkey.  
Anya: Well, you do exhibit monkey like charateristics when we have sex.  
Xander: (Turns red) Anya, what did I tell you about talking about our sex life?  
Anya: Um...  
Xander: That's exactly what got us kicked out of the movie!  
Spike: (Laughs as he speaks) What? Oh please, I need a good laugh. Tell me what happened.  
Xander: Well, we were waiting outside for tickets...  
Spike: No, not from you. (Smiles slyly) I want to here Anya's version.  
Xander: (Nervously speaks) Well there's no need to go into trivial details...  
Spike: Shut up, and let your girlfriend speak!  
Anya: (Angry that he called her Xander's girlfriend) FIANCEE!   
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Whatever.  
Anya: Well, we were waiting on line to buy tickets to see "A Beautiful Mind" because Xander insisted that we bring along Willow and let her choose the movie since her girlfriend left her and she's all messed up right now because of her magic...  
(Xander turns beet red out of embarassment and Willow glares at Anya)  
Willow: (Annoyed) Standing right here, you know!  
(Spike chuckles, for he always found Anya's blunt honesty to be very amusing)  
Anya: Anyway, Xander had wanted to see the movie Crossroads...  
(Willow looks at him in both disgust and shock and Spike cracks up hysterically)  
Xander: What, I just think the girl is talented.  
Willow: (Sarcastically) And the fact that she's in a shower scene didn't influence you at all.  
Xander: Hey, I thought it was a feel good movie that everyone could enjoy!  
Willow: Hey, I may be gay, but even I'm not interested in watching that movie! There's only so much of Britney Spears' croaking that she calls singing and belly tops revealing her boob jobs that I can take!  
(By this time, Xander has turned a darker shade of red and Spike is laughing so hard, he tears)  
Anya: (Very angrily) Hey, I thought you only had eyes for me! (She slaps him)  
Xander: Ow! Hey, the only reason you agreed to see "A Beautiful Mind" was because of Russel Crow!  
Anya: Oh yeah. (Shrugs her shoulders and continues her story) Well, anyway, we waiting on line for tickets to see "A Beautiful Mind" when this old lady comes over to me and asks what time it is. Well I tell her, and she began talking about the 1920's and how times were better then. I told her I didn't agree, that this day and age was better, because of all the technology, cute clothes, and women's rights.  
Willow: Hey, that's right!  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Go on.  
Anay: Anyway, we were arguing, when she told me about her late husband, and how they had only had sex once, just to reproduce. I told her that that wasn't natural, and that Xander and I have sex all the time!  
(Xander groans)  
Anya: She told me that that was sinful, so then I told her that I was a demon for over 1000 years and it was no big deal to me. She looked at me with this shocked expression on her face and her skin turned a very pale color. Well, I decided that maybe the reason she was so against sex was that she didn't know how to have it properly, so I started giving her some tips. She turned an even paler color and got one of the guards. I don't know what she told him, but the next thing I know, the guards are escorting us out of the theater and Xander is giving me this dirty look!  
(Xander groans again and buries his face in his hands)  
Willow: (Whispers to Anya) I don't think Xander wanted to relive that "incident"  
Anya: Why not? It was that woman's fault!  
Willow: Never mind Anya, never mind.  
Spike: Well, I found that story to be very amusing, and that will just make staking Peaches so much sweeter!  
Xander: Spike, shut up!  
Spike: Oh, was that supposed to be intimidating?  
(However, before they could continue their arguement, they see a man in black talking to a teenage girl)  
Man in black: Say, you interested in buying some pot?  
Dawn: (Very nervously) Pots, no, I, I don't cook.  
Man in black: No sweetie, I wasn't talking about pots. Pot. You know, weed, grass, puff the magic dragon...  
Dawn: (Very nervously) I know. Sorry, but I'm not interested.  
(She walks away, but the man grabs her shoulder)  
Man in black: Where do you think you're going, pretty thing?  
Dawn: (Very nervously) Hhhooome.  
Man in black: Aw, how sweet. But pretty little girl, you aren't going anywhere.  
(Before Xander could even move, Spike runs as fast as his legs could carry him to Dawn)  
Spike: (Completely enraged) That's where you're wrong! (He punches the man as hard as possible, killing him in the process)  
Spike: (Grabs his head because of all the pain) My head, my G-d, my bleeding head!  
(He collapses on the floor because of the pain)  
Dawn: (Panics) Spike, Spike? Spike, wake up!  
(Xander, Willow, and Anya run over to Dawn)  
Xander: (In a very angry voice) Dawn, what the hell were you thinking, going out at night alone?  
Dawn: (Crying) I, I didn't realize...  
Xander: (Still very angry) Dawn, you know better! You could have gotten hurt!  
Dawn: So what, it's not like any of you give a crap about me!  
Xander: Hey, watch your mouth!  
Willow: That's not true!  
Dawn: (Screams and cries at the same time) Bullshit! You shouldn't even talk, Willow, you almost killed me!  
Willow: (Tears fall from hr face) I know Dawn, you don't know how sorry I am...  
Dawn: (Ignoring Willow) And you Anya, always treating me like I'm some sort of lab rat, only to impress your stupid boyfriend with your "nurturing skills."  
Anya: Fiancce!  
Dawn: (Rolls her red eyes) Whatever. And you Xander, you didn't move a muscle when it came time to save me. I mean, what would be the point if Buffy wasn't here to watch and congradulate you!  
Xander: Hey, you know I was just about to save you.  
Dawn: Uh huh, sure. And if Buffy gave a damn about me, she would have never left me home alone! (She cries hysterically) You all wouldn't have left me alone!  
(Xander, Willow, and Anya stare at her with horrified expressions on their faces)  
Dawn: And now the only one of you who actually gives a crap about me has collapsed!  
(She sits on the ground crying hysterically, her head in her lap)  
Xander: (Not knowing exactly what to say0 Gee Dawn, we never knew you felt that way.  
Willow: (Pipping in) But it's not true!  
(Dawn continues to cry, ignoring them)  
Xander: Hey, how about help I carry Spike back to his crypt. (Attempts to lift him, but cannot do it) Okay, how about Willow helps me bring Spike back to his crypt and Anya can take you home. How does that sound?  
Dawn: No! I want to thank Spike when he wakes up! I'm coming with you.  
Xander: Dawn, I don't think...  
(Willow elbows him in the ribs)  
Willow: (Whispers to Xander) Just let her tag along if she wants, we don't want to upset her further.  
Xander: Fine, we'll all bring him back to his crypt.   
(Willow grabs Spike's legs and Xander grabs his head. Slowly, they walk toward the direction of his crypt)  
(Xander remembers that Spike had mentioned Angelus being at his crypt)  
Xander? Wait, what about Angelus?  
Dawn: What?   
Willow: Spike said that Angelus is back. It's not safe for you to be there. Okay, change of plans...  
Dawn: No wait, Angelus isn't back!  
Willow, Xander, and Anya: (Shocked expression) He's not?  
Dawn: (Rolls her eyes) No, I saw him before. He definetley had a soul.  
Willow: Then why would Spike say that he was Angelus?  
Dawn: (Rolls her eyes again) Duh, if you guys ever bothered getting to know Spike instead of making fun of him, you'd know he hates Angel. Of course he wants him staked and gone!  
Willow: But why?  
Dawn: I'm not sure exactly. Something about this girl he used to love called Drusilla.  
(Willow and Xander nod their heads in understanding. They continue to walk in silence until they reach the crypt)  
Xander?: Anya, could you get the door?  
Anya Sure.  
(She opens the door)  
Xander: (In complete shock) Faith, what the hell are you doing here? 


	12. Who am I?

Scene 17:Who am I???  
  
(Xander and Willow are holding Spike, frozen with shock. Anya shrugs her shoulders and walks inside. Dawn gives them a gentle shove, to bring them back to reality and goes inside)  
  
Missy: (Full of sarcasm) What, no friendly hello?  
  
Xander: (Stuttering from shock) Um, Faith, um, well, what, um, what a pleasant shock.  
  
(Missy rolls her eyes)  
  
Missy: Yeah, whatever. Missy's what they call me now.  
  
Willow: Um, Xander?  
  
Xander: What?  
  
Willow: (Annoyed) Could you two catch up when we're inside? My arms are getting numb from holding Spike so long since a certain ex demon didn't bother helping...  
  
Anya: Hey, I held the door!  
  
(Willow rolls her eyes)  
  
Tarrance: (Very annoyed) Hey, would all of you shut up and just come in already?  
  
(Willow and Xander looked at her with puzzled expressions on their faces and come inside. Missy smiles, for she was starting to rub off on Tarrance)  
  
Missy: (In a very "couldn't care either way" voice) So, what happened to blondie? Did he get attacked by a puppy?  
  
Dawn: Hey, you shouldn't make fun of Spike like that!  
  
Missy: Oh really? Why not?  
  
Dawn: Because, um, because he's really strong and could kill you!  
  
Missy: (Rolls her eyes) Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but he couldn't even hurt a fly. Well, a human fly.  
  
Dawn: (Embarrased at her outburst) Oh yeah.  
  
Missy: And to top it all off, he's been so whipped from your sister that I doubt he could even kill Cliff.  
  
Dawn, Willow, and Anya: Cliff?  
  
Dawn: Who's he?  
  
(Just then Cliff walks into the room)  
  
Cliff: Angel, what kind of crappy place to stay is this? No food!  
  
(Angel glares at him menancingly)  
  
Cliff: (Chuckles nervously) Not that I mind or anything.  
  
(He looks across the room to see strangers until he comes across a very familiar face)  
  
Cliff: Say, I thought vampires didn't have mirrors.  
  
Missy: Wow, wait! Cliff just thought! A first! Hey Tarr, got a camera? I think this is a Kodak moment.  
  
Angel: Don't forget, he still failed to realizes that vampires don't eat "food food" for the past 1/2 hour.  
  
Missy: (Agreeing) True, true.  
  
Cliff: Hey, I'm serious! My face! I can see it across the room!  
  
(He is looking directly at Xander. He shrugs his shoulders. Cliff shrugs his shoulders. He lifts his eyebrows. Cliff lifts his eyebrows. Xander picks something out of his teeth. Cliff picks something out of his teeth)  
  
Xander: (Whispers to Willow) Why is that strange man copying me? Wait, is that me, like 5 seconds ago?  
  
(By now, Missy is laughing hysterically)  
  
Missy: Cliff, you're such a moron! Xander doesn't even look like you! (Looks at Xander) Okay, maybe he does, but you can tell the difference!  
  
(Tarrance and Anya at the same time shout)  
  
Tarrance: Two Cliffs?  
  
Anya: Two Xanders?  
  
(Both Xander and Cliff look at them at the same time)  
  
Xander and Cliff: Oh my G-d, there's two of me!  
  
Anya: Two Xanders? Yeah! Is this like the last time you were split into two, because I never got to have sex with the two of you.  
  
Tarrance: Hey, no one's having sex with MY boyfriend!  
  
Cliff: (Very dissapointed) No one?  
  
(Both girls ignore him)  
  
Anya: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? He's MY FIANCEE!  
  
Tarrance: I have no idea what you're trying to say, since you're WAY too old for him! Besides, why would he go with you when he could be with me?  
  
Anya: Because I am hornier than the average male and look good with about any hairstyle!  
  
Missy: Hey, me too!  
  
Tarrance: (Trying to sound intimidating) Okay, that's it! Bring it!  
  
Anya: Oh, it's already been brought!  
  
(Anya and Tarrance begin catfighting on the floor)  
  
(Missy is laughing so hard, that she snorts. Everyone stares at her if she had just decided to become a nun)  
  
Missy: What? You've never snorted before? Besides, you're all such morons. (Sighs and rolls her eyes) Okay, Cliff, this is Xander. Xander, this is Cliff.  
  
Cliff: Xander?  
  
Xander: Cliff?  
  
Cliff and Xander: Dude!  
  
(Anya and Tarrance stop catfighting)  
  
Anya and Tarrance: Huh?  
  
Cliff: Cousin Xander!  
  
Xander: Hey, what's up?  
  
(They go to hug but decide against it when they see Missy lift one of her eyebrows. It wasn't "manly," so they shake hands instead)  
  
Xander: Wow, I haven't seen you for the longest time!  
  
Cliff: Not since our parents got into that fight on what beer brand was better.  
  
Xander: Dude, I still think it's Budweiser.  
  
Cliff: No way, it's so Heinikin! [Don't know if that's spelled right, by the way]  
  
Xander: No way!  
  
Cliff: Yes way!  
  
(They speak at the same time)  
  
Xander: (Whispers to Anya) I was always the brighter cousin.  
  
Cliff: (Whispers to Tarrance) I was always the brighter cousin.  
  
Angel: That's really funny.  
  
Cliff and Xander: Huh?  
  
Angel: You both say the same things and move the same way, yet you guys can't even agree what type of beer is better.  
  
Cliff and Xander: Huh?  
  
Missy: Don't even bother, brood boy. They wouldn't understand.  
  
Angel: Yeah, I guess you're...(Remembers what she called him) Hey! You better stop calling me brood boy!  
  
Missy: (Rolls her eyes) Fine.  
  
Xander: Hey, what happened to your snotty remarks?  
  
Missy: Don't need them. (She walks over to Xander and punches him in the ribs)  
  
Xander: Ow!!!!!!!!!!!! Mommy!  
  
Anya: Hey, what the hell is your problem?  
  
Missy: (Sarcastically) Awww, the girlfriend's standing up for him. How cute.  
  
Cliff: Hey, lighten up!  
  
Missy: (Angerly)Why the hell should I listen to you? You're not my real brother! You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time! Tarrance already knows. You can leave anytime.  
  
(Cliff looks at her in hurt)  
  
Missy: (Continues her speech) Like I'd ever have any real family! I hate you all!  
  
Cliff: Missy, don't speak like that!  
  
Missy: (Angerly) Missy? Missy? Who the hell is she anyway? I'm Faith, I'll always be Faith! You can take me out of Sunnydale, you can take me out of L.A., you can put me back in high school and even give me pom poms, but you'll never change who I am!  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Kinda hits close to home, except for one thing. I'm a G-d! She's only a mere slayer! I'm pure evil! She's only semi evil! Hey, kinda like the Diet Pepsi of evil. Just one calorie, not quite evil enough! Hey, where have I heard that before, anyway? Aw well, don't care. That line is now mine!  
  
(She chuckles outloud)  
  
Angel: (Suspiciously) Hey, what's so funny?  
  
Courtney: (Caught off her guard) Um... well, um, bunnies!  
  
Anya: (Very offended) Hey, that's nothing to laugh about!  
  
Courtney: (Decides to have a little fun) Oh, but it was sooo funny! Hundreds and hundreds of bunnies, all surrounding us, and they all were, so, um, fluffy!  
  
(Anya huddles in the corner)  
  
Anya: (Stutters) Ststop ththat, it's not funny!  
  
Courtney: (Enjoying the pain she is inflicting) They all have these sharp teeth, and are munching on all of their carrots!  
  
Anya: (Very upset) Xander make her stop!  
  
Xander: Hey blondie, cut the crap!  
  
Courtney: Or what? You going to attack a poor, defenseless cheerleader?  
  
(Missy pins her to the wall)  
  
Missy: He won't, but I will!  
  
(She punches Courtney out)  
  
Anya: (Gets out of corner and is all cheerful again. She punches the air) Take that, evil cheerleader!  
  
Xander: Um honey, you weren't the one who knocked her out.  
  
Anya: (Smiles) Oh yeah.  
  
Tarrance: Hey, why are you always knocking out people, anyway?  
  
Missy: Dunno. Just a habbit, I guess.  
  
Cliff: (Stutters) Hey, Miss... um, I mean slayer, wait no, I mean Faith, I mean...  
  
Missy: Spit it out already!  
  
Cliff: (Turns red, but not from embarrasment) [oooooh, you made Cliff mad...] You know what, (does little quote things with his fingers) "Faith?" This is bullshit! I'm so sick and tired of taking care of you! You know, I really did think of you as a little sister. No, stratch that. Missy is like the little sister I never had. Faith, Faith is the lonely mess you were bitching about before. And you want to know something? Your toughness is just an act to cover up your insecurities. And if you want to live a lonely life in the darkness doing harm to others, then go ahead, but if you want friends, if you want to be loved, cut this "Faith" crap out and be Missy!  
  
Missy: (Furious at Cliff) Hey, it's none of your G-d damn business how the hell I live my life!  
  
Cliff: That's where you're wrong! Missy is practically my little sister, and I want her back!  
Missy: That's bullshit! The only reason why you even know me is because Angel forced you to take care of me! He made you into a half demon just so little Faith wouldn't hurt anyone. Well, I have feelings, believe it or not, and I know that the only reason we're even having this conversation is because you're obligated to watch me until I die.  
  
Cliff: Hey, I wasn't...  
  
Missy: Yeah, what? You were born half demon?  
  
(Xander looks at Cliff with a petrified expression on his face)  
  
Xander: (Panicked) You don't mean to tell me that our family is part demon, do you?  
  
Anya: Ooooh, wouldn't that be neat?  
  
Xander: (Gulps) Sure, real neat...  
  
Cliff: No, I wasn't born this way, but Angel didn't...  
  
(Missy cuts him off)  
  
Missy: And Tarrance, weren't you disgusted and dissapointed when you found out that I had dropped out of high school, that I been to jail, that I had killed someone innocent?  
  
Tarrance: (Pissed off at Missy's assumption) Hey, how the hell could you know what I was thinking? I don't care that you dropped out of high school and had been to jail, I don't freaking care! I just want Missy back!  
  
Missy: (Walks over to Tarrance) Yeah? Well if you want her, bring it!  
  
Tarrance and Cliff: What?  
  
Missy: Yeah, that's right, bring it!  
  
Xander: Hey, is it your time of the month or something, cause you are not acting very pleasant.  
  
(Missy glares at him with daggers in her eyes)  
  
Xander: (Nervously) Um, just kidding. My ribs are still sore from the last time.  
  
Willow: And my arms are so numb, I can't even feel them! Would someone mind helping me hold him or better yet, carry him to a couch or bed? He's heavy for such a thin guy!  
  
Dawn: (Smug smile on her face) Muscles weigh more than fat.  
  
(Willow and Xander stare at her in shock)  
  
Dawn: What, it's true!  
  
Willow: (Ignoring Dawn's comment) Xander, you hold Spike. Anya, you help him!  
  
Anya: (Relieved to get away from Courtney) [even though she's unconcious, but that's not the point] Okay.  
  
Willow: Come on Dawn.  
  
Dawn: But the fight was just getting interesting!  
  
Willow: (Slightly angery at Dawn) I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!  
  
Dawn: (Folds her arms and stomps her foot) NO!  
  
Willow: (A smug smile forms on her face) Okay, then I guess Spike will just have to be dragged on the floor if you refuse to help. I can't help, my arms are too numb.  
  
Dawn: (A little too enthusisastic) You mean, I can help carry him? Yeah!  
  
(She grabs one of his arms [which really wasn't too helpful, I might add], Anya the other one, and Xander grabs his legs. Willow follows them, and they walk out of the room to find his bed) [oh I wonder what they'll find there, cough, cough :)]  
  
(Back to their arguement...)  
  
Tarrance: Missy, I'm not going to fight you!  
  
Missy: (Patronizing voice) And why not? Too scared?  
  
Tarrance: No, because that's something friends don't do to each other!  
  
Cliff: Missy, we're all friends here. At least, me and Tarrance are your friends.  
  
Angel: Tarrance and I.  
  
Cliff: (Rolls his eyes) Bite me. (Realizes he just said that to a vampire) Not literally!  
  
Angel: Don't worry, never had much of a taste for demon.  
  
Cliff: (Sighs) Whew, that's a relief!  
  
Missy: (Patronizes Cliff) See Cliff, you're all terrified of the big, bad vampire! That's why you're watching me! Angel knew he couldn't keep me in prison, so he sent a guard instead. who he conviently turned into a demon!  
  
Angel: Half.  
  
Missy: Whatever.  
  
Cliff': Missy, that's where you're wrong!  
  
Missy: And another thing...(realizes what he just said) huh?!?  
  
Cliff: Angel didn't force me to become half demon!  
  
Missy and Tarrance: Huh?  
Angel: Cliff, it's time you told them.  
  
(Angel continues to stare into space and think)  
  
Missy: (Very annoyed) Tell us WHAT?  
  
Cliff: I became half demon to save your life, okay?  
  
Missy: (Complete shock) What?  
  
Cliff: When you were on the run from jail, you got into an accident. A car crash. You don't remember because you went into another coma, one you could wake up from unless you got blood fast.  
  
Missy: I don't remember that!  
  
Cliff: No, of course you don't. It was a coma! Anyway, you were going to die, since you lost a lot of blood and had had a coma before.  
  
Missy: (Shocked) I, I don't understand...(Snaps out of her shock) And what the hell did you have to do with any of this?  
  
Cliff: (He becomes near hysteria) I was the one who had crashed into you! I felt terrible! No worse, I felt like I deserved to die. I decided to watch you in the hospital, praying with all my heart you woke up. While I waited, I saw this man enter the room. He wore all black. He was your only visitor. He looked sad.  
  
Missy: (Touched) He did?  
  
Cliff: Yeah. When he saw me, his face, it changed into something evil. I thought that I was about to die, and was glad. I deserved to die! I had crashed into you because I was drunk from a party!  
  
(Missy and Tarrance look at him in shock)  
  
Cliff: When, when he pinned me the wall, he asked me how I felt. I said I hated myself. He told me that guilt was more torturious than death, and that he knew a way to save my soul from it. I told him I'd do anything to save you. He said that you needed blood. I thought no problem, I had done blood drives before. But you needed a lot more than a little. You needed half the blood in my body.  
  
Tarrance: (Dread in her voice) Oh G-d!  
  
Cliff: Angel, he told me that loosing half my blood would kill me and the only way for me to live was to become half demon. I knew what I had to do. He did this spell to save her life and to make me half demon. I'm not sure exactly what happened. All I know is that my left wrist was slit and blood was pouring out. Then I collapsed and everything went black. When I woke up, Angel told me that I had done my part and that you'd live. However, I still felt guilty. Incredibly guilty. I wanted to do more for you. I said I'd do anything to help you. Yes, I was afraid of him. He had just killed half of me, and even though I wanted him to, it's scary, knowing someone could do that to you.-  
  
(Missy nodded her head in understanding)  
  
Cliff: He told me that you would have to go back to jail, and that he didn't want that to happen. I asked him if I watched you, would you be able to stay out of jail. He said that he thought a guardian was exactly what you needed. But I had to swear never to leave you, unless you or I was killed, or if you became uncontrolable and I had to bring to jail.  
  
(A tear falls down Missy's cheek.Words can't describe how she feels, and she hugs him)  
  
(Angel and Tarrance smile)  
  
Missy: I, I'm so sorry.  
  
Cliff: I always wanted to help you. But then I got to know you, and you became my best friend.  
  
(Missy begins to cry)  
  
(Just then, the door bursts open and Cordelia and Buffy are standing in the doorway)  
  
Buffy: Who are you guys?  



	13. The Truth Can Be a Painful Bite In the A...

Scene 18: The Truth Can Be a Painful Bite In the Ass.  
  
(Buffy and Cordelia have just entered the house. Buffy doen't recognize the girl hugging the guy that seems to look like Xander. Angel blends in with the shadows, so she doesn't see him. She doesn't look in the area Courtney is unconcious in. She just sees Tarrance, Cliff, and Faith)  
  
Buffy: Who are you guys?  
  
(No one answers. No one even notices her)  
  
Buffy: (A little rudely) Hello, anyone there?  
  
(Still no one answers. She taps Cordelia gently on the shoulder. However, Cordelia doesn't respond, since the tap was very gentle and she didn't notice it)  
  
Buffy: (Thinks to herself) Oh my G-d, what the hell's going on here? Why are these strange people in Spike's crypt? Why is no one responding to me? Did time freeze, or am I invisible?  
  
Missy: (Smirks in Cliff's arms) Why so sullen, Buffy? Actually witnessing something not having to do with you?  
  
(Buffy and Cordelia gasp from surprise)  
  
Missy: (Sarcastically) Oh, sorry to have frigthened you.  
  
Buffy: (Taken by complete surprise) F, Faith?  
  
Missy: So what do you think, Buffy? Surprised that I'm here? Surprised that no one's upset to see me?  
  
Buffy: (Mutters) No, just surprised.  
  
(Angel looks up from the floor. He realizes that Cordelia and Buffy have arrived, and is slightly surprised) Cordy?  
  
Buffy: Angel, you're here?!? In Spike's crypt?  
  
Angel: Well, the last time I checked, yeah.  
  
Buffy: (Slightly annoyed) May I ask why?  
  
Angel: (Small sneer on his face) Because it was the only place with enough room and that doesn't cost.  
  
Buffy: (Slightly embarrased) Oh.  
  
(Suddenly, there is a huge crash from Spike's room)  
  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, what the hell was that?  
  
Cordelia: Sounded like it came from over there. (She points to Spike's room)  
  
Buffy: Crap!  
  
(She runs out of the room to where the sound came from)  
  
Tarrance: Sheesh, what's her deal?  
  
Missy: (Sneers) Puppy problems.  
  
(Cordelia continues to stand in the doorway holding Connor, feeling very awkward)  
  
Missy: Hey, why don't you join the party?  
  
Cordelia: There's a party?  
  
Angel: Cordelia, Missy was just welcomig you to sit down.  
  
Cordelia: (Slighty embarrased) Oh.  
  
(She goes to a chair in the corner, but then decides to be a little more brave and heads to the couch Angel is sitting on)  
  
Back in Spike's room a few minutes ago...  
  
(Anya, Dawn, and Xander are carrying Spike while Willow follows. They are shocked as to what they see)  
  
Willow: Candles?  
  
Anya: Incents?  
  
Xander: Chains?!?  
  
Dawn: It looks like Spike's been...  
  
(Willow cuts her off)  
  
Willow: Redecorating! Yeah, that's it, redecorating his crypt!  
  
Anya: Oh, I don't think so. I think he's been getting some...  
  
(Xander covers her mouth)  
  
Anya: Hmphrg!  
  
Xander: Help, he must be getting some help redecorating.  
  
Dawn: Guys, I'm not stupid. I do know about these things. He's having sex.  
  
Willow: No, Dawnie, I'm sure he's redecorating.  
  
(Xander gives her a dirty look, saying that he wants her to drop the act)  
  
Xander: Willow, I trust Dawn. Dawn, can you keep a secret?  
  
Dawn: (Rolls her eyes) Yeah, sure.  
  
Xander: Okay, Spike has been mastrubating.  
  
(Willow and Anya look at him in shock. Dawn lifts one of her eyebrows, seriously doubting him)  
  
Willow: Let's not jump to conclusions. Maybe he met a nice demon or vampire in a bar or something.  
  
Anya: Nice demon? In a bar? Honey, between all of us and Angel, we know every nice evil creature out there.  
  
Xander: No, I saw him mastrubating!  
  
Dawn: (A little too eagerly) Really?!?  
  
(Willow and Xander look ather in shock)  
  
Dawn: What, can't a girl fantisize?  
  
(Willow's jaw drops open)  
  
Xander: No, I saw him. Humping the bed. He said he was exercising, but I know better.  
  
(Thinks to himself) Had a share of those days in high school.  
  
Willow: (Covers her mouth) O, oh my. We shouln't be telling Dawn this!  
  
Dawn: And why not?  
  
Willow: Because, you're only 15 and are very impressionable. Besides, Buffy will flip when she finds out.  
  
Dawn: What, that Spike is mastrubating?  
  
(Willow blushes)  
  
Willow: No, because we're telling you this!  
  
Dawn: Listen Willow, it's no biggie. I've had my own share of ma...  
  
(Willow looks at her like she's about to faint)  
  
Dawn: (Thinks of a quick save) Um, many stories about it that have nothing to do with me.  
  
(Willow sighs in relief)  
  
Willow: Good!  
  
(Dawn also sighs in relief)  
  
Anya: Um, could we discuss this after we put Spike down? My arms are sore from holding him for so long!  
  
(Xander, Anya, and Dawn drag him to the bed) [yes drag] (Xander plops him down on it)  
  
Xander: Now normally I'd love to rub his face into it, but it's so sad, that I think it'd be better if we didn't say anything about his secret.  
  
Willow: Yeah, that would crush him.  
  
Anya: Oh, my Xander is so thoughtful. (She runs over to him and hugs him. She also pinches his ass, but he pushes her hand away and mutters "not now")  
  
(However, Dawn is not conviced. Why would a guy as hot as Spike have to masturbate?)  
  
Dawn: Um, just when did you see him "masturbating," Xander?  
  
Xander: Hmmm, I have to think. Oh yeah, I was looking for Buffy. I thought Spike might have seen her.  
  
(Dawn puts her hand on her mouth. She starts to giggle)  
  
Willow: What's so funny, Dawnie?  
  
Anya: Yes, please share the humorous thought and/or joke you were thinking of while my Xander was also thinking.  
  
Dawn: (Lies) Oh, nothing. A fuzzy tickled my nose.  
  
(Thinks to herself) I'm not the only Summer's who's getting tickled. Better confirm it, though.  
  
Daen: Hey Xander, do you remember the exact day it happened?  
  
Willow: Dawnie!  
  
Dawn: (In a sweet voice) Just trying to be a good detective.  
  
Xander: Wait, I know this. It was when Buffy was invisible. Of course, we couldn't find her, so I decided checking with Spike wouldn't hurt.  
  
(Dawn giggles again)  
  
Dawn: Oh, another fuzzy.  
  
Dawn: (Thinks to herself) Oh my G-d, no wonder why Buffy's always rushing to get away from us and the house. Honestly, can't blame her. What I wouldn't give to be in her shoes. If I was her, I would forget about me too! However, that doesn't mean I'm not going to use blackmail on her!  
  
(In the meantime, Anya begins to push Xander into Spike's dresser. Xander doesn't want to make out in front of Willow and Dawn [or Spike, even if he's unconcious] and gently shoves her. However, she doesn't get the hint and pushes Xander a little too forcefully, knocking Spike's entire dresser and causing the crash heard by Buffy. This is the point of the story when Buffy heard the crash and ran from the other room)  
  
Anya: Uh oh. Xander, do you think he'll notice?  
  
Xander: Let's just say, his chip is the only thing we got going for our survival.  
  
Anya: (Missing the point entirely) Oh, ok, as long as he doesn't mind.  
  
(Dawn sees the stuff all on the floor. She glances at it to see what Spike's been hiding. Then she sees it. A pair of very familar looking underwear. She quickly grabs it and hides it behind her back before Xander sees it)  
  
(Buffy barges throught the door)  
  
Buffy: (Panicked voice) Spike, are you okay?  
  
Xander and Willow: Spike's fine.  
  
Willow: And so are we. Thank you for asking.  
  
(Dawn smirks)  
  
Buffy: (Completly ignores Willow's sarcasm) Okay, if everyone's okay...  
  
(She sees the mess on the floor)  
  
Buffy: Oh no, not the dresser!  
  
Xander: What?  
  
Buffy: You mean, you don't know?  
  
Willow: Know what?  
  
Buffy: (Tries to make a quick save) Oh..., nothing, just can't stand messes.  
  
Dawn: (Mutters to herself) Or other people finding yours.  
  
Xander: Well, I suggest we scadadle before bleech boy wakes up.  
  
Dawn: Hey, we can't just leave him here alone with strangers, a slayer we don't really trust and a vampire who probally wants to gut him like a fish.  
  
Xander: Oh yes we can!  
  
Dawn: (Smiles smuggly) Hey, why don't I stay here with Buffy? She could protect me from all the evil things in the world and we could catch up on sisterly stuff.  
  
Willow: I guess so. It's up to Buffy.  
  
Buffy: (Unsure of what she wants to do) Well...  
  
Dawn: (Fakes sad face and uses heavy sarcasm) Oh please, it would be ever so much fun.  
  
Buffy: (Sound hesitant) Well, alright, if that's what you really want.  
  
(Xander, Anya, and Willow leave the room. Xander tells Willow and Anya to leave without him, for he wants to catch up with his cousin, and that he'll be safe from "Spike's wrath." Willow nods in understanding and drags Anya out. Xander goes to the living room)  
  
Xander: (Sarcastically) Hey guys, you all look like you're having a good time. Hey, can I join in on this fun?  
  
Missy: Sure.  
  
Cliff: You can sit with us on the couch, grab that chair from the corner, or sit next to the unconcious Courtney.  
  
Xander: Um, the couch is fine.  
  
(He joins Missy and Cliff on the couch)  
  
(Back in Spike's room)  
  
Buffy: (Not knowing what to say) So...  
  
Dawn: So.  
  
Buffy: So, um, how's school?  
  
(She stares at the ceiling)  
  
Dawn: (With an attitude) I'm failing all my classes and decided to join a gang. We smoke po...(remembers what happended to her before and feels uncomfortable saying it) um, we sniff coke, we shoot heroine, the works. I got a tattoo, a tounge and bellybutton ring, and have been cutting classes. Oh yeah, I'm a Communist.  
  
(She smiles, for she knows Buffy hasn't been paying attention. Buffy notices the silence and turns to her)  
  
Buffy: I'm sorry, did you say something?  
  
Dawn: (Laughs) Never mind Buffy, school's just fine.  
  
Buffy: Good, good.  
  
(Awkward silence)  
  
Dawn: Okay Buffy, let's cut to the chase. The silence is getting on my nerves.  
  
Buffy: Um, okay Dawnie.  
  
Dawn: I hate you! I know you don't give a shit about me and the only reason I'm still living with you is so you can prove to dad that you're a responsible adult.  
  
Buffy: (In complete shock) Wh, what???  
  
Dawn: You suck as a parent, Buffy! I never see you anymore. I've been having potato chips for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because there's no other food left in the house. We have no money for food, anyway, and the electricity is going to be taken away any day now. All the good jobs are for 16 year olds and up, so I'm not much help in that department.  
  
Buffy: (Still in complete shock) Wh, what?  
  
Dawn: (Smiles smuggly) And I know your secret.  
  
Buffy: Dawnie, I...(realizes what Dawn means by her secret) My secret?  
  
(Dawn shows Buffy the pair of underwear she was hiding behind her back)  
  
Buffy: (Begins freaking out) Oh my G-d, where did you find those?  
  
Dawn: When the dresser fell, these came a tumbling down with it.  
  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, do the others know? Do they hate me?  
  
Dawn: No, not yet. The only one who knows and hates you is me. Oh yeah, I'm going to blackmail you.  
  
(By now, Buffy is so stunned, she can't think of anything to say and is speechless) [wow, a first!]  
  
Dawn: Okay, here's the deal: I don't tell anyone, and you let me sleep over at my friends' houses whenever I feel like it, let me get a small tattooand my bellybutton pierced, and get a job and give me half the money to spend on whatever I want. The other half can go to the bills and food. You don't need clothes, since you're not even wearing them half the time anyway.  
  
(By now, Buffy has became less stunned and more angry. As a matter of fact, she's enraged and slaps Dawn in the face with her slayer strength. Dawn's face now contains a very red handmark)  
  
Dawn: (Crys from the pain) Ow, that really hurts! G-d Buffy, I knew you had issues, but I didn't know you were psyco!  
  
(Buffy's still enraged, and slaps Dawn on her other cheek even harder)  
  
(Dawn's eyes are tearing, but she doesn't cry. She glares at Buffy with hate in her eyes. Buffy has become out of control, and starts knocking Spike's belongings on the floor. Another dresser crashes, and nearly falls on Spike)  
  
Dawn: Buffy, are you fucking insane? You almost killed Spike!  
  
Buffy: (Talks in an old lady voice) Don't you dare talk like that to me young lady!  
  
Dawn: Wow, you really have lost it. I've always wanted to do this, anyway.  
  
(She pushes Buffy away from her into the doorway and jumps on top of her. She begins pulling Buff's hair. Buffy tries to choke her, but Dawn manages to bite her before she gets the chance)  
  
Back in the living room a few minutes ago...  
  
Xander: So Cliff, how are things?  
  
Cliff: Not bad, considering. You?  
  
Xander: Eh, ok. Oh, I'm getting married.  
  
Cliff: That's great!  
  
Tarrance: You nervous?  
  
Xander: Honestly?  
  
Missy: (Rolls her eyes) No, lie to us!  
  
Cliff: Hey Missy, be nice! He's my cousin after all.  
  
Missy: (Sighs) Fine.  
  
Xander: I'm petrfied!  
  
Cliff: Dude, I would be too. I think what you need is a bachelor party, you know, to ease the stress.  
  
Missy: In other words Xander, he's saying you need booze and a ho to get your mind off your girlfriend.  
  
Xander: Fiancee.  
  
Faith: Whatever.  
  
Angel: Put so beautifully in the words of Missy.  
  
Cliff: I'm truely touched. Tear, sniffle, tear.  
  
Missy: Hey, I can be as sensitive as the next person!  
  
Cliff: (Looks at her in disbelief) Uh huh...  
  
Missy: I can!  
  
Cliff: (Slyly smirks) Okay, you want to prove it?  
  
Missy: Sure, I'm up for anything.  
  
Cliff: If you can not make one snide remark, not make anyone cry, not beat up anyone, and actually do something beneficial to the community for a full 24 hours, I'll give you the car.  
  
Tarrance: You mean your BMW?  
  
Angel: Man, he loves that car more than anythng.  
  
Xander: You own a BMW? And you didn't tell me? Man, some cousin you are!  
  
Cliff: Yes, my BMW. My baby. My little pookie wookie.  
  
Tarrance: Hey, I thought I was you pookie wookie?  
  
Cordelia: (Thinks to herself) I wish I was Angel's pookie wookie!  
  
Cliff: No sweetie, you're my honey bear.  
  
Tarrance: Oh yeah.  
  
(Missy snorts)  
  
(Everyone stares at her again)  
  
Missy: What, I think pet names are ridiculous! Pookie wookie? Honey bear? Think I'm going to gag!  
  
(Courtney begins to moan in her corner)  
  
Missy: See, they even disgust Courtney!  
  
Tarrance: (Says in a very "joking manner") Jealous much?  
  
(Missy doesn't say anything)  
  
(Tarrance realizes that she managed to upset her best friend and doesn't say anything else)  
  
Cliff: So Missy, you on?  
  
Missy: Well, it all depends. What do you get if I lose?  
  
Cliff: Feeling unconfident?  
  
Missy: No, just wanting to be safe.  
  
Angel: You wanting to be safe?  
  
Missy: Okay, point taken. I just don't want to be ripped off.  
  
Tarrance: How could you be ripped off? You know how much money that BMW is worth?  
  
Cliff: If you lose, I want you to do whatever I want for 24 hours.  
  
Tarrance: So wait, is this the 48 hours of torture plan?  
  
Cliff: More like the 48 hours of laugh at my little sister like an ass plan.  
  
Missy: I'll be the one who's laughing when I win that car!  
  
Cliff: So, the deal is on?  
  
Missy: Yep! Starting now!  
  
(However, Cordelia hasn't been listening. She's been trying to build up the courage to tell Angel how she feels about them)  
  
Cordelia: Angel?  
  
Angel: Um, what is it?  
  
Cordelia: I, um, want to tell you something. It's really important. Please don't laugh at me.  
  
Angel: I would never laugh at you. Well, only if you decided to become a football player.  
  
Cordelia: (Laughs nervously at Angel's very poor attempt to be funny) Well, the truth is I...  
  
(They hear a loud crash) [When Buffy knocks another dresser down and the girls begin to fight]  
  
Angel: What's going on there?  
  
(He jumps off the couch and everyone follows him. He opens the door, only to see Dawn and Buffy attacking each other on the floor like a bunch of animals. Dawn is bleeding. Xander quickly pull Dawn away from Buffy and Angel quickly pulls Buffy away from Dawn)  
  
Xander: What the hell are you guys doing to each other?  
  
Okay, I promise to make the next scene funnier! Also, I WILL have Courtney and Spike wake up. Let's just say, the shit is going to hit the fans next scene. Oh yeah, IT WILL BE LONG. It might not be published until Friday night, not sure. Hopefully, I can get it written faster than that, but I have my doubts. It might even take until Saturday. I don't like to rush when writing these. Please don't think I'm no longer updating or lose interest! 


	14. M.P.D. and good old fashioned P.M.S.

Scene 19: M.P.D. and some good old fashioned P.M.S.  
  
Okay, I swear, lots of Courtney next scene. And some revenge will happen. It's just that I wanted to explain the fight. I still want this to be a comedy, though. Next scene, I promise! For real this time! Don't know how long it will be, just be prepared for a surprise!  
  
(Xander has just pulled off Dawn off of Buffy and Angel has just pulled Buffy off of Dawn. Spike and Courtney are still unconcious. Everyone except Courtney is in Spike's room)  
  
Xander: What the hell are you guys doing to each other?  
  
Dawn: (In a very fake sounding innocent voice) I was sitting here minding my own business, when this complete monster bitch attacked me!  
  
Xander: (Angerly) Dawn, watch your language!  
  
Buffy: (In complete confusion)Wh, what happened?  
  
Dawn: Don't act like you don't know, you stupid bitch!  
  
(Buffy sees the blood on Dawn's face)  
  
Buffy: (Very concerned) Oh my G-d, what happened to you? Dawn, Dawnie, we have to get you to a hospital, or some band-aids. Anyone got a band-aid?  
  
Cliff: Sure, what kind? Dalmations or polka dots?  
  
Buffy: (Looks at Cliff as if he's very strange)Um, polka dots are fine.  
  
Missy: Leave it up to my brother to have polka dotted band-aids. You're such a fu....  
  
(Tarrance shakes her head)  
  
Tarrance: (Big grin on her face) Uh ah Missy, you gotta be nice.  
  
Cliff: Nah, she can't handle it. Might as well start washing my car right now. Oh, and don't scrub too hard. It might dent it.  
  
Missy: (Determined look on her face)No, no, Missy doesn't give up! That car will be washed, but not by me! And then I'm taking it to Vegas. Besides, I was going to say you're such a fun loving guy.  
  
Cliff: Sure...(He give Buffy the polka dotted band-aid)  
  
Dawn: Oh hell no, I ain't wearing no freaking polka dots, even if it is just a band-aid!  
  
Buffy: (Very angerly) Hey, watch that big mouth of yours, or else you'll be covered from head to toe with those band-aids!  
  
(Xander, Angel, and Cordelia look at her in shock)  
  
Angel: Buffy, you have to calm down.  
  
Xander: I know Dawn's being very disrespectful to you as a parent, but there's no need to resort to violence!  
  
(Buffy kicks Xander in the gut)  
  
(Xander clutches his gut in pain)  
  
Xander: Ow! Say, what's wrong with you guys? Leave me alone, all of you!  
  
Dawn: (In a very bratty voice) See what the monster she is?  
  
(Buffy coversher ears and sits on the floor. She begins to cry)  
  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, I'm such a bad friend, Xander. I'm so sorry. Nothing I ever do is right! (She walks over to Spike)  
  
Buffy: Did I do this to him?  
  
(Before Xander can answer, Dawn interrupts him)  
  
Dawn: Yeah, it was all you! You're disaster, Buffy, and now I'm going to tell your secret!  
  
(Buffy crys even harder)  
  
Buffy: See, even my kid sister hates me! I can never do anything right! I came back all wrong!  
  
(They hear a groan from the bed)  
  
Dawn: Spike? Is that you?  
  
(Hears another groan)  
  
Dawn: (Big smile on her face) Spike, are you okay? I was so worried.  
  
Angel: You were? Why?  
  
(Buffy covers her ears)  
  
Buffy: (Very angerly) Will all of you shut up before I kill you all?  
  
(Cordelia gasps)  
  
Buffy: What's wrong, Cordelia? Is it something I did? I'm such a mess. I never do anything right! (Begins to cry)  
  
Dawn: (Very sweetly) Buffy, you know that's not true. (She wraps an arm around Buffy) Listen, I'm sure you'll find a job soon. We'll be fine.  
  
Buffy: (Through tears) But you hate me!  
  
Dawn: (Looks at her in complete shock) No, I never said that!  
  
Buffy: But I'm such a bad girl! (She closes her eyes and clutches her hair) I'm so bad!  
  
(she lays down and begins muttering to herself)  
  
(By now, everyone is looking at them in complete confusion)  
  
Missy: What's up with you guys? One moment you're ready to kill each other and the next, you're crying and being nice to each other. Are you guys on drugs?  
  
(Tarrance and Cliff look at her in bewilderment)  
  
Missy: What? That's what drugs do to you!  
  
Cordelia: Is it a spell doing this to them?  
  
Angel: You didn't have a vision about it?  
  
Cordelia: (Shocked) No, I didn't. I guess it's not supernatural.  
  
(However, Xander has some sort of an idea what's going on)  
  
Xander: Dawn, do you remember what happpened before?  
  
Dawn: Huh? I remember Cordelia picking up Connor, I remember Spike saving me, I remember yelling at you guys, I remember coming here, I remember threatening to blackmail Buffy, I remember calling her a monster, and then, I remember fighting her.  
  
(Everyone looks at her with disapointment in their eyes) [yes, even Missy!]  
  
(Begins to whine) It's just that, you all hate me, so I have to hate you! How else am I going to get attention around here? I kept on thinking that if you guys hated Buffy, you'd pay attention to me! And it hasn't been since she came back from the dead! Ever since mom and dad divorced, it's always been about Buffy!  
  
Xander: Dawn, you know we all care about you...  
  
Dawn: (Angerly) No, I've realized that we all don't really give a crap about each other! We're all so self involved. All you and Anya think about is your wedding. Willow only thinks about quitting her stupid magic addiction. Tara and Giles left, since it was too "inconvienient" for them to stay here. And as for the rest of you guys, you're in your own selfish little worlds. I don't even know what goes on in Buffy's head!  
  
(No one says anything. Xander looks at the floor)  
  
(However, Missy can no longer keep her mouth shut)  
  
Missy: You know, for someone who says that they're getting ignored, you certainly get a lot of attention! And how dare you talk about others being selfish when you're the most selfish brat I ever met? And that whole "being nice to your sister thing before," did you even mean it?  
  
Dawn: (Angerly) Of course I did! I, I'm not stupid! It's not only me who's being ignored by you guys. I dunno, I felt bad for her. I realize that she's lonely too. And that's never a good thing. I think the only thing worse than your own loneliness is seeing someone else that's lonely.(Realizes that Missy was right) (A little more quietly) I guess I was just too selfish before to realize it.  
  
Missy: Whatever. Angel, it looks like all you guys have dealing to do. I'm out of here.  
  
(She exits the room)  
  
Tarrance: Missy, wait up!  
  
(Tarrance exits the room)  
  
Clifff: Listen Xander, I realize you guys have some issues to talk about so I'm going to catch up with Tarrance and Missy. Angel, you probally don't want us to leave yet, and honestly, I want to spend some time with Xander.  
  
Xander: Thanks!  
  
Cliff: I mean, it's not every day your identical cousin gets married, now is it? I'll make sure the girls don't leave. We'll just wait in the living room.  
  
(Cliff exits the room)  
  
(Spike groans again)  
  
Dawn: Xander, do you think Spike's going to be alright?  
  
Xander: Honestly, I don't really care about him right now. My first priority is seeing that your sister is okay, then the dead vampire over there.  
  
Dawn: (Angerly) Why?  
  
Xander: Because she's Buffy, my best friend, and your sister.  
  
Angel: Xander's right, Dawn. We have to help Buffy first.  
  
Dawn: (Almost paranoid) What if I needed help? Would you help me?  
  
Xander: Of course, Dawn. Don't even ask such a silly question. But you don't need our help right now. What you need is some friends and some self confidence.  
  
(Dawn folds her arms and storms out of the room)  
  
Angel: Um Xander, what do we do about the, um, little girl?  
  
Xander: Cliff will cheer her up. He's good at that.  
  
Cordelia: Maybe I could go talk to her. I could try.  
  
Angel: That may be a good idea. Talking to people she doesn't too well may actually be helpful for her.  
  
(Cordelia leaves, glad to be useful and to have gotten a compliment from Angel.  
  
(Xander lifts Buffy to a sitting position)  
  
Xander: Buffy? What do you remember?  
  
Buffy: (Dazed out expression on her face) Eveything. From the piercing light to the pitch black darkness. The smoke. The destruction. All of you, you all were watching the destruction, the madness. You all were watching it in you fluffy clouds, leaving me alone! But none of you wanted to come down and help me. I wasn't a part of the clouds, I was stuck on the ground alone.  
  
Buffy: (Angerly) Shut up! You're weak! And besides, you're above them. You're the slayer. You don't take crap from anyone!  
  
Buffy: (Very worried) Wait, what if Dawn needs a snack? I have to be in there in case Dawn needs a snack. And what if they find out?  
  
Buffy: (Begins to cry) What? That I'm a bad person?  
  
Buffy: (Dazed expression) The clouds were so far away, except for one. The cloud of darkness. and sin. I climbed on. I was so lonely, isn't feeling pain better than feeling nothing?  
  
Buffy: (Very angerly) Shut up all of you! I hate you all. I'm going to kill you!  
  
(She grabs a stake. She lifts it over her chest when Angel grabs it out of her hands. Xander grabs her arms)  
  
Buffy: (Angerly) Get the hell off of me, you bastard!  
  
Xander: What's wrong with her?  
  
Angel: (Guiltily) I think I've seen it before. It, it's happened to people I tortured as Angelus. Drusilla suffered a slight case of it. I think Buffy has it too.  
  
Xander: What?  
  
Angel: Multiple Personality Disorder.  
  
Xander: Huh?  
  
Buffy: (Very worried) Do, do you think they know? Know my secret? Shhh, don't tell anyone.  
  
Xander: What secret?  
  
Angel: Never mind.  
  
Xander: How exactly do you get M.P.D.?  
  
Angel: One way: Abuse. Serious abuse. (Glares at Spike) Usually from childhood, but it doesn't have to be.  
  
Xander: And what was wrong with Dawn?  
  
Angel: 3 letters. P.M.S. Literally. Girls can be SERIOUS bitches at that time of the month. Also, teenage hormones.  
  
Xander: I don't think I'm the only one here who says, ew!  
  
(Looks around the room)  
  
Xander: Well maybe I am the only one, but that's not the point! Anyway, what do we do? I've heard that people with M.P.D. go to psyciotrists. Should we find her one?  
  
Spike: (Mutters from pain) Not the problem. The god, the god, the god...  
  
(However, they don't hear him)  
  
Xander: Besides, what kind of abuse could Buffy have gone through? Was it because she had to dig out of her own grave.  
  
Angel: (not really listening) Um, yeah. Take Buffy to someone who can help her. Bring the others, just in case you run into trouble, Fai... I mean Missy will be an asset. Don't bring Connor with you, though. I don't want him to catch a cold. Oh, and make sure someone stays with him.  
  
Xander: (Sarcastically) No, I was going to leave him alone on the couch with a psyco unconcious cheerleader waking up any second.  
  
Angel: (Ignoring Xander's sarcasm) Take care of Cordelia. You know what? Have Tarrance stay with Connor. I need to speak with her. It's important.  
  
Xander: (Too worried about Buffy to question Angel) Okay, we'll take her to the Sunnydale psyciatric center. Whoever did this to her, I'll kill them!  
  
(He exits the room. Telling the others his instructions, they leave, with the exception of Connor, Tarrance, and the baby.  
  
Angel: They're already dead.  
  
(He shakes Spike vigorously)  
  
Spike: (Groans in pain) What do you want?  
  
(Angel punches Spike)  
  
(Anegl changes into his demon face)  
  
Angel: (Furiously) Some answers and payback!  
  
In the living room  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) This is great! Soon, my plan will be complete. That spell was perfect, separating Buffy's personalities. And now that blond vampire loser is going to be blamed for it! I'm so good! I just have to continue laying here with my eyes closed (reaches for her cell phone) and soon everything will fall into place. If I can't control people with my god powers, I'll control them with my charisma, magic, and that cult that these humans call cheerleaders! 


	15. NOT the next chapter, but please read an...

Okay, before I say anything bad, I really want to thank the people who continue to review my story. I was never going to take it as far as I did, but your encouragement has really inspired me. Oh, and those of you who've corrected my poor excuse for spelling but then said something nice about my actual story, I thank you as well.  
Now, the reason I've really written this is because an anonymous author gave me the absolute worst review for this story that I have ever received. (I haven't beeen an author that long, and try my best not to put fanfic out there that's crap, but it does happen) Instinctively, I erased the review, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. I was really depressed [for about 10 minutes], and even thought about dropping the story. And believe me, I usually laugh at bad reviews, especially ones that simply correct my pathetic spelling. Let me tell you something: I can't spell for my life! And the word processor I have (did I even spell THAT right?) is no longer working, so I've been using wordpad, which is so primitive, it has NO spellcheck!  
Anyway, the reviewer told me that the story was a piece of crap, that I made Buffy way too stupid, and Dawn would never say those things. Oh yeah, I spelled "angrily" "angerly." So sue me! Anyway, it's just fanfiction! If I wanted Dawn to be a pro wrestler who hates children and carrots, then I would! In other words, if the charaters act a little differently in my story then on the show, it's my right as a fanfic author to do that! It's supposed to be fun story with a dash of angst, not a freaking biography of the characters! And I do think Dawn would say those things to her sister, even if she didn't really mean them! Honestly, I would! Buffy's been such a bitch season 6!  
  
That author who didn't even have the nerve to give me a signed review can kiss my ass! If you don't have anything nice to say, than don't say anything! To that anonymous mean reviewer (they did write a name, but I'll be nice and respect their right to privacy, therefore not mentioning it), honestly, you can go to hell! And take whatever crappy fanfic you have ever written with you!  
By the way, if you don't like the story, then don't continue reading it! But don't pull these PMS reviews.  
Have a nice day! :)  
Too bad THAT reviewer probally won't be reading this message!  
  
Now honestly, do you want me to continue my story? Say the truth, but in a nice, polite way. (Ex. Yes, I'm really curious as to what happens next, please continue!) or (No, I believe that your talent would be better distributed on another fanfic. It wasn't the greatest, but keep trying, and you'll get there). Okay, if it's positive, say it however the hell you want! :) 


	16. Part 1 of Dealing

Scene 20: Part 1 of Dealing  
  
(Back in Spike's bedroom, Angel is standing by the side of Spike's bed. He hasn't felt such loathing disgust toward someone since, well, since Riley!)  
  
(He shakes Spike vigorously)  
  
Spike: (Groans in pain) What do you want?  
  
(Angel punches Spike)  
  
(Angel changes into his demon face)  
  
Angel: (Furiously) Some answers and payback!  
  
Spike:(Very annoyed) I don't have any idea what you're talking about, and why the hell did you punch me?  
  
Angel: Oh don't pull that bullshit with me. I know what you did!  
  
Spike: (Completely lost) Huh? Ok, maybe I might have borrowed $20 from you, but I was going to pay it back. Well, ok, maybe I was going to spend it and then blame it all on a Ferora demon, but I would have spent it thinking of you.  
  
(Angel punches Spike again)  
  
Spike: (Pissed off) Okay, that's it, that's it! What the hell is your problem, Peaches? What, did you get happy again, is that it? Bloody hell, I haven't even done anything to you recently.  
  
(Before Angel can say anything, he hears someone scream his name from the living room)  
  
Spike: (Very pissed off) What the bloody hell is going on here? Hey, did you become Angelus and bring your sodding dinner over?  
  
(However, Angel has already left the room)  
  
Spike: (In a bored voice) Hmmm, he must have been hungry. Aw well, don't care.  
  
(He lays down in his bed for about a second, but then springs right back up again)  
  
Spike: (In a panicked voice) Wait, what if he ruins my stuff? Oh, bloody hell!  
  
(He runs out of the room)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) And I just had the crypt cleaned! Whew, what's that rancid smell? If he brought a skunk into my crypt as a prank, I WILL stake him, no matter what Buffy says!  
  
About 10 minutes ago in the living room:  
  
Tarrance: (Thinks to herself) This completely sucks! Why do I have to be the one who stays behind? Even the 15 year old got to go with them! Okay, sure I'm the one in the group with the least experience when it comes to fighting the forces of evil, but how hard could it be to bring a girl to the freaking hospital? I mean, now I'm stuck babysitting when I could be...(realizes that she wouldn't have been doing anything even if she had gone with them to drive Buffy to the hospital) okay, I would have just sat there in the awkward silence. But still, the principle of the thing!  
  
(Connor begins to cry)  
  
Tarrance: (Begins to panic and talk to herself) Tarr, don't panic! Okay, you've babysat before, you can do this. Baby, what do you want?  
  
(Connor continues to cry)  
  
Tarrance: (Realizes that Connor can't answer her) Oh crap, looks like I have to figure this out on my own! (She looks for the baby bag Angel left on the couch and grabs a bottle. She puts the bottle in Connor's mouth. He drinks it for a moment, and the crying stops. However, he cries even louder then before when he finishes the bottle)  
  
Tarrance: (Very tense) Oh no, now what? I've fed you! Are you sleepy?  
  
(Connor continues to cry)  
  
Tarrance: (Exhaustedly) Well, I don't know any lullibies, but I do know plenty of cheers!  
  
(She places the hysterical baby on the couch and lays him down. She grabs the pom poms next to Courtney [yes, their are pom poms there, okay!], and for a split second, she could have sworn she heard Courtney chuckling)  
  
Tarrance: (Thinks to herself) No, that's impossible. Unconcious people don't chuckle!  
  
Tarracne: (Perkily) Okay Connor, ready for a cheer?  
  
(He cries even louder)  
  
Tarrance: (Mutters to herself) Okay, I'll take that as a yes.  
  
(She lifts the pom poms up in the air and does a split. She then jumps up from that position and begins to make up a cheer to the son "Hey Mickey."  
  
Oh Connor you're so fine,  
  
you're so fine, I'll make you mine,  
  
hey Connor, hey, hey, hey Connor!  
  
Oh Connor, you're so weepy,  
  
please, please, become sleepy,  
  
hey Connor, hey, hey, hey Connor!  
  
(She begins to spell the letters of Connor's name with her pom poms)  
  
Give me a C, give me and O, give me a N, give me another N, give me an O, give me a R, what does that spell? Well, you probally have no idea, but it spells Connor!  
  
(Tarrance jumps up and down)  
  
(However, much to her dismay, the baby is still crying)  
  
Tarrance: (Whinning voice) Oh Connor, the cheer didn't work? Well, I give up! There's nothing left to do unless...(realizes the only other way to stop Connor's crying) No, no, I refuse! There is NO way I'm changing that diaper!  
  
(Connor's cries become even louder)  
  
Tarrance: (Whinning voice) Oh please Connor, couldn't you have been potty trained or used the diaper when your daddy was watchng you?  
  
(As if to answer her question, he begins to make little coughing sounds along with his crying)  
  
Tarrance: (Near tears) Great, just great, Tarrance. Now the baby is chocking! Oh crap, what do I do? (She can smell the stink coming from Connor's diapers and nearly coughs herself)  
  
Tarrance: (Talks to herself reassuringly) Okay Tarr, if you managed to have your cheerleading team place second at nationals, you can change a diaper!  
  
(She attempts to take off the diaper in one piece, but manages to rip it. She reaches for Angel's baby bag, and grabs the powder, diapers, and baby wipes)  
  
(As Tarrance attempts to change a baby diaper, Courtney has her own thoughts)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Ugh, that smell, it's so vile! I'm glad I don't have to change that diaper. One of the problems of humans: reproduction. Hmmm, maybe I can change that. I mean, once my plan is completed and I have taken over the world. (Realizes that humans die) But then there'd be no one left to worship me. Well, only demons and vampires, but I want to control those humans for eternity as well. Hmmm, maybe I'll just make babies diapers smell like roses and berries instead.  
  
(Tarrance has managed to remove the diaper from Connor, but is not sure what to do next)  
  
Tarrance: (Holding both baby powder and wipes) Oh no, do I use the powder or wipes first?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Yep, definitley glad to be me right now.  
  
Tarrance: (Panicky) Maybe I should use both at once, just to be safe.  
  
(She shakes the powder with her left hand and wipe Connor with her right hand, managing to make a larger mess then Anya made in Spike's bedroom)  
  
Tarrance: (In a whinning voice) Crap, now what? How the hell am I supposed to put on a new diaper with all this powder in the way? (Grabs a fresh, new diaper from the bag) And how do you work these things, anyway?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Maybe to get revenge on Tarrance, I'll have her be the official diaper changing lady!  
  
Tarrance: (Starts to pull her hair out of frustration) Okay, that's it! I can't take this anymore! What the hell am I gong to do? (All of a sudden remembers that Angel is still in the house)  
  
Tarrance: (Completely frustrated) Argh! If I had remembered his father was here, I would have asked for his help at the beginning and saved myself a lot of trouble! I guess that's what you call irony or something like that.  
  
(She screams out Angel's name as loud as she can)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Oh crap, he wasn't supposed to see me yet! He'll know that I'm not really unconcious! Oh crap!  
  
(Angel bursts into the room)  
  
Angel: (Very worried) What happened? Tarrance, are you and Connor alright?  
  
Tarrance: Well I don't know about him, but I know that I've been seriously traumatized!  
  
(Angel sees the mess Tarrance has made when attempting to change Connor and begins to chuckle)  
  
Tarrance: (Very annoyed) Hey, what's so funny?  
  
Angel: (Laughs as he speaks) The mess you made while changing him. How much powder did you use?  
  
Tarrance: (Hesitantly) Um, I might have sorta used half the bottle.  
  
(Angel cracks up)  
  
Angel: (Through tears of laughter) This is great, I couldn't have done more damage to his crypt myself.  
  
(As if on cue, Spike barges into the room)  
  
Spike: (Very angrily) Angelus, what the fuck did you do to MY CRYPT?  
  
Angel: Nothing, and that's the beauty of it.  
  
Spike: (In a very uncomforting, calm voice) Then who the bloody hell did this?  
  
Tarrance: (Panicking) Uh, um...  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Hmmm, that vampire looks familiar...  
  
Tarrance: (Makes up a quick excuse) Um, it was her! (She points in the direction of Courtney, and Courtney's thoughts are shattered)  
  
Courtney: (In complete shock) What?!?  
  
Tarrance: Um yeah, I saw her do it.  
  
Spike: (Completely furious. He glares at Courtney) You bitch! (Recognizes who she is and begins to growl) Glory!  
  
Courtney: (In a nervous voice) Hey Spike, long time no see, eh? Say, I really should be going, you know, have people to see, places to go, so I'll be off...  
  
(Spike grabs her arm)  
  
Spike: Not so fast. You're the bitch who tried to hurt Nibblit, killed my Buffy, and beat the crap out of me!  
  
Tarrance and Angel: WHAT?!?  
  
Angel: (In complete shock) This is the hell god buffy was fighting?  
  
Tarrance: For a god, you'd think she'd have more fashion sense!  
  
Courtney: (Very offended) Hey!  
  
Spike: (Ignoring their comments) But you crossed the line when you wreck a vampire's home with baby powder!  
  
Courtney: But it wasn't me!  
  
Spike: Save it!  
  
(He grabs her hair and drags her by it across the floor to his bedroom, where he also in my story happens to keep all of his weapons)  
  
Courtney: Ow, that hurts!  
  
Spike: Believe me, that will feel like nothing by the time I'm done with you! And even if for some strange reason my chip works on you since you obviously no longer have your god powers, I'll still inflict plenty of pain on you!  
  
(He continues to drag her by her hair to his room, while she complains about the pain she's in)  
  
(Angel chuckles)  
  
Tarrance: (Lifts an eyebrow suspiciously) What?  
  
Angel: You've just managed to kill 4 birds with one stone!  
  
Tarrance: Huh?  
  
Angel. Okay, # 1, Spike's crypt is completely messed up, ergo some revenge on Spike, #2, Connor's diaper is now changed, #3, The hell bitch that killed my Buffy is now being dealed with, #4, I can now talk to you about those visions you were having in the car.  
  
Tarrance: (Completely in denial) No, they're nothing but nothing. I've simply been, um, been watching too many horror movies.  
  
Angel: Then how come I've had the same visions?  
  
Tarrance: (Attempting to make up an excuse) Um, you've been watching the same horror movies?  
  
Angel: Also, these visions, you've had them ever since childhood, is that right?  
  
Tarrance: (In denial) No, of course not! Besides, they're um, they're nightmares, that's all.  
  
Angel: You talk in you sleep?  
  
Tarrance: (Still in denial) Sure, lots of people do it. Ever read The Enquirerer?  
  
Angel: Don't deny them. He wouldn't have wanted you to.  
  
Tarrance: (She is outraged by Angel's comment and near tears) How the hell would YOU know what my dear Louie would have wanted for me?!?  
  
(Tarrance realizes that she had just admitted to having the visions and covers her mouth)  
  
Tarrance: (Still in denial) He's just a dream, a fictional character I made up in my head!  
  
Angel: Claudia?  
  
Tarrance: Yes?  
  
(Realizes that she has just admitted to knowing what he's talking about once again and covers her mouth. She begins to cry)  
  
Tarrance: (Hysterically) They're nightmares, nothing but bad nightmares, okay!?!  
  
Angel: Then why do they upset you so?  
  
Tarrance: They're not normal! They can't be real, vampires aren't real, you aren't real, hah, this whole situation isn't real! It's all a nightmare, but don't worry, I'm going to wake up any minute...  
  
Angel: (Angrily) Tarrance, you know that this is no nightmare, and whether you'd like to admit it or not, this is reality. Your reality!  
  
Tarrance: No, no it's not! What it is is pure nonsence!  
  
Angel: Rubbish!  
  
Tarrance: Poppycock!  
  
Angel: Are these the words of a normal teenager from the year 2002?  
  
Tarrance: (Slightly embarrased) That's how people talked back then!  
  
Angel: So you admit it?  
  
Tarrance: Yes, no, maybe, I don't know. Deep down, I can sense that it once was rea, but it's not anymore!  
  
Angel: That's not my question. All I want to know if you believe that it once was real. That you, Tarrance, were once a vampire by the name of Claudia.  
  
Tarrance: I, I...  
  
Angel: It was real, I saw it, I met Louie! He knew everything. He still had part of his soul...  
  
Tarrance: And did you?  
  
Angel: What? Have my soul?  
  
(Tarrance nods)  
  
[note to readers: I'm not sure if he actually did have his soul in this time period, but it was around this time, so humor me]  
  
Angel: Yes, yes, I was nothing. Nothing but a killer. Louie, he was like me, only he, he had reason to live. He had you.  
  
Tarrance: (Whispers) I don't understand, nor remember exactly what he was to me. What I was to him. Why I died. Who I was.  
  
Angel: Wait a moment.  
  
(He walks into Spike's kitchen, and comes back with a glass)  
  
Angel: Drink this.  
  
Tarrance: (Nervously) What is it?  
  
Angel: You know. You've always known. Drink it, and soon everything will become clear.  
  
(Tarrance looks at him skeptically for a second, but then grabs the glass and drinks the thick blood. All of a sudden, she feels a sharp pain in her head and her legs begin to shake. No longer able to stand, she falls on the couch. Her eyes are closed, but she is not asleep. She is reliving her past...)  
  
Angel: And when you wake up, your past will be clear, and I can explain your destiny, your choice, your future.  
  
(Next scene is going to be a huge surprise, but I'm not telling!) 


	17. Part 2 of Dealing

(Okay, I'm beginning to loose interest in this piece of literature. The whole point was originally going to be silly humor and cheerleading stuff, but now's it's become very complicated, and my heart just isn't into it anymore. I will finish it, but I WILL take longer to update. I need some time to think and type. I will try to finish it by the end of spring vacation, but if I don't, I'm going to have to shorten it. This story wasn't even supposed to happen. I was talking with my friend on the phone when the idea popped in my head. Trust me, this is crappy writing, No imagery, no depth, this story is complete. But if you insist otherwise and really like my story, then when the time comes in the summer and I begin to write the story that I've been dying to write for the longest time [not telling you what it is now], I want you to give it a shot. And if for some reason it is impossible for me to continue the story, I will ask one of my fans to continue it. I have someone in mind if the time does come, but hopefully, I'll manage to finish it.  
  
By the way, sorry if the story is becoming less humorous and is dragging along. It's because writing it has become more work than fun. But I am very grateful, again, to the people reading it. You've been truely dedicated to my story)  
  
Scene 21: Dealing, part 2  
  
(A few minutes before Angel got to talk to Torrance about her past, Spike had come into the room and recognizes Courtney as Glory.)  
  
(He grabs her hair and drags her by it across the floor to his bedroom, where he also in my story happens to keep all of his weapons)  
  
Courtney: Ow, that hurts!  
  
Spike: Believe me, that will feel like nothing by the time I'm done with you! And even if for some strange reason my chip works on you since you obviously no longer have your god powers, I'll still inflict plenty of pain on you!  
  
Courtney: Huh?  
  
Spike: Oh sorry, must have been too many words for you.  
  
Courtney: (In complete disgust) I, I'm not human. I can't be!  
  
Spike: Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?  
  
(He continues to drag her to his room. When they get there, he throws her [literally] across the room into the wall. She manages to get up, but clutches to the wall)  
  
Courtney: (In pain) Oww!  
  
Spike: (Very casually) Nah, didn't hurt. Hmm, let's see if this hurts.  
  
(He punches Courtney right in the jaw)  
  
Courtney: (Pain filed voice) Oww! Jeez, you almost broke my jaw. (She clutches it from pain) And I use that thing to talk!  
  
(Spike punches her jaw again, this time harder. We hear a crack)  
  
Courtney: (Can no longer speak properly, but with plenty of anger) AHW, U BOKE MA JAW, U PHUKIN BAHARD!  
  
Spike: (In a sing song voice) Sorry, can't understand what you're saying!  
  
(He pushes her on the floor)  
  
Courtney: (VERY ANGERILY) WHEN AH GEA OD AH HEAH, AH GONHA MAHE U HUFFER!  
  
(Spike grabs her by the hair and pulls her to his broken dresser. He rumages through the mess, until he finds a rope, a gag, and tape)  
  
Courtney: HEAH, WHA DA HALL DA YA TANK YA DOIN?  
  
(Spike stuffs the gag into her mouth)  
  
Spike: Shutting you up! G-d, even when I break your jaw, you don't stop yappng! Do you know how much torture that is alone, having to listen to you complain?  
  
Courtney: (Angry muffled complaining) Hmpharg! Arpharg!  
  
Spike: (Very annoyed) Glory, shut up!  
  
(Courtney goes to spit out the gag, but Spike puts a large piece of tape on her mouth on her mouth before she does)  
  
(In response, Courtney steps on his foot really hard in her heels!)  
  
Spike: ( In pain) Owwww, that really hurts! You bitch!  
  
(He grabs her arms and attempts to tie them together. However, she steps on her foot again, making him loose his grip on her arms for a second. She reaches into her skirt pocket and presses the on button of her cellphone. [yes, it has a pocket, okay?!?] Knowing that Spike will recover from he pain any minute, she quickly dials the number Cordelia had gotten from the feminists from the road. Knowing she can't talk, nor has the time to, she places the phone in her pocket and runs in the direction of the door. Unfortunately for her, Spike recovers from the pain as soon as she puts the phone in her pocket and grabs her, right as she was about to escape)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Damn it to hell, this is NOT how things were supposed to work out!  
  
(Spike grabs her arms and pulls her toward his metal pole. [yes, he has an actual pole in his crypt in my story, okay?!?] He puts the rope aroud her waist and ties a double knot. She goes to kick him in the groin, but he grabs her foot midway and takes off her high heels.)  
  
Spike: Not falling for the whole "kick in the groin" routine, you know.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Especially when the girl's wearing heels!  
  
(She gives him the middle finger)  
  
Spike: No, can't have any of that, now can we?  
  
(He ties her arms with the leftover rope to the pole)  
  
Spike: (Very casually) Do you like the pole? Was originally going to use it and the ropes for something a little more "erotic," but torture works too.  
  
Cortney: (Thinks to herself) Yeah right, like this loser even has a sex life.  
  
Spike: (Grins) So, how does it feel like to be the one tied to the pole? Sucks, doesn't it?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) No shit, sherlock! Jeez, I'm sooo much better nagging my victims.  
  
Spike: (He punches her in the face) What, no fight?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Oh, they're be a fight, and you'll be the one who loses. Just give me time...  
  
Spike: You know (slaps her in the face), you don't even say anything that's worth listening to. When you (kicks her in the stomach) tied me up, all you did was babble about finding your (scratchs her arm) sodden key. (walks to his dresser as he talks to Courtney) You could have talked about at least something remotely interesting, (grabs a dagger and walks back to the pole) like, what you were planning to do once you got back to your hell dimension. (Makes slight cuts on her legs with a dagger) But know, all you did was repeat the same bleeding question. (Imitates Glory in a very ditzy tone) Who's the like, key? You know, I could like totally beat the slayer. I'm like, a gad, and that's so, like totally cool.  
  
(Faint muffles come from Courtney and she sticks her middle finger at him once again)  
  
Spike: (Disappointed voice) Oh, I thought this was going to be fun. But this is too easy. At least when I was tied up, I said things that were insulting.  
  
(Courtney gives him a look that says "duh, I'd say something if I wasn't gagged")  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Hardly a challange, if you ask me. Maybe talking with Peaches will piss me off and I'll take out my anger on you.  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Hmmm, he doesn't get along with the other vampire. Interesting, and could work to my advantage...  
  
Spike: Oh, before I leave, I need to do 3 things. (Very angrily) This is for what you did to me! (He slaps her in the face) I had those scars for a few weeks, you know? (VERY ANGRILY) This is for what you did to Nibblit! (He punches her in the nose, breaking it in the process)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Ow! Damn it, does he WANT me to look deformed?  
  
Spike: (With Hate in his voice) And THIS is for killing her. Physically and spiritually. (He kicks her in the stomach with all his might. There is a slight cracking sound)  
  
(He exits and goes to the living room)  
  
(Now that Courtney is alone, she begins to cry from the pain she's in)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Holy crap, I think he broke some of my ribs! I haven't felt this type of pain since, since that slayer! I hate this planet! Well, no matter. I'll be ruling it and then everyone who ever caused me pain will suffer!  
  
(Smirks to herself)  
  
You know what, the pain isn't so bad. Maybe my jaw, nose, and some of my ribs are broken, maybe I'm bleeding, maybe I'm the trapped up one right now, but it's only making me stronger. (Looks at her pocket containing her cellphone) And wait until my followers see what was done to their beloved leader!  
  
Back in the living room:  
  
(Angel has just given Torrance some blood, taking her out of reality and showing her a life she once knew)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) I hope this will give her the answers she seeks.  
  
(Spike burts into the room)  
  
Angel: (Slightly annoyed) Don't you ever knock?  
  
Spike: (Outraged) What the bloody hell are you talking about? This is MY crypt! I'll knock whenever the bloody hell I feel like knocking!  
  
Angel: (Ignoring Spike's comment) Uh huh, whatever. Say, could you keep it down, Connor's trying to take a nap.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Okay, I'm pissed off now. Do I take it out on Glory the bitch or Peaches, the poof?  
  
Angel: (In a superior tone) Hey Spike, what were you thinking with these candles? They just don't go with the crypt's coloring, you know? You see, I always make sure my candles match.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Definitely Peaches.  
  
Spike: Peaches, shut the bloody hell up!  
  
Angel: (In a superior tone) Or what?  
  
Spike: Or I'll, um, or I'll...  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Oh crap, what the hell AM I going to do to him? Stake him?  
  
Spike: I'll, um...  
  
Angel: I knew it Spike, you're just talk when you're threatened. (Looks at Spike's bloody knuckles) And yet, when you're stronger than someone, you feel free to harm and take advantage to them. Do you get what I'm saying?  
  
Spike: (Completely clueless) Um, no.  
  
(Angel rolls his eyes)  
  
Angel: I'm saying, you better stop harming the weak and deal with the strong. You better stop taking "advantage" of those who don't know any better, those who are going through difficult times, those who for some reason, trust you.  
  
Spike: (Realizes what Angel means and smirks) Jealous? How'd you find out anyway? Was I that good?  
  
Angel: (Very annoyed) This isn't about me, this is about what's best for her!  
  
Spike: (Very self assured) And that would be me.  
  
(Angel punches Spike in the face)  
  
Spike: (Very pissed off) Hey, what the bloody hell is your problem?  
  
Angel: One word: You.  
  
(He punches him again. Spike punches him back, and they begin to fight) [don't feel like going into details, so just imagine, okay?]  
  
(Connor begins to cry)  
  
Angel: (Angrily) Great, now you woke up Connor!  
  
Spike: (Angrily) Look, if you don't want to wake the sodden baby, then let's take this into another room. (Realizes that what he just said was considerate) Um, just to get away from the annoying noise, of course.  
  
Angel: Fine!  
  
Spike: Fine!  
  
(They walk to Spike's room)  
  
Spike: Anyway, we were fighting. You were on that side...(Angel takes Spike by surprise and punches him as forceful as he can, knocking Spike out for a few minutes) [I love Spike, but this fits into what I want to do with the story]  
  
Angel: (Very annoyed) Spike, shut up! I want what's best for Buffy, and you're not going to get in the way of her happiness!  
  
(Courtney saw the whole thing and smiles. This is perfect for her plan. Needing to get Angel's attention, she stomps her foot. Since she has no shoes on, it is a very quiet sound, but Angel can hear it. He turns around to see what it is)  
  
Angel: The hell god?  
  
(Courtney shakes her head "no")  
  
Angel: Then who ae you?  
  
(She gives another one of those "gee, I'd love to tell you, if I wasn't gagged" looks)  
  
Angel: Oh, I guess I could at least remove that for you. You look like you got beat up pretty bad by him.  
  
(He rips the tape off her mouth. She spits out the gag)  
  
Courtney: (Still cannot talk right because of her broken jaw) Hike id iss hoo mea, tha ahhole!  
  
Angel: Huh, I can't understand you.  
  
(She makes a little writing motion, telling him to get her a piece of paper and a pen. He understands, and reaches into his pocket, where he is conviently carrying both a paper and a pen. He unties her arms, and gives her the paper and pen. She leans on her leg and writes him a note. When she is done with it, she hands it to him. This is what the note says:)  
  
[pay attention to the note's details, may come in handy later...]  
  
The note: Spike did this to me, the asshole! Anyway, where to begin... Ok, I was just lying in the living room (I had just recovered from my unconcious state which by the way, I have YOU to thank for), when Spike came in and asked who wrecked his crypt. Well, I saw Torrance changing the baby and making the mess, so I wasn't even worried about being blamed for it. But the little skank decides "what the hell, I don't want to get in trouble, lets just put the blame on good ol Courtney instead!" When I was pointed to, Spike kept calling me by this other person's name or something. I think it was Glory. Anyway, I had NO idea what he was talking about, being a poor, helpless cheerleader, and tod him that the mess wasn't mine. However, he didn't listen, and dragged me hear, where he managed to break my nose, my jaw, and some of my ribs. But I'm just a poor, helpless cheerleader, after all. Do I look like a hell god? Seriously! He didn't even bother making sure that he was harming an innocent person, you know? And I was completely helpless to stop him. He's dangerous, whoever he is. Should be locked away... Will you help me?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Okay, this is going to work fine. Just give Angel the phone when he's done reading, and everything will fall into place. And seriously, this is waaaaay too easy!  
  
Angel: (Puts the note in his pants pocket) Okay, so what you're saying is that you're not a hell god?  
  
(Courntey nods her head)  
  
Angel: Yet Spike did all of this to you anyway?  
  
(Courtney nods her head again)  
  
Angel: See, I knew he was a danger to society! He can't be allowed to roam the streets of Sunnydale if he'd do this (points to Courtney) to innocent people.  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Yes, an excuse to tell Buffy when I stake him!  
  
(Courtney makes a "call me sign" with her hands, but Angel just looks at her blankly. She sighs and makes a writing motion with her hands. He understands and gives her another piece of paper. She writes yet another note and hands it to him)  
  
The note: Listen up, (well read up, but not the point) I know that that's not you only reason fo staking him. I know what he's doing to that poor girl. I saw slight scars on her face. When we were arguing in the car before, it wasn't about hockey. It was about the abusive relationship she was in. She kept insisting it was her fault, and that she was a bad person. When I told her it wasn't her fault, and was his, she went all psyco on me and started hitting me. I think she was hallucinating that I was her boyfriend. Anyway, instinctively, I hit her back, resulting in the fight we had. Well, being a fellow woman, this is unacceptable to me, and I want Spike to get what he deserves. I know you have reasons for hating him too, so, will you help me?  
  
(Angel stops reading the note and nods his head in agreement. He continues to read the note)  
  
The note: Okay, here's what I need you to do: See the cellphone I just grabbed out of my pocket?  
  
(Angel looks up from the note and nods. He continues to read it)  
  
The note: I want you to take the phone and press the redial button. I have already dialed the correct number. Since I really can't talk right now, I want you to tell them that my ex. boyfriend has been abusing me, and that I'm in danger. Then, tell them the address and my friends will take care of him. And in case you're not convinced, remember what they did to the driver that cut us off and the reporter. Trust me, he'll be in "good hands."  
  
Angel: (Suspiciously) And why should I trust you? How do I know that you're not Glory?  
  
Courtney: (Talks with her broken jaw) Ihint Ghori head?  
  
Angel: (Even more suspiciously) Wait, how would you know that?  
  
Courntey: (Quickly makes up an exuse for her slip) Uhhh, I hearh Hike halking. Hought a ha cohm ba fro da deah ohw somphein ike hat.  
  
Angel: Well...  
  
Courtney: (Trying to add additional information) Dihd a menhon hat hey awe femanishs?  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Hmm, watching Spike getting kicked the crap outof by angry feminists. Hmmmm, is it worth the risk of her lying?  
  
(Spike begins to moan and mutter curse words about Angel under his breath)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to herself) Yep, worth it. Seeing Spike getting the crap beat up of him by women should make me laugh enough to last for centuries. Besides, even if she was that hell god Glory, obviously she's not dangerous anymore.  
  
Angel: Give me the phone.  
  
(Courtney smiles and hands him the phone)  
  
(He presses the redial button and it begins to ring)  
  
Angel: Hello? Who is this??  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) What kind of a moron answers the phone like that?  
  
Angel: Um, Courtney needs your help. Her ex. boyfriend has been abusing her. You need to help her. Um, let me give you directions.  
  
(He gives directions and then hangs up)  
  
Courntey: Hice hob.  
  
Angel: When do you think they'll get here?  
  
Courntey: (Thinks to herself) Oh, very shortly, very shortly. Phase one of my plan is almost complete, and everything will be dealt with my way! 


	18. Feminists and hell gods

Scene 22: Feminists and hell gods  
  
(Okay, before I begin writing again, I just really want to thank you guys. Honestly, your reviews are what keep me writing my stories. Now, I know I haven't updated in, like week, which is something I almost never do. Well, I had been writing every night before then, and I was beginning to hate it. That is unacceptable to me. I cannot write when I don't want to. But now I've had time to chill and allow the "creative juices" to flow. Oh by the way, I sounded very depressed during the last scene. Well, I was. My mood greatly affects my writing. Oh by the way, I don't hate this story. It's just that I wrote one other story before this, also a crossover, and it was my first real fan fiction. Didn't get half as many reviews, and it was like my baby. Personally, I felt my Rocky Horror crossover was funnier, but then again, without nearly as much plot.  
  
And like I said before, we all could use a laugh, especially in this time and age. Hopefully, the next half of the story will give you just that.  
  
Oh yeah, if you don't remember what happened in scene 21, reread it.  
  
You also might want to reread Scene 8: I am Courtney, hear me roar!  
  
P.S. In response to one of my reviews, I REALLY don't like Buffy this season. I made her dittzy like season 1 because I liked her then. Plus, well, you'll see in the story…  
  
A KEY YOU MAY FIND USEFUL LATER: (THE MAIN WOMEN THAT ARE MY OWN CHARACTERS)  
  
WOMAN IN BUG (WIB)- PRESIDENT OF COURTNEY'S FANCLUB AND 2ND IN COMMAND TO ONLY COURTNEY. VERY AGGRESSIVE. ALWAYS YELLING AT WIM. (LIKE MOST PRESIDENTS DO TO THEIR VICE PRESIDENTS)  
  
WOMAN IN MINIVAN (WIM)- VICE PRESIDENT OF THE FANCLUB. NOBODY REALLY NOTICES HER, EXCEPT THE PRESIDENT. KIND OF LIKE POLITICS TODAY. SHE IS VERY SENSITIVE.  
  
WOMAN IN PORCHE (WIP)- TOOK REPORTER'S PLACE WHEN COURTNEY WAS ON THE NEWS. THINKS THAT SHE'S NOW A FABULOUS REPORTER AND PUBLIC SPEAKER, WHEN SHE REALL SUCKS AT IT. ALWAYS INSISTS ON INTRODUCING COURTNEY AND MAKING SPEECHES ABOUT HER. DRAGS TAMMY WITH HER WHEREVER SHE GOES, SO SHE CAN BE FILMED.  
  
TAMMY (NO ABBREVIATION)- THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE CAMERA CREW THAT WAS FEMALE. SHE'S VERY QUIET AND SHY, BUT ALSO VERY RESPONSIBLE. COURTNEY GIVES HER ALL OF THE PAPERWORK. COURTNEY TRUSTS HER A LOT. ALWAYS FOLLOWING AROUD THE WIP. OH YEAH, SHE'S THE INTELLIGENT ONE OUT OF ALL COURTNEY'S FOLLOWERS.  
  
WOMAN IN CAB (WIC)- WORSHIPS THE GROUND COURTNEY WALKS . ALWAYS TELLS EVERYONE TO SHUT UP SO SHE CAN HEAR WHAT HER BELOVED LEADER IS SAYING.  
  
WOMEN #1-4 (#_)- THEY WERE THE ONES THAT ATTACKED BOTH THE DRIVER THAT CUT CORDELIA OFF AND THE "MAN REPORTER." THEY ARE THE MOST VIOLENT. THAT IS THE ONLYASPECT TO THEIR PERSONALITIES. SHE CALLS UPON THEM TO KILL, CAPTURE, OR JUST PLAIN HURT OTHERS.  
  
NOTE: WIC AND WIP ARE SWORN ENEMIES, FOR WIP ALWAYS WANTS TO SPEAK FOR COURTNEY AND APPEARS TO WORSHIP HER THE LEAST OUT OF ALL OF THEM WHEN WIC WORSHIPS COURTNEY THE MOST, AND ALWAYS WANTS TO HEAR COURNTEY, NOT WIP. HOWEVER, THE WIC NEVER WANTS TO FIGHT…  
  
(Courtney has convinced Angel to get a little "revenge" on Spike. He called "Courtney's friends' and told them Spike was Courtney's ex, and that he had been abusing her. Now the angry feminists are on their way.  
  
Angel: When do you think they'll get here?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Oh, very shortly, very shortly. Phase one of my plan is almost complete...  
  
(She mutters some words under her breath, and for a second, Angel glows like a lightbulb)  
  
Angel: (Surfer dude accent) Dude, that was so rad!  
  
(Courtney looks at him as if he just sprouted 10 arms)  
  
Angel: (Almost giddy) You know, I've never acted so reckless before! Well, not as Angel, anyway.  
  
Courtney: (Rolls her eyes, completely not interested) Uh, haz hice.  
  
Angel: (Excitedly) I mean, think about it, trusting someone who could very well be an ex hell god and calling her friends. Heck, they could be your lackies and want to kill us all. How cool!  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) G-d, I didn't realize that the spell would make him act THAT weird. I just wanted him a little off guard, not insane! Aw well…  
  
(There is a banging on the door)  
  
Spike: (Groans) Oh bloody hell, my head!  
  
Angel: (Very excitedly) Oh, I'll get the door, I'll get the door!  
  
Courtney: (With a slight attitude) Ah, ya, u ou tha.  
  
Spike: (Slowly gets up and groans again) Oh bloody hell Peaches, don't you ever watch those horror movies? You never answer the door!  
  
Angel: (Over excitedly) Door, door answering, yeah!  
  
(He pulls the door open with all of his might to see the faces of about 100 enraged feminists)  
  
Angel: (Giggles) Ohhhhh, angry people. Do you guys want to do the happy dance? Then those angry frowns will turn into smiles, like, um, like silly clowns!  
  
Spike: (Looks at Angel and Glory in disgust) Glory, please tell me you sucked his brain out and that this isn't a symptom of old age. Cause if it is, might as well stake myself now.  
  
(Courtney ignores Spike's comment and begins to fake sob)  
  
Courtney: (VERY fake sounding distress) Oh, eh wa ho horril! Ma ex, he hoke ma haw, ma hibs, en ma hose!  
  
(Spike looks in horror around him)  
  
Spike: (Angrily) What the bloody hell is going on here? (Thinks about what Courtney just said)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Oh crap, the hell god has lackies! And they appear to be those ugly feminists you watch and laugh at on T.V. Oh crap!  
  
WIM: (In complete confusion) What? I can't understand a word you just said, your greatness.  
  
WIB: (In an impatinet voice) What is the matter with you?!? Are you incompetent? The magnificent Courtney obviously just said…um, the magnificent Courtney just said…um….  
  
Angel: You guys are so silly. She just said…  
  
(Spike elbows him in the ribs)  
  
Spike: (Mutters to Angel) Shut up, Peaches, don't fancy them trying to fight me, being all chipped and all.  
  
Angel: (Voice of a 2 year old) Secwets, secwets awe no fun, they should be shawed with evyone!  
  
(Spike groans)  
  
Courtney: (Struggles to say her story again) Oh, eh wa ho horril! Ma ex, he hoke ma haw, ma hibs, en ma hose!  
  
WIP: Perhaps the great Courtney can write it down and then I can recite her message for her, being I'm so good at public speaking and all…  
  
(All the women "boo" and "hiss" at her. Spike sighs in relief)  
  
WIC: Shut up, I want to hear Courtney talk, not you!  
  
WIP: You're just jealous that I have better speak skills than you!  
  
WIC: Okay, 1st of all, it's speaking, and 2nd of all, you suck at it!  
  
WIP: Okay, that's it! Bring it!  
  
(The women begin rooting "fight, fight")  
  
WIC: (Whiny voice) Not now, I wanna hear Courtney talk!  
  
(Everyone stares at her in shock for passing up a fight)  
  
WIC: (Has no idea why everyone is staring at her) What?  
  
Tammy: (Very quietly) I, I heard what Courtney said. I also remember the phone conversation, which explained what happened to her…  
  
(However, no one is listening to her and Tammy looks at the ground)  
  
Angel: You guys are so silly! Silly girls, silly girls!  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) I think I actually liked him better as his monotone, boring self. This is annoying!  
  
Spike: Bloody hell Peaches, you give vampires a bad name!  
  
(All the women stare at him)  
  
Spike: (Realizes that he just said that out loud and tries to think of an excuse) Um, did I mention that in Britain, that's, um, a slang term for, um, for um, blond?  
  
Tammy: (Very meekly) But, but the other guy has brown hair.  
  
Spike: Oh, bloody hell!  
  
Courtney: (Very distressed that no one can understand her) Ef aniwone ca udasand ma, ca heah!  
  
(Only Tammy walks by her)  
  
Tammy: (Whispers to Courtney) Should I tell them for you?  
  
Courtney: Noh. Ga inho ma bag en tha otha ram. Tha eh a bak wi pells. Ring et heah!  
  
Tammy: (Very quietly) Okay.  
  
(She runs out the room to go get the bag)  
  
Angel: Say, anyone want to play charades?  
  
Spike: (In complete disgust) And I'm related to him! Glory, just stake me now!  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) And let you miss out on all the suffering I have planned out for you? I don't think so!  
  
Back in the other room:  
  
Torrance: (Thinks to herself while watching the sleeping baby) I, I can't believe it. Me, a vampire!?! Just like that Angel guy, only I was cuter. It was soooo freaky! I need to talk to that guy. Why was I reborn? And as a human? Why tell me now? I'm so confused! And the blood he gave me, it actually didn't taste too bad…  
  
(However, a sudden knock on the door interrupts her train of thought)  
  
Torrance: Angel?  
  
Tammy: No, it's Tammy. May I come in?  
  
Torrance: Suit yourself. (Nervous laughter) I don't even know who I am, let alone who you are, but come on in anyway!  
  
(Tammy feels uncomfortable but walks in anyway)  
  
Tammy: Excuse me, but do you mind if I look through Courtney's bag? I need to bring her a book.  
  
Torrance: Suit yourself, though I can't possibly imagine her being able to read.  
  
Tammy: (Curious as to why Torrance isn't questioning who she is. She attempts to sound intimidating, but it fails miserably and she sounds like a little mouse) Do you have any idea who I am, whether or not I'm dangerous?  
  
Torrance: (In a very depressed voice) Does it matter? We're all strangers. I don't even know who I am. Am I Torrance or Claudia?  
  
Tammy: Um, I really don't know. Well, it was nice meeting you, um, Torrance…  
  
(She is about to exit the room when she notices the baby. She freezes for just a second, but then continues to leave the room and go find Courtney)  
  
Torrance: (Talking to herself) Suit yourself. Now, should I wear my hair straight like Torrance or curly like Claudia?  
  
(Back in Spike's room with Courtney)  
  
(Things are a little hectic. The WIP and WIC continue to bicker, the WIB is yelling at the WIM about her problems and not knowing what to do, and Angel is playing "charades" by himself. No one is paying attention to him. Spike has attempted to escape about 4 times, but Courtney is watching him, and shakes her head whenever she sees him trying to leave. This is a sign to the number women to grab him and make sure he doesn't leave) [see, they're not stupid, they just don't talk! Only the woman who have car names next to them are stupid, some more than others]  
  
Angel: Okay, I'm thinking of a animal with 4 legs and a tail. Can anyone guess?  
  
(No one answers)  
  
Angel: (Pouts and whines) Aww, that's not fair! Okay, here's a hint!  
  
(He goes on all fours and crawls around the room. He makes "barking" sounds)  
  
Spike: (Groans in disgust) Oh Glory, make him stop! Not that it's not funny, because believe me, it is, but I do have my pride, and he's my sire for crying outloud! Other demons may talk, you know?  
  
(Courtney just rolls her eyes and mouth the words "fu_ck you")  
  
Angel: (Very excited) Everyone give up? It's a doggie!  
  
Spike: (Mutters to himself) No shit sherlock!  
  
(Tammy runs into the room carrying the book)  
  
Courtney: (Very impatiently) Eh's abad tam!  
  
Tammy: So sorry, your greatness. What spell do you want me to go to?  
  
Courtney: Lak en da indec far spalls on healin!  
  
(Tammy flips through the pages frantically)  
  
(However, Spike understood what Courtney just said, and is beginning to understand his situation)  
  
Spike: Oh crap, you're into witchcraft!  
  
(He struggles to escape from the four numbered women. But he can't, for he'd end up hurting them, which would end up hurting him, and, well, you know…)  
  
(Tammy finds the page. Without Courtney needing to tell her, she recites the spell. [She's the smart one, so she can figure stuff out] A big, glowy light surrounds Courtney for a minute. Then it stops, and all of Courtney's scratches and marks are gone)  
  
Courtney: (VERY annoyed) It's about time! Seriously, I don't know how I put up with you idiots!  
  
Spike: (Horrified with what just happened) That spell, it…  
  
Courtney: (Laughs) Heeled my injuries completely, which I have you to thank for!  
  
(The women gasp in shock)  
  
Spike: Oh crap!  
  
Angel: Hee hee, the girl no longer talks silly!  
  
WIC: (In utter astonishment) How could anyone even lay a hand upon the magnificent Courtney!  
  
(Women look at Spike in utter disgust)  
  
WIB: (Babbles to WIM) Oh, that's what she was saying. I'm such a bad president! How could I not know what our beloved leader was saying?  
  
WIM: Um, I don't know.  
  
WIB: (Thinks for a second) Wait, it was your fault! You're to blame!  
  
WIM: (Completely clueless as to why she's being blamed) Me, why me?!?  
  
WIB: Because, um, because…(tries to think of a reason) Um, because you distracted me with your constant talking!  
  
WIM: I did?!?  
  
WIB: Also, the president always blames the vice president for what goes on. It's like an unwritten rule of politics.  
  
WIM: Oohhhh…  
  
Courntey: (VERY ANGRILY) OKAY ALL OF YOU, SHUT UP!  
  
(They all silence themselves in 5 seconds)  
  
Courntey: (Screams at her lackies) Didn't you get the phone message?  
  
WIB: (Stutters) C, Cou, Courtney, I can explain!  
  
Courtney: (VERY ANNOYED) Save it!  
  
(WIB shuts up and glares at the WIM, who she blames EVERYTHING on)  
  
Courtney: (Angrily) Let me just say, I am disgusted with your insolence. Now, 1st issue: what do we do to men who harm and or mess with me?  
  
Woman #1: Beat him!  
  
Woman #2: Kick him!  
  
Woman #3: Punch him!  
  
Woman #4: Hit him with a stick!  
  
(Everyone looks at her)  
  
Woman #4: What?  
  
Courtney: (Very angrily) No, not this time! No, he must suffer far more than physical pain!  
  
(Spike chuckles)  
  
Courtney: (Outraged Spike just laughed in the middle of her speech) How dare you!  
  
Spike: (Continues to chuckle) It's just that this is so bleeding funny! I mean, I never though anyone was as stupid as you, but here I am, surrounded by 100's of women who actually listen to you. Now that's stupid!  
  
(He chontinues to chuckle until woman #3 gets really annoyed at his rudeness to Courtney and kicks him in his ribs)  
  
Spike: Ow!  
  
Courtney: Shut up! Okay, you all are going to listen, and you all are going to listen good!  
  
Angel: (Very eagerly) Say, if I listen, do I get a cookie?  
  
Courtney: Okay, that's it! I can't take you anymore! I'd rather have to fight the bastard!  
  
Tammy, give me the spell book!  
  
(Tammy does just that)  
  
Courtney: Reverseay!  
  
(Light glows around Angel once more for a second, but then it stops)  
  
Courtney: Say Tam, this whole glowy thing is getting kind of old. Anyway to make it stop?  
  
Tammy: After the spell, just say "glow off."  
  
Courtney: (In disbelief) Really?  
  
(Tammy nods her head)  
  
Courtney: Hmm, what will they think of next?  
  
Angel: (Holds his head in pain) What just happened?  
  
Spike: (Very pissed off) Oh bloody hell Peaches, you were a real idiot this time!  
  
Angel: (Lost) Huh?  
  
Spike: (Rolls his eyes) Oh come on Peaches, you don't remember the fight, you knocking me out and helping the hell bitch?  
  
Courtney: (Outraged) WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?  
  
Spike: Hell bitch. (Spells it out for her slowly) H—E—L—L B—I—T—C—H!  
  
Courtney: (Extremely pissed off) Okay, okay that's it! Women, tie them up!  
  
Angel: Wait a second, them?!? That's plural! I thought we had a deal to get revenge on Spike!  
  
Courtney: (Slyly smirks) Sorry, but I don't make deals with men. Besides, I will be getting revenge on Spike. Your only catch is that I'm going to get revenge on you too! My fighting ladies, you get the extremely annoying pain in the ass blond! The rest, get the other really annoying guy. He may have a soul, but he can fight back if he wants, so I need more of you on him!  
  
Spike: (Very offended) Hey, I'm intimidating! I'm the big bad!  
  
Courtney; More like the big dikey loser! Girls, attack!  
  
Spike: (Thinks to herself) She does realize that you call girls that look like guys and that are lesbians dikes. Oh bloody hell, what a stupid git! (Realizes how just thought "bloody hell") Oh, bloody hell, Faith was right, I do need a new word! (Realizes he just said it again) Oh, blood…I mean, oh damn it!  
  
(By this time, the 4 women have managed to grab him and tie him up. They leave him on the floor)  
  
(The rest of the women are struggling to get Angel. He punches them, but doesn't want to kill them, being that they're human. They eventually get a hold of him and tie him up as well. They throw him on the floor)  
  
Spike: (Looks a Angel with hate in his eyes) Peaches, this is all your fault!  
  
Angel: Oh no, the fault is yours. If you hadn't hurt Buffy…  
  
Spike: What the bloody hell are you talking about? I love her! I would never hurt her!  
  
Angel: It probably hurts her to look at that face!  
  
(Spike laughs)  
  
Spike: Was that supposed to be insulting? Obviously she likes what she sees, otherwise why would she keep coming back to me?  
  
Angel: (Furiously) How dare you talk abut Buffy that way! She deserves to be happy, not with you!  
  
Courtney: (Rolls her eyes) Oh both of you shut up!  
  
(However, Spike and Angel ignore her and continue to bicker)  
  
Courtney: Okay, that's it! I hate it when people talk when I'm talking!  
  
(She looks at her spell book again)  
  
Courtney: Silenco! (A glow surrounds Spike and Angel)  
  
Courtney: Oh yeah, glow off!  
  
(The glow stops and there is silent)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Great, now I can't talk. This is all Angel's fault!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Great, now I can't talk. This is all Spike's fault!  
  
Courtney: Okay, now I am going to unfurl my evil plan to my enemies and let you know the way I am going to make you suffer!  
  
(Angel and Spike groan silentely, not because of what she's going to do to them bt because they're going to have to listen to one of her long speeches!) 


	19. I Put a Spell On You, and Now You're Min...

Scene 23: I put a spell on you, and now you're mine! (Part 1)  
  
(Sorry it's taking me so long to update. I've just been busy)  
  
(Courtney has just put a spell on Spike and Angel that prevents them from speaking. She is now standing on top of Spike's bed [well, the remains of it], ready to make her speech)  
  
Courtney: (In a very loud, over enthusiatic voice) My fellow women! Come before me and allow me to reveal with you my plan!  
  
WIC: Down in front, I can't see!  
  
WIP: That's because you're shorter than my grandmother!  
  
Courtney: (Turns red) Silence!  
  
WIB: Oh great, now Courtney is angry again! (Looks right at the WIM) Go get the whistle!  
  
WIM: (In shock) But, I really want to hear her speech!  
  
WIB: (Angrily) Just do it!  
  
(The WIM grumbles to herself about the WIB and how she'll be the death of her.She then mutters some words I'd rather not share with such "impressionable" readers)  
  
Courtney: (Very angrily) Silence, all of you! If I hear any sound that is not from my mouth, I will kick you out of this organization. Do I make myself clear?  
  
(99 heads nod frantically. Only three heads stayed still, two belonging to some very pissed off vampires)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Who bloody hell cares?  
  
Courtney: (Very loud and enthusiastically) Fellow women and feminists, let me tell you of a dream, a dream I have had for a long time, soon to become a reality! It began many years ago, when I was a young thing. I'd say I was about 5000 years old, if that much.  
  
(One of the women gasps)  
  
Courtney: Furiously) HEY, I SAID NO SOUNDS OTHER THAN FROM ME! NOW, IF YOU FIND THAT SHOCKING, THEN I SUGGEST THAT YOU LEAVE!  
  
(The woman frantically shook her head with horror on her face and sat down)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Makes my 200 and something years look like nothing.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) G-d, I hate that bitch! Please, let me kill her! Let it be slow and painful! I'll do anything! I'll even be (makes a disgusted facial expression) NICE to that bloody poof! Just let me kill her!  
  
(Angel notices that Spike appears to be, well, praying, and is very surprised at what he sees.)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) What a sap!  
  
Courtney: (Continues to babble about her dreams) It was my goal, my friends, to use my god powers to imporve the universe we live in! But then, male gods kicked me off of my planet and made it into a place of misery and pain! I, my friends want nothing more then to make sure this planet does not have the same fate. Are you with me?  
  
(No one makes a sound)  
  
Courtney: (Rolls her eyes) You can clap and cheer now!  
  
(Thunderous appaluse and cheers fill the room)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Awww, isn't that cute? She gave the edited version of the story. Awww, looks like she's planning to take over this planet as well. And how cute, her lackies aren't even intelligent enough to question her. They aren't even the least bit suspiciois. And the sad thing is, they're human. Bloody hell, I used to be a human, even I expected more from them! (Realizes that it's Courtney's who's their boss) Then again, if they're stupid enough to listen to her, then why would they be suspicious? G-d, she makes Harmony look like Albert Einstein!  
  
Courtney: (Her voice is very loud and confident, while she does outrageously large hand gestures to emphasize certain points) [However, I do not feel like adding those in, so you will just have to imagine them] Women, it is my idea that we take the world away from those pigs we call men!  
  
(Dead silence)  
  
Courtney: (Slightly annoyed) Once again, feel free to cheer and applaude!  
  
(Thunderous appaluse and cheers fill the room once more)  
  
Courtney: Okay, you can stop now! (Lifts her hand in a "stop" motion)  
  
(Dead silence once again)  
  
Courtney: (Continues her speech) Now, I know that the sooner we take over, the better. However, we are faced with an obstacle. A slayer, if you will. She is a power hungry little…(sees Spike and Angel glaring at her with absoulute hate in their eyes, but really doesn't care) bitch who has been foiling my plans to help the world! Now, you guys know how much I want to help the world, right?  
  
(Dead silence)  
  
Courtney: (Screams at the top of her lungs) TAMMY!!!  
  
(Tammy runs to her from the other side of the room)  
  
Tammy: Yes, Courtney?  
  
Courtney: Go make me an applause and silence sign. That way, I do not have to interrupt my speech.  
  
Tammy: As you wish.  
  
(She looks around the room and asks for a marker. One lady gives her one. She then makes the two signs with looseleaf paper she happened to have in her bag. She then walks over to Courtney and hands her the two papers)  
  
Tammy: Will this work?  
  
Courtney: Um yeah, that's fine. Thanks Tam.  
  
(Notices everyone's blankly staring at her)  
  
Courtney: (Annoyed) What, can't a person be polite every now?  
  
(Dead silence continues to fill the room)  
  
Courtney: Anyway, let me continue. The slayer tried to kill me so she could become ruler of the universe! Of course, this was unacceptable to mew, so I was forced to kill her. But really, it was for the good of the world. Are you with me?  
  
(She holds up the "applause sign," and everyone cheers and claps)  
  
(A minute later, she holds up the "silence sign," and not a sound can be heard)  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) I love these signs!  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) I hate those signs, and I hate her!  
  
Courtney: (Speaks in a fake sounding serious voice) However, a couple of her "lackies" if you will brought her back from the dead. Now, all the good I wish to do, all the women I wish to help, all of it can be ruined if we do not get the slayer and her friends out of the way! (Wicked smirk forms on her face) Besides, someone who's slept with two male vampires certainly can't be good!  
  
(Spike and Angel are now MAD. [REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MAD!] They both change from their human faces to their demon faces and began to break free from the ropes and women holding them down)  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Ok, that's it bitch, you've just sung your death wish!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) How dare she! Ok, I'm with Spike on this one. The bitch is going down.  
  
(Both of them break free and run in the direction towards Courtney. However, just before they reach her, Courtney mutters some words under her breath and makes a stop motion with her had. The both are left frozen in their tracks, glowing)  
  
Courtney: (Very casually) Oh yeah, glow off.  
  
(The glowing stops)  
  
Courtney: (Continues her speech) Sorry about that rude interruption. I mean, ew, how tasteless! Anyway, with your help, I believe that I…I mean we could rule this world and make men pay. What do you say?  
  
(She holds up the applause sign and there is enormous amount of cheering and clapping)  
  
Woman #1: (Very eagerly) Just what type of punishment do you have in mind for those two?  
  
Woman #4: Can we beat them with sticks?  
  
(Everyone stares at her)  
  
Woman #4: What?  
  
Courtney: No, I have some other type of torture in mind. Numbered women, I want you to take those two dikey losers to the cheerbus. I think an eternity at cheer camp will make them pay!  
  
(The four women chuckle evily and grab the two frozen bodies. They leave the crypt and carry them outside. There is a big, pink bus.) [These girls are very strong, so three girls to carry Angel and the strongest girl carryin Spike was enough]  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Cheer camp?!? She doesn't mean, making us use those pom poms, does she? (A horrified look forms on his face) No, nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! Please, anything but that! Mindlessly painful torture, make me drink holy water, hell, I'll even give up blood, just please don't make me cheer!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to herself) We have to warn Buffy, she could be in danger! (Realizes that three girls are carrying him and only one is carrying Spike) Ha ha, only one for poor Spikey. Guess I'm more of a threat! Ha ha! (Sees the bus the girls are carrying him on is colored pink)  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Wait a minute, they're not actually going to make us cheer at cheerleading camp, are they? I thought it would be just mindlessly painful torture, maybe some fire burning, a little holy water, but not that! No, noooooooooo!!!!!!!!  
  
(The girls chuckle evily once more and bring them on the bus. The strap them in matching pink chairs with matching ropes, cahins, and blindfolds. Woman #3 whispers an idea she has to the other 3 women. They laugh and grab 3 bottles of "Tickle me pink" nail polish and a bottle of nail polish remover to remove Spike's balck nail polish.)  
  
Spike: (Thinking to himself) They're NOT going to do to me what I think they are, are they? Oh please G-d., please not that!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Maybe, if I pretend that the pink nailpolish is really holy water buring through my fingers, it won't be so bad. No, who am I kidding? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Woman #1 begins to polish Angel's fingernails while Woman #2 removes his shoes and paints his toe nails. Woman #3 uses the nail polish remover on Spike's fingernails and then begins to paint them pink while Woman #4 removes his shoes paints his toenails)  
  
Back in the crypt…  
  
Courtney: Now, fellow women, I am going to ask you to accompany my four numbered women to cheerleading camp.  
  
WIB: But miss Courtney, we don't have a cheerleader camp yet. All we have is a cheerleader bus!  
  
Courtney: While you guys are driving, I will be conductng a spell that will give us a cheerleading camp. Have I made myself clear?  
  
WIP: Well, if you haven't, I can always speak for you. It's not everyday when you get to hear one of my wonderful speeches…  
  
WIC: Shut up, I want to hear Courtney talk!  
  
WIP: Okay, that's it! Bring it!  
  
WIC: No, I want to hear Courtney talk!  
  
Courtney: (Very angrily) If the two of you DON'T shut up, I will silence you myself! Permanently!  
  
WIC: (Stutters) I'm so, so sorry, your greatness, so, so sorry!  
  
(The WIP just roles her eyes at the WIC)  
  
Courtney: Now, just follow my instructions. Listen to the WIB and the WIM while I'm gone. Just drive to someplace with a nice cliamte as fast as you can, for whenever I do the spell is when the camp will be formed. And it will be formed wherever the bus is.  
  
WIB: Yes your greatness.  
  
Courtney: Now, you may all leave!  
  
(They all exit the door and board the bus, except for Tammy)  
  
Courtney: Ah, Tammy, I need your help more than anyone. Now, I need to do a spell that will make the humans of this planet believe that I rule them. I want women to hate men with a passion. I want the world to do whatever I say. It's for the good of women, after all.  
  
Tammy: I know just the spell. I believe it was used by a short man by the name of Jonathan. You see, I have been researching this place, and I overheard once the slayer and her friends mention a spell that made the world think that that man was sexy, strong, famous, and a hero.  
  
Courtney: (Wicked smile forms on her face) Thats perfect! Tammy, what would I do without you?  
  
Tammy: (Thinks to herself) I know that without her, I'd be carrying coffee to my "fellow cameramen."  
  
Courtney: Now, before I do that, I want to do a spell that will take the slayer's friends out of the picture. I already did that spell on the slayer. Boy, that was fun!  
  
Tammy: (Quietly) Yes Courtney, it certainly was a success. Bringing out all of her weaknesses, what a great idea it was.  
  
Courtney: But honestly, I only have so much patience for these spells. I want my god powers back, you know?  
  
Tammy: (Very nervously)Um, not really.  
  
Courtney: Well, of course you don't know. That's because you've never been a god. Well, my god powers are gone forever, because that stupid Ben just had to get himself killed!  
  
(She takes a deep breath to calm herself)  
  
However, I will make the best of the powers I do have. I remembered how powerful that witch I had been fighting was for a mortal, and I thought to myself that if I ever became mortal, I would want to at least have her powers. Now, I have a plan. Instead of killing her friends, I'll do some spells to make them act weird. That way, they'll be out of the way but can still be used as bait if necessary.  
  
Tammy: On ALL of her friends?  
  
Courtney: Hmmm, that could be hard. Well, most of her friends went to bring her to a mental hospital or something, right?  
  
Tammy: I believe so, why do you ask?  
  
Courtney: (Smiles to herself) Why not give them all a reason for going there?  
  
Tammy: (Shocked by her suggestion) You don't mean…  
  
Courtney: I'm going to play with their minds!  
  
Tammy: And what of the two vampires?  
  
Courtney: (Very wicked smile forms on her face) Two words: Cheerleading mascots. 


	20. I Put a Spell On You and Now You're Mine...

Scene 24: I Put a Spell On You, and Now You're Mine (Part 2)  
  
Okay, sorry if this one seems a bit, well, short. It's just, with all the work I have and writers block and stuff, it's been hard. Don't worry, I'll definitely be updating more often over spring vacation. Enjoy! (  
  
(Courtney and Tammy are the only ones left in Spike's room. However, Tarrance is still in the other room with Connor. Tammy is holding an open spellbook filled with all kinds of mischief!)  
  
Courtney: (Sounds like she's thinking really hard) [hey, she's trying, give the girl a chance!] So, what kind of spell should I put on Buffy's pesky little friends?  
  
Tammy: How about a memory loss spell?  
  
Courtney: Nah, way too overdone. Besides, they'd figure it out eventually.  
  
Tammy: (Very quietly mutters to herself) Not if you do it right!  
  
(However, Courtney doesn't hear her)  
  
Courtney: Maybe I can turn them into animals. That would be pretty cool!  
  
Tammy: (Says it very quickly) Also totally unoriginal.  
  
Courtney: Hmm, good point, good point.  
  
(She attempts to ponder and think)  
  
Tammy: (Says it very "matter of factly")Why don't you just kill them? They are your enemies, after all!  
  
Courtney: (Slightly annoyed) Hey, did somebody push a button on your talking buzzer? I don't think so! They need to suffer! And who would we use as bait to keep our new "mascots" at cheercamp?  
  
Tammy: (Becomes quiet again) I, I just thought tha, that it would be better if we killed your enemies and told the two guys you had brought to the new home base that they were alive, thing would be a whole lot easier.  
  
Courtney: (Annoyed tone) Don't think, just listen and obey! (Calms down a little) I trust you Tammy. I need someone who can follow directions without screwing them up. Besides, you're very handy with the spells. Just don't forget that if it wasn't for me, you'd be bringing coffee to a bunch of men who are too lazy to get off their own fat asses!  
  
Tammy: (Very quietly) Ye, yes Courtney.  
  
Courtney: Now, I thought of a spell that is TOTALLY original and lots of fun to watch. It's like what I did to Buffy, only not as complicated. I'm going to take a bad quality out of that race you call humans and give one to each and every one of them!  
  
Tammy: But don't they already have bad aspects to them?  
  
Courtney: (Smug smile forms on her face) But with this spell, it will be their only quality!  
  
Tammy: (Very awkwardly) Um, that's um, that's um, good, very good. Great idea.  
  
Courtney: And now I will begin!  
  
(Alright, if you don't remember, Buffy was acting all freaky before and Xander, Cordelia, Dawn, Cliff, and Faith are all bringing her to a hospital. While all of the Courtney stuff is going on, Xander is attempting to find a hospital with a decent psychiatric ward. On the way, they manage to get lost. Very lost! And guess what? They're out of gas! [What a coincidence!] Xander and Cliff get out of the car to see if they have any spare gas. However, while Cliff is looking through the trunk for some gas, Xander happens to notice something…different about his car)  
  
[NOTE: I HAD THIS IDEA BEFORE THE LAST EPISODE! SORRY IF IT'S TOO SIMILAR OR NOT SIMILAR ENOUGH, BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE CHANGING IT]  
  
Oh yeah, when you see Courtney murmering a spell, she's doing it at the crypt! (  
  
Xander: (Completely panicked voice) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  
  
Cordelia: (Really worried) What?  
  
Xander: (Stutters) M, ma, maa, myie car!!!  
  
Missy: What's wrong with it? Someone give you a flat tire?  
  
(However, Xander is in shock and not even listening to her)  
  
Xander: (Freaking out) There's a dent, big dent on car!  
  
Cliff: Really? I don't see a dent.  
  
Xander: (Points to a very small, unnoticeable little dot the size of a pencil eraser) The car, the car, big dent, big dent...  
  
(Cordelia groans with dread, remembering what she had done in her search for Connor before)  
  
Cordelia: Listen, Xander, when, when I was looking for Connor and couldn't find him, I, I sort of freaked and kicked your car.  
  
Courtney: (Murmers spell) [okay, the spells are going to be in english, because I want you guys to know what she's doing] Humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. Animal like, is all I can see, so an animal like you shall be!  
  
(He begins to glow)  
  
(Back at the car)  
  
Xander: (Rage building up in his eyes) YOU WHAT?!?  
  
Cordelia: (Very upset with Xander's reaction) I, I didn't mean to, I swear. If you want, I can pay for the damage.  
  
Cliff: (In complete cluelessness) What damage?  
  
Xander: (In rage) I'll kill you for this!!!!!!  
  
(He jumps in the car and grabs Cordelia's neck. However, before he can actually choke her, Missy grabs his arms and ties them like a pretzel behind his back) [ow!]  
  
Missy: What the hell's your problem, Xander?  
  
Courtney: (Murmurs spell) Humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. A childish sense of humor is what you use, so I deem on you the childish blues!  
  
(He begins to glow)  
  
Cliff: (Smiles triumphantly) Uh oh, Missy is breaking the bet. It looks like I win. (Sticks his tongue out and wiggles his fingers) Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!  
  
Courntey: (Murmers spell) Humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. You are sometimes frightened, though you hide it well, so now you're doomed to be scared like you're in hell!  
  
(She begins to glow)  
  
Missy: (Very nervously) No I wasn't I was just, um, kidding with the guy. You know, nothing better than being tied up like a pretzel, eh Xander? (she elbows him in the ribs)  
  
(Xander growls)  
  
Missy: (Nervously laughs) See, what a kidder.  
  
Missy: (mutters to Xander angerly) Listen, there's no way I'm losing this bet and that BMW, so shut up and get over the freaking dent!  
  
Courtney: (Murmers spell) Humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. Once shallow and cruel you were, I call upon the spirts for this to once again occur!  
  
(She begins to glow)  
  
Cordelia: (Begins to whine) Look what you did, you loser! My skirt, completely wrinkled and ruined!  
  
(Xander growls at her menancingly)  
  
Missy: (In a worried voice) You don't want to make him mad. He's a guy. He, he could hurt us!  
  
Cordelia: (Rolled her eyes) Whatever. Say, got any eye shadow? Mine is beginning to flake off.  
  
(Takes a good look at Missy)  
  
Cordelia: (Snobily) No, I guess you wouldn't have eye shadow.  
  
Courtney: (Murmurs spell) Humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. Little girl, trying to be all mean and tough. Well, let me help you call your bluff.  
  
(She begins to glow) [I have a thing for glowing, okay?!?]  
  
Dawn: Hey, little miss priss, if you let me punch you in the eye, you won't need any eye shadow!  
  
(Xander continues to growl)  
  
Cliff: (In a high, squeaky voice) Tee hee, zhat's funni!  
  
Buffy: (Dazed out expression on her face) The voices, the voices, they're all telling me things, but I don't want to hear them!  
  
Dawn: Will you shut up about the voices? No one gives a crap about them!  
  
Cordelia: (Airhead like) Seriously, those were SO last season.  
  
Missy: (Nervously stutters) Vo, vo, voices? I'm sc, scared of voices!  
  
Cliff: (Very happily) Voices are silly!  
  
Buffy: (She pouts) No they're not! They're mean!  
  
Missy: (Stutters nervously) And, and ver, very sc, scary!  
  
(Xander continues to growl menacingly and attempts to escape from his "pretzel position.")  
  
Cordelia: (Looks at Dawn. Speaks very snobily to her) Say, little girl, would YOU happen to have some makeup?  
  
Dawn: (Meanly laughs) Makeup? Makeup? I don't carry no makeup, cause unlike you, you slut, I don't need it!  
  
Cordelia: (Outraged in a ditzy sort of way) You did NOT just call me what I think you did!  
  
Dawn: Oh you better believe it sister!  
  
Cordelia: (Outraged in a ditzy sort of way) Ok, that's it! Bring it On!  
  
Dawn: It's already been brought, babe!  
  
(The both crawl out of the car and Dawn jumps on top of Cordelia. Cordelia tries to scratch her with her nails, kick her with her heels, or bite her, while Dawn's more for simple, hard punches and kicks)  
  
Missy: (Very worried) Oh, no, they may get hurt or killed!  
  
Buffy: (Nervously) I didn't do it! It wasn't my fault, I was just listening to the voices!  
  
Cliff: Tee hee, you guys are tho silly!  
  
(Xander is still attempting to escape, and this time, he succeeds! He goes to go outside, but manages to step on Cliff's shoes before he gets out of the car)  
  
Cliff: (Outraged, in a six year old sort of way) Hey, you ruined ma shosies! Now I'm going to have to tell my mommy!  
  
(Xander growls at him and runs out into the forest. He bites off the head of a bunny and chases after the birds and bugs) [think of Xander in the hyena episode]  
  
Cliff: Wait, I wanna play! (Looks at fighting Dawn and Cordelia)  
  
Cliff: Can I go play with the silly puppy?  
  
(However, Cordelia isn't listening to him. She's too busy fighting with Dawn)  
  
Cordelia: (Very snobily) Ah, get off of me, you bitch!!!  
  
Dawn: Aww, has the prissy little cheerleader wannabe had enough?  
  
Cliff: (Begins to whine) I waaaanna play whiph the puppy!  
  
Cordelia: Huh?  
  
Dawn: (Wicked grin on her face) Sure kid, go right ahead. Oh, and remember to play with the animals with sharp teeth and only to eat whatever you find on the ground that's dirty.  
  
Cliff: (Big grin on his face) Okay! (He skips merrily into the forest to find his cousin, "the puppy")  
  
(Cordelia pushes Dawn off of her)  
  
Cordelia: (Air head like) Ew, who was that guy? He had such bad fashion sense!  
  
Dawn: I know. Man, what a loser!  
  
Cordelia: Yeah, looks like they'll let just about any freak into Sunnyhell!  
  
Dawn: You'd think that there'd be at least one decent looking guy in Sunnydale, you know? One who hasn't graduated from "mad ugly school!"  
  
Cordelia: (Chimes in) And has actual fashion sense!  
  
Dawn: And has plenty of muscles.  
  
Cordelia: With plenty of money.  
  
Dawn: And an attitude!  
  
Cordelia: (Adds in) Oh yeah, and worships the ground I walk on!  
  
Buffy: (Mutters to herself in the car) No, no you don't! Bad, bad…  
  
(Dawn and Cordelia look inside the car window to see Buffy talking to herself)  
  
Dawn: (With an attitude)Um, what's that girl's deal anyway?  
  
Cordelia: (Very airheady) I know, it's so like 80's!  
  
Dawn: (Monotony) Say, you wouldn't happen to have any cigis on you, would you?  
  
Cordelia: (In disgust) Ew, of course not! Do you know what those do to your teeth and breath?  
  
Dawn: Hey, it's gotta smell better then yours!  
  
Cordelia: Okay, that's it! I'm not going to be pushed around by some 13 year old fashion victim!  
  
Dawn: (Very offended) Hey, who the hell are you calling 13! I'm 15, thank you very much!  
  
Missy: (Stutters out of nervousness) Co, could yu guys st, stop fighting? I'm scared! The guys left, and we're all alone in th, the woods! We need to get out of here! The animals may attack us!  
  
Buffy: (In her own little spaced out world) No, no, stay away! You're an animal! You both are!  
  
Missy: (Begins to shriek) S, se, see! She can sense the animals!  
  
Dawn: Hey, get over it!  
  
Cordelia: What is like, wrong with you? We need to find those, like really unfashionable guys that were with us. Where'd they go?  
  
Dawn: (Very casually) Saw them go into the woods. They'll probably get eaten by a bear or something. Or get killed by rabid wolves.  
  
Missy: (Begins to cry) We're going to die! The animals!  
  
Buffy: (With no emotion) Death surrounds me. I am death. I bring nothing but death.  
  
Dawn: Then let's get rid of the blond!  
  
(Cordelia and Missy look at her in disgust and shock)  
  
Dawn: Hey, she said it herself!  
  
Back at the crypt:  
  
Courtney: This is great! Those Chad and Xavier losers are lost in the woods…  
  
Tammy: (Mutters to herself) Cliff and Xander…  
  
Courtney: That Missy bitch looks completely pathetic, that pain in the ass key is now hated by everyone, Cordelia is a shallow snob, and Buffy's completely nuts! Isn't revenge sweet?  
  
Tammy: Ye, yes, your greatness.  
  
Courtney: Say, let's go someplace more comfortable. I'm almost ready for the last part of the spell…  
  
Tammy: (Voice becomes panicky) Wh, what?!? Why don't we stay in here? It's so um, so, um, unique…  
  
(However, Courtney is not listening and walks into the living room. She sees Torrance holding the baby)  
  
Courtney: (Complete outrage) YOU! YOU'RE HERE! IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT ASSHOLE TRIED TO BEAT ME UP!  
  
Tammy: (Thinks to herself) Correction, he did beat you up.  
  
(Courtney notices the baby. She knows that someone had a kid, she just can't remember who. However, she sees the baby's blue pajamas and notices all the blue accessories. She puts 2 and 2 together and realizes the baby is male)  
  
Courtney: A baby?!? A boy baby at that! (Very angrily) WHO'S IS IT?  
  
Torrance: (Speaking in a child like voice) Dollies never grow old. I don't like my dollies!  
  
Courtney: Hey, answer me when I speak to you!  
  
(Tammy knows that the baby is Angel's)  
  
Tammy: (Quickly thinks of something to tell Courtney) Um Courtney, I believe that baby belongs to Torrance. And according to your rules, only children can be taken away from men.  
  
Courtney: (Very disappointed) Damn it! That majorly sucks! Aw well, I can still put a spell on her…  
  
Tammy: (Very quickly) Not necessary. She's already crazy. Lets leave her be. Save your rage for those two men who you sent to cheer camp. They're the ones who hurt you. This girl has done nothing. Remember, we're against men, not women.  
  
Courtney: How dare you give me orders!  
  
Tammy: (Quickly begins to stutter and speak quietly) Sorry your greatness, it was not my place to tell you that.  
  
Courtney: (Takes a deep breath to calm herself down) Apology accepted. Now, I'll leave her be, if only to save my energy. Now, the spell!  
  
(Tammy pulls a piece of paper from her pocket)  
  
Tammy: Got it at a garage sale. A really short guy by the name of Jonathan was trying to get rid of it. I figured, why not buy it? It looked interesting enough.  
  
Courtney: And believe me, it's a good thing you bought it. World domination, her I come!  
  
(She says the spell. Everything turns black. A minute later, Courtney and Tammy are in Wisconsin with the cheer bus. But now, there is a huge camp filled with cheerleaders)  
  
Next chapter, you will get to read about Spike and Angel's adventures at cheerleading camp!  
  
Also, that was the 1st half of the story. Whew! I may decide to put the 2nd half on another link, so you may not see any more chapters on this one. I haven't decided.  
  
Next half hopefully will be as funny and with some plot. Hopefully, you guys realize that much of this piece is a parody and making fun of other fanfictions as well as Glory and Buffy. I am beginning to forgive Buffy though, so MAYBE I'll be a little bit nicer to her. (  
  
By the way, I'd REALLY like it if you guys would read some of my other stories.  
  
My Rocky Horror crossover and Ask Joyce column are both comedies. (So is Yeah, it's Santa Clause, but that's all Rocky Horror)  
  
I also wrote a poem. It's called I Am No Where. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
It doesn't have any reviews. ( 


	21. Hell, cheerleading camp, is there a diff...

Scene 25: Cheeleading camp, Hell, is there a difference?  
  
(Okay, soooooooooo sorry I haven't updated. I'm just a lazy bum who is too busy reading the fanfiction to actually write it! And did I mention that I'm just plain lazy?)  
  
(Also, I want you to know that I spent an hour looking up the song lyrics to How Lovely to Be a Woman. Sadly, no success. You'll see why as you read why I wanted them. Had to listen to the song on video in order to get them right!)  
  
(Courtney has just conducted the spell. Suddenlly, she and Tammy are at a huge cheerleading camp in Wisconsin. They are standing right outside its doors. The cheerbus is parked right next to them)  
  
Courtney: (Talking to Tammy) Ahhhh, the sounds of cheers in the morning. It's almost as comforting as the sounds of screams…  
  
(A very loud scream comes out of the pink cheerbus)  
  
Spike: (Terrified beyond belief) Nooo, nooo, anything but the sparkles!!!!  
  
Courtney: (Chuckles) Notice how I stressed the word "almost"?  
  
Tammy: (Mutters to herself) No shit, sherlock. (Thinks for a second) Wait, how could that guy scream if the spell silenced him?  
  
Courtney: (Completely unaware of what Tammy just said) Say, do me a favor. Go to the main office and let them know that their leader is here. Tell them to set up a banquet in my honor. PRONTO!  
  
Tammy: (Stutters) Ye, yes, Cou, Cour, Courtney.  
  
(She opens the doors [which are quite heavy, I may add] and runs into the camp However, as soon as she's out of Courtney's sight, she takes the beer from her bag and sits down on one of the benches)  
  
Meanwhile…  
  
(Courtney knocks on the cheerbus doors and comes on the bus. Everyone drops what they are doing and bows) [They literally drop what they are doing! The ladies holding Spike let go of him and there is a loud thump on the floor]  
  
Spike: (Very grumpily) Oh, bloody hell, that hurt!  
  
(Courtney ignores his complaining)  
  
Courtney: (VERY ANGRILY) LADIES, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?  
  
WIB: (Very nervous) Of what, your Absolute Greatness?  
  
Courtney: WHY IS MY CHEERLEADING CAMP AND RULING GROUND IN WISCONSIN?!?!? I WANTED IT TO BE IN FLORIDA OR CALIFORNIA OR THE CARRIBEAN!  
  
(The WIB looks directly at the WIM)  
  
WIB: I told you we made the wrong turn!  
  
WIM: (Shocked) Me? I didn't even say a word this entire trip!  
  
WIB: Excuses, excuses!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) If she wanted it to be in California, why the hell didn't she just leave us tied up at Spike's crypt? Or left us tied up on the cheerbus right in front of the crypt?  
  
(However, Spike is not for keeping his opinions to himself)  
  
Spike: You stupid bint! What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't even take over the world properly! And as for your (makes quotation signs with his fingers) cheercamp, how the hell did you think it was going to get to the Carribean? Hello, ocean!  
  
Courtney: (VERY ANGRILY) YOU SHUT UP!  
  
Spike: Even your spells don't work properly! One minute I can't talk, the next I can. One minute everything is glowy, the next everything is black.G- d, you're an insult to all that is evil!  
  
(Courtney is red with rage. She looks almost like a tomato)  
  
Angel: Sorry Courtney, but the moron's right.  
  
Spike: Yeah! (Realizes Angel just called him a moron) Hey!  
  
Courtney: (FURIOUSLY) THAT'S IT! I'M SO SICK OF TAKING THIS CRAP FROM YOU TWO! ESPECIALLY FROM YOU!!!!!  
  
(She points at Spike and continues to babble)  
  
DO YOU THINK I LIKE DOING THIS SPELL CRAP? HELL NO! I WAS A FREAKING GOD! THESE SPELLS TAKE FOREVER, DAMMIT! WHEN I HAD MY GOD POWERS, I COULD HAVE TAKEN OVER THIS PLANET WITH THE FLICK OF MY WRIST. BUT NO, YOU AND YOUR STUPID SLAYER HAD TO RUIN THAT FOR ME, DIDN'T YOU? HAD TO GO KILL MY ALTER EGO BEN, DIDN'T YOU? AND OH MY G-D, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS SPELL CRAP IS? NONE OF MY SPELLS SEEM TO LAST! IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT TAMMY GIRL, MY SPELL TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD WOULD HAVE BEEN SCREWED. AND LET ME JUST SAY, THAT'S MORE CREDIT THAN I CARE TO SHARE WITH A HUMAN!  
  
(By now, all the women are staring at her in shock)  
  
(Courtney takes a deep breath and continues)  
  
Courtney: I'm calm, I'm calm. Ladies, sorry about that. Must have been the lack of air.  
  
WIC: The magnificent Courtney must have air!  
  
WIB: Should we leave, oh great one, that way you will have more air and space?  
  
WIM: And don't blame me if anything goes wrong!  
  
(Courtney and the WIB stare at her blankly)  
  
WIM: (Embarrassed, she mutters to herself) Never mind.  
  
Courtney: Anyway, I want all of you to make sure that the decorations for my banquet are set up. Oh, and make sure that the cheerleaders are all there. We must create the laws of this new world.  
  
WIB: Yes, oh fantastic one.  
  
(She and the rest of the others open the doors and exit the bus. It happenes to be sunny out, and one of the sun's rays happens to hit Spike and he begins to sizzle)  
  
Spike: Hey, watch it! Close that door!  
  
(They ignore his comments as they exit one by one)  
  
Angel: Wait, don't you guys realize she's controling you? Doesn't the fact that she used to be an evil hell god disturb you?  
  
Spike: Not to mention that she's molding the world and everyone's minds to her wants and needs! Come on, think if there's something in your heads that can do that!  
  
(One of the women looks at him with a dazed out expression on her face)  
  
Anonymous woman: (No expression in her voice) Courtney is our leader. She is the greatest. All hail Courtney. We all bow down before her. We are cheerleaders. We rule the world. She rules us all.  
  
(All of the women leave the bus and slam the door shut)  
  
Courtney: They're under MY power, as you can see. Actually, the whole world is under my spell, except for you two guys and Tammy. And believe me, Tammy wouldn't dream of double crossing me.  
  
9However, Spike and Angel have been ignoring her)  
  
Spike: Peaches, do you hear something?  
  
Angel: Not a thing my childe, do you?  
  
Courtney: OKAY, THAT'S IT! YOU GUYS HAVE GOTTEN ON MY LAST NERVES! I WAS GOING TO MAKE YOU GUYS MASCOTS, BUT…  
  
Angel: Gee, what a shame. Guess you'll just have to mindlessly torture us instead.  
  
Spike: (Enthusisatically lifs his fist in the air) Yes! Holy water and sunlight, here I come!  
  
Courtney: (A wicked smile forms on her face) BUT, SINCE YOU TWO DIKEY LOSERS HAVE BEEN SUCH PAINS IN THE ASS, I'VE DECIDED TO MAKE YOU SUFFER EVEN FURTHER!  
  
Angel: What are you going to do, yell at us until we go deaf?  
  
Courtney: (Talks in a very haughty tone) It just so happens that I happen to have your friends under a spell that could get them killed.  
  
Spike: (In a very innocent voice) Friends, what friends?  
  
Courtney: Oh, don't act like you don't know!  
  
Spike: Wow, she actually figured that one out, Peaches. Shock, faint, gasp.  
  
Angel: Hey Spike?  
  
Spike: Yeah?  
  
Angel: Stop calling me Peaches.  
  
Courntey: THAT ENOUGH!  
  
Spike: Oooooh, now she's mad. Help, ah, help!  
  
Courtney: It just so happens that your precious little slayer is, oh how shall we say, torn apart.  
  
(Spike suddenly stops laughing and hatefully glares at her)  
  
Spike: What the hell did you do to her?  
  
(She ignores Spike and begins talking to Angel)  
  
Courntey: MPD Angel, real good guess. Actually, I brought out all of her alto egos, all of her faults, and they're slowly driving her insane. Not that she isn't already a psyco…  
  
(Before she can even finish her sentence Spike jumps up and pushes Courtney to the floor. The chip doesn't activate, and punches her in the nose, breaking it once more. He goes to punch her in the jaw, but this time she is ready for him and grabs his arm. She realizes that she's strong again and she pushes Spike really hard across the room.)  
  
Courtney: (Overly excited) Yes, yes! They're back, they're back!  
  
Angel: What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Spike: Maybe her brain cells. (A pause) Nah.  
  
Courtney: (Talks to them as if they're idiots for not knowing what she means) My god powers are back, you dikey loser! The spell, it gave me world domination, including my god powers!  
  
(A very worrie dexpression comes over Angel's face. However, Spike is a little more…..blunt)  
  
Spike: Oh crap!  
  
(Courtney grins evily)  
  
Courtney: So, looks like the cards have turned. I no longer have to use this stupid spell book!  
  
Courtney: (Thinks to herself) Wait, I better not underestimate them. I'll keep the spell book for now, I guess. Besides, with the spell book, I can turn them into frogs, or furry puppies!  
  
Courtney: I tell you what. I won't hurt your precious little slayer and your friends if…  
  
Angel: If what?  
  
(Courtney grins evily once more)  
  
Courtney: If you agree to do whatever I say.  
  
Angel: That would be?  
  
Spike: Oh crap!  
  
Courtney: You guys aren't going to be mascots. Nope, you're going to be cheerleaders!  
  
Spike: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Angel: Cheerleading? You mean, that thing Cordelia used to be? ME?!? In THAT cult?  
  
Courtney: It just so happens that it is NOT a cult, it is a way of life for the popular and beautiful. Besides, don't you have a thing for ex. cheerleaders?  
  
(Angel glares at her hatefully)  
  
Courtney: Speaking of which, you should have seen the spells I did to your friends. Oh, Buffy gets all of her faults and problems, but with the others, I made them one sided. (Speaks tauntingly to Angel) Poor Cordelia, now she's a cheerleading bitch once again. No other side to her. Just a shallow, self absorbed, daddy gir…  
  
(Angel changes into game face and goes to hit her, but she uses her powers and pushes him forcefully into the wall)  
  
Courtney: I love my powers!  
  
Spike: Listen here blondy, if you don't take that spell off of Buffy, I WILL rip your freaking throat out. I will tear you apart from limb to limb and then tie up your entails until they're one big knot!  
  
Angel: Uh yeah, same here!  
  
(Courtney laughs)  
  
Courtney: Oh I highly doubt that. With my powers, you can't touch me! I'll play your game, though. Now, I said I wouldn't kill your friends and precious slayer if you stayed and did whatever I said. I never mentined removal of the spell. But I'm willing to negotiate, for a price…  
  
Angel: Name it.  
  
Courtney: (Huge grin forms on her face) Well, in order to become a cheerleader, you have to get in touch with your feminim side.  
  
Spike: Don't have one.  
  
Courtney: Well you'd better find one, for you guys are going to be cheering here for a LONG time.  
  
Angel: Say, aren't there males who do cheer?  
  
Courtney: Yes, if that's what you want to call them.  
  
Spike: Oh G-d, you're not going to put me in a room with gay cheerleading boys, are you?  
  
Courtney: Didn't even think of that, thanks for the idea.  
  
(Angel elbows Spike in the ribs)  
  
Spike: Ow, what did you do that for?  
  
Angel: Thanks a lot, William!  
  
Courtney: Ok guys, settle down. Now, here's the first step to your cheerleading program. You're going to have to prove to me right now that you're in touch with your feminim side.  
  
Spike: No bloody way!  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Even now, I can't stop saying it!  
  
(All of a sudden, Courtney pulls on a string and a movie screen appears. She puts it on, showing them Buffy and her friends in the car)  
  
(Angel lifts one of his eyebrows)  
  
Angel: Where did that come from, and how did you manage to get a camera there when you conducted the spell at Spike's crypt?  
  
Courtney: Because this is fanfiction! How else do you think you guys can all of a sudden speak, I suddenly got my god powers back, I didn't even mention my nose that was broken again, you know that I was in Spike's crypt performing the spell, we're in Wisconsin, for christ sake, and you're in a cheerleading camp from the cheerleaders of Bring It On!  
  
Angel: Not to mention that my character is way too lame in this story.  
  
(Spike and Courtney roll their eyes)  
  
Spike: Yeah sure poof, whatever you say.  
  
Courtney: Also, Buffy and her bratty little sister are nothing like the way they're portrayed in this story.  
  
Spike: Oh, and don't forget that I look like a complete weakling and idiot in this story.  
  
(The three of them laugh for about a minute)  
  
Courtney: Okay, that's enough of that!  
  
(The laughter stops)  
  
Spike: Yep.  
  
Angel: Where were we?  
  
Courtney: We were up to the part where you forgo horrible humilation to save your girlfriends.  
  
Angel: Oh yeah.  
  
Spike: So, what do we have to do?  
  
Courtney: Sing about how wonderful it is to be a woman. Oh, and use plenty of emotion. Dancing doesn't hurt either.  
  
Angel: NO BLOODY WAY!  
  
Angel: Oh bloody hell, now I'm talking like him! Oh, bloody hell, I mean, oh bloody hell, I mean noooo!!!!!!!!  
  
Spike: Thanks mate, I think I'm cured now!  
  
Angel: But I'm bloody not! Nooooooo!  
  
Courtney: Okay, if I don't hear singing in the next five minutes, I'll have Buffy relive her mother's death!  
  
(All of a sudden, music conveniently plays in the background and Spike begins to sing)  
  
Spike: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and oh bloody hell, do I have to say it! (The music abruptly stops)  
  
Courtney: (Very airheady) Um, yeah!  
  
Spike: Oh bloody hell! Oh great, now I'm saying it again!  
  
Angel: Did I mention that I hate you?  
  
Spike: Just wait until it's your turn to sing Angel, just wait…  
  
Courtney: Hop to it!  
  
(Music stars all over, and so does his song)  
  
Spike:  
  
I feel pretty,  
  
Oh so pretty,  
  
I feel pretty and witty and gay,  
  
And I pity  
  
Any girl who isn't me today.  
  
I feel charming,  
  
Oh so charming,  
  
It's alarming how charming I feel,  
  
And so pretty  
  
That I hardly can believe I'm real.  
  
See the pretty girl in that mirror there:  
  
Who can that attractive girl be?  
  
Such a pretty face,  
  
Such a pretty dress,  
  
Such a pretty smile,  
  
Such a pretty me!  
  
I feel stunning  
  
And entrancing,  
  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
  
For I'm loved  
  
By a pretty wonderful boy!  
  
(All of a sudden, he has back up voices singing along with him)  
  
Girls:  
  
Have you met my good friend Spike,  
  
The craziest girl on the block?  
  
You'll know her the minute you see her,  
  
She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.  
  
She thinks she's in love.  
  
She thinks she's in Spain.  
  
She isn't in love,  
  
She's merely insane.  
  
It must be the heat  
  
Or some rare disease,  
  
Or too much to eat  
  
Or maybe it's weed.  
  
Keep away from her,  
  
Send for Angel!  
  
This is not the Spike we know!  
  
Modest and pure,  
  
Polite and refined,  
  
Well-bred and mature,  
  
And out of her mind!  
  
Miss America! Speech! Speech!  
  
Maria:  
  
I feel pretty,  
  
Oh so pretty  
  
That the city should give me its key.  
  
A committee  
  
Should be organized to honor me.  
  
I feel dizzy,  
  
I feel sunny,  
  
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,  
  
And so pretty,  
  
Miss America can just resign!  
  
Girls:  
  
See the pretty girl in that mirror there:  
  
What mirror where?  
  
Who can that attractive girl be?  
  
(Which? What? Where? Whom?)  
  
Such a pretty face,  
  
Such a pretty dress,  
  
(Whommm? Whommm? )  
  
Such a pretty smile,  
  
Such a pretty me!  
  
(Whommm?)  
  
I feel stunning  
  
And entrancing,  
  
Feel like running and dancing for joy,  
  
For I'm loved  
  
By a pretty wonderful boy!  
  
[sorry if the name Maria is still in there, but I don't feel like rechecking, so aw well.]  
  
(He begins to twirl like a ballerina, but it doesn't work out to well and he falls flat on his ass)  
  
Spike: Not even going to say it! I'm going to think of another curse word to mutter. "Oh, dammit!"  
  
(By now, Angel and Courtney are hysterically laughing. Especially Angel. He actually turns red and gasps for air, even though he obviously doesn't need to.  
  
(Spike is pissed, and a dead serious expression comes across his face)  
  
Okay Peaches, it's your turn!  
  
Angel: I thought I told not to call me that!  
  
Spike: Yeah, like I'd listen to you. Come on Peaches, you know you want to.  
  
Courtney: Unless you'd like Cordelia to stay a bitch permanetly.  
  
(Angel growls at her)  
  
Angel: Oh, what the hell.  
  
Spike: Now you're talking  
  
(Angel ignores himand sings the most girly song her can think of)  
  
When you're a skinny child of 15  
  
Wired with braces from ear to ear  
  
You doubt that you will ever be appealing  
  
Then hallelujah, you are 16  
  
And the braces dissapear  
  
And your skin is smoothe and clear  
  
And you have that happy grownup female feeling  
  
How lovely to be a woman  
  
The wait was well worth while  
  
How lovely to wear mascara  
  
And smile awoman's smile  
  
How lovely to have a figure that's round instead of flat  
  
Whenever you hear boys whistle, you're what they're whistling at  
  
It's wondeful to feel, the way a woman feels  
  
It gives you such a glow, just to know  
  
That you're wearing lipstick and heels  
  
How lovely to be a woman  
  
And have one job to do  
  
To pick out a boy and train him  
  
And then when you are through  
  
You've made him the man you want him to be  
  
How lovely to be a woman like me  
  
How wonderful to know  
  
The things a woman knows  
  
How marvelous to wait for a date  
  
In simply beautiful clothes  
  
How lovely to be a woman  
  
And change from boys to men  
  
To go to a fancy nightclub  
  
And stay out till after 10  
  
How lovely to be so grown up and free  
  
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!  
  
Spike: Okay, that was a priceless moment!  
  
Angel: Shut up, boy!  
  
Spike: Aw, looks like someone's a little insecure about his sexuality!  
  
Angel: Hey, at least I didn't enjoy it!  
  
Spike: Hey, I wasn't enjoying it! It was, um…(tries to think of an excuse) it was the magic in the song, that's all.  
  
Courtney: I think we're going to have a lot of fun here at cheercamp!  
  
Angel: Can we just walk outside right now and be killed by sunlight instead?  
  
Spike: And go to hell? Yeah, hell would be okay.  
  
Angel: Come on Courtney, show some mercy!  
  
Courtney: Hmmm, I'll think about it…no!  
  
Spike: Damn!  
  
Courtney: Now, I'm getting bored with this scene. We're going to go to the banquet hall. No funny stuff, or the spell stays on your friends forever.  
  
Angel: How can we trust you?  
  
Courtney: What choice do you have?  
  
Angel: Okay, just double checking.  
  
Courtney: Oh, and don't worry about the sunlight, boys. I wouldn't want to kill you. You'll only be cheering at night games.  
  
(Spike and Angel sigh in relief)  
  
Courtney: In front of 1000's and 1000's including vampires. Oh, and we'll focus all the lights on you.  
  
(Spike and Angel moan)  
  
Courtney: (Overly cheerful) And look, it's almost sundown. The fun's about to begin!  
  
(Next chapter will either be about them or Cliff and Xander. Haven't decided) 


	22. Removing the spell, sort of...

Scene 26: Removing the spell…sort of  
  
(Okay, this one's going to be really short. Once again, I just haven't been in the mood to write lately. But I'm still brainstorming ideas. I'm only going to be updating once a week. Twice if you're lucky)  
  
(Angel, Spike, and Courtney are still on the cheerbus. There has been awkward silence for the past minute. Suddenly, Courtney chooses to interrupt it)  
  
Courtney: Ok, do you guys prefer chicken or fish?  
  
Angel: Huh?  
  
Courtney: At my banquet, you have the choice of fish or chicken. I don't serve red meat or icky blood.  
  
Spike: Then how the bloody hell are we supposed to eat?  
  
Angel: Shut up, William! We could have starved to death if you hadn't opened your big mouth!  
  
Courtney: Actually, I didn't even notice. Thanks for pointing that out!  
  
Spike: Oh bloody hell Peaches, I hate you!  
  
Courtney: You know guys, I'm sensing a lot of tension here. Do you want to talk about it?  
  
Angel: Actually, I've been told that I do need to share my feelings. It's supposed to be therapeutic.  
  
(Courtney rolls her eyes)  
  
Courtney: (In an airheady voice) I was just kidding, duh!  
  
(If Angel could blush, he would of)  
  
Angel: Um, me too. Yeah, all a joke. Ha ha.  
  
(Spike lifts his eyebrows)  
  
Spike: Wait, blondie, didn't you say that if we did what you said, you'd take off the spell?  
  
(Courtney shrugs her shoulders)  
  
Courtney: Um, so?  
  
Spike: Well, we both sang the songs! Now you keep your end of the bargain and remove the spell!  
  
Courtney: (Condescendingly) Wait, when did YOU get the right to tell me what to do? Besides, you guys haven't even begun.  
  
Angel: WHAT?!? I sang that, that horrible song and it doesn't even count!  
  
Spike: (Smug smile appears on his face) Oh, I wouldn't say that.  
  
Angel and Courtney: Huh?  
  
Spike: Proved that A: You'd do anything to save your cheerleader…  
  
Angel: Well, yeah…  
  
Spike: B: You're a bisexual transvestite wannabe…  
  
Angel: Well, yea…(realized what Spike just said) HEY!  
  
(Spike ignores him)  
  
Spike: C: And you can't sing for your life!  
  
Angel: Hey, I wouldn't be one to talk, William! In case you've forgotten about the old days when I was Angelus and we…  
  
(If Spike could blush, he would)  
  
Spike: Shut up, Si…I mean, Peaches.  
  
Courtney: Oooooooo, I sense an extremely interesting story that would embarrass poor Spike terribly. Angel, tell it at dinner.  
  
(A small smirk passes Angel's lips, but only for a second)  
  
Angel: Sure Courtney, whatever you say!  
  
Spike: (Very alarmed) Sire, you wouldn't! All those cheerboys would go after me!  
  
Angel: Um, so?  
  
Spike: Bastard! (He jumps on top of Angel and punches him right in the face) Angel's face changes, and he pushes Spike off of him. They continue to fight, until Angel gets Spike cornered)  
  
Angel: I always win William, always.  
  
Spike: Fuck you, Angelus!  
  
(A mischievous gleam appears in Angel's eyes)  
  
Spike: Oh not that way, you sick bastard!  
  
(By now, Courtney is cracking up. However, she doesn't want them to kill each other, so she goes behind Angel and throws him across the room)  
  
Courtney: You guys are going to be sooo much fun to torture! Oh, and by the way Spike, I know the cheer boys, and they have a serious thing for blond hair and blue eyes.  
  
(Spike becomes pale in terror and groans)  
  
Courtney: (Talks very sweetly) Aw look how badly poor Spikey is suffering. And all for his slayer. How sweet. It's tragic that you'll never be able to see her again.  
  
(Her voice becomes cruel and scruffy) BECAUSE YOU AND ANGEL ARE GOING TO BE AT CHEERCAMP UNTIL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS DEAD! Spike: (Shocked and furious) WHAT?!?!?!?!?  
  
Angel: Wait, I thought you said you'd kill our friends if we didn't do whatever you said.  
  
Courtney: (Talks to him like he's a retard) Duh! Like, I already said that! If you guys don't do whatever I say, I'll kill them. What I say is that you guys must stay here until I say so. But since the only thing that is keeping you here is the survival of your friends, when they die from whatever these stupid humans die from, you're probably going to try to escape. I may let you guys go if you're really good. And if not, you'll always have that luxury of suicide, once they're gone and their lives are no longer in danger.  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) Wow, that actually makes sense. Does she realize that her plan is actually making sense? No, probably not. We can only hope for so much.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) I don't get it!  
  
Courtney: As for the spell, removing it is just a bonus. They can live with it. So it's not really a part of the deal. However, since I'm so generous, if I'm pleased with one or both of you, I'll remove the spell off of one of each of your friends at a time. Now, since the singing you guys just did for me was so entertaining, and since I'm positive Angel's stories will be very entertaining and very embarrassing for Spike, I'll remove the spell off of one of your friends.  
  
Spike: Buffy!  
  
(Courtney let's out a big 'ha!')  
  
Courtney: (Very sarcastically) Yeah, like I's let you chose!  
  
Angel: Wait, since I'm also telling the story, do I get to remove the spell off of two friends?  
  
Courtney: Um, no!  
  
Angel: (Thinks to himself) That sucks!  
  
Courtney: Now, let me grab that stupid spellbook. Can't remove the stupid spell with my god powers, unfortunately.  
  
(She grabs the book and flips through it. Spike and Angel just stare at her, hoping that she'll remove the spell off of their love interests)  
  
Courtney: (Overly happy) Okay, ready!  
  
Courtney: (Begins reciting spell) Humans, humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. This animal I no longer wish to look upon, so make the animal vanish and be gone.  
  
(Back in the woods, Xander begins to glow).  
  
Spike: Hey, who did you just remove the spell off of?  
  
Courtney: Your good buddy, Xander.  
  
Spike: Couldn't you have just left him as an animal?  
  
(Courtney ignores him and recites the other spell)  
  
Courtney: Humans, humans, they all have their faults. Let's take the wound and fill it with salt. This child is becoming far too bold. Make him grow once again old.  
  
Angel: Hey, make sure he doesn't turn into an 80 year old man!  
  
Courtney: Damn, I was hoping you wouldn't notice that one! Aw well.  
  
(When Cliff reaches his age, she stops the spell)  
  
Spike: Say, how did you know the spell was for Cliff?  
  
Angel: Um, Spike?  
  
Spike: Yeah?  
  
Angel: Look at the movie screen.  
  
(He rolls his eyes and mutters to himself 'idiot')  
  
Spike: Ooooooooh.  
  
(Courtney opens one of the windows)  
  
Spike: Hey, watch it! I could get burned!  
  
(However, Courtney isn't paying attention to him. She is checking to see if the sun has set. It has.)  
  
Courtney: Time for the banquet!  
  
(She pushes them both out of the cheerbus and orders them to follow her to the banquet hall. They both bitch and complain to themselves)  
  
Next chapter will revolve around beer. Why? Because I have an idea… 


	23. Me want beer, me want beer! (Part one)

Scene 27: Me want beer, me want beer! (Part one)  
  
Okay guys, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
  
sorry for not updating. You all must have stopped reading. (Well obviously, since I haven't updated in over a month!)  
  
I feel REALLY guilty. I haven't looked at fanfiction in a month. I needed a break. It was driving me crazy. Well, now I'm back. Sadly, I'm not as into it as I used to be, but I will finish this story, even if it kills me.  
  
But for now on, NO promises about updates. I have no idea when I'm going to update. If you don't remember anything, feel free to reread the last chapter or two. Oh yeah, the next chapter will be more about beer. This one briefly mentions it.  
  
[This chapter is going to revolve around a specific theme… hmmm, you must be wondering what it is… oh yeah, that's right, I put it in the title!]  
  
(Spike and Angel are following Courtney into the cheercamp. She rings the bell on the side of one of the big doors, but when no body answers it, she gets really angry and punches a hole through one of the doors)  
  
Courtney: (Really pissed off) What the hell is wrong with them? Aren't they aware that someone must be waiting at the door in order to open it for me at all times?  
  
Angel: Conceited much?  
  
Courtney: Hey, is it so much to ask? A little respect for their beloved leader, cheerleaders more powerful than men, world domination…  
  
(However, Angel hasn't been paying attention to her. The sound of her voice is giving him a headache, so he pretends to hear something important in order to shut her up)  
  
Angel: Wait, hold on to that thought. I think I heard something.  
  
(He sees through the hole Courtney made through the door the figure of a girl sprawled out over a bench. It's her "faithful" henchwoman, Tammy. He smells the strong scent of alcohol on her lips and can hear her drunken slurs)  
  
Courtney: (Very impatiently) Well, what did you hear that was so important?  
  
Angel: Say, is that the sound of an alarm going off?  
  
Courtney: Oh my G-d, where?  
  
(She turns around, only to discover Angel has left)  
  
(Courtney is outraged) [Surprise, surprise!]  
  
Courtney: Okay, now I'm mad! Where the hell did that vampire go?  
  
Spike: Well, he's obviously NOT here. Can I go now?  
  
Courtney: (Pretends to think about it carefully) Hmmm, should I let you go. Tough decision. Um, no!  
  
Spike: Damn it! I hate you Angel, you, you, you, um, stupid poof!  
  
Courtney: Listen blondy!  
  
(Spike's face changes into his game face)  
  
Spike: Hey, NO ONE calls me blondy!  
  
Courtney: (In a teasing voice) And what are YOU going to do about it?  
  
Spike: This!  
  
(He steps on her foot really hard and runs away)  
  
Courtney: Ow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, that's it!  
  
(She takes a big breath and lets out a huge scream)  
  
MINIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET THE VAMPIRES! ESPECIALLY THE BLOND, TINY ONE!  
  
(As Spike is running, he screams from about a block away)  
  
Spike: Hey, who are you calling tiny?  
  
(Women #1,2,3, and 4 run out of the door)  
  
Courtney: Get him! I heard him scream. He can't be far.  
  
Spike: (Thinks to himself whilw running) Damn it, me and my big mouth!  
  
Courtney: (Screams at the top of her lungs) Go run after them! Find them, and when you do, send them to the "fun room!"  
  
Woman #1: Yes, your greatness!  
  
(Woman #1 runs in the direction Spike ran to, while the other three take the main road, looking for Angel)  
  
Woman #3: (Whispers to Woman #4 while running) Say, we have a fun room?  
  
Woman #4: I guess so.  
  
Woman #3: Cool!  
  
Woman #2: Say, after we find the vampire and bring him to some horrible torture, want to go out for a beer?  
  
Woman #3: Sure.  
  
Woman #4: Sounds good.  
  
(They continue to run and look for Angel)  
  
(Back outside the cheercamp doors)  
  
Courtney: (Screams at the top of her lungs) Woman in Bug and Woman in Minivan, get out here!  
  
(About 5 minutes later, a very tired looking President and Vice President are standing right in front of Courtney)  
  
Courtney: Say, don't you guys have names?  
  
Woman in Minivan: Well, yeah, but you never bothered learning them!  
  
(Woman in Bug elbows the Woman in Minivan really hard in the ribs)  
  
Woman in Bug; Shut up! Have some respect for our leader!  
  
Courtney: (In a very annoyed tone) Listen girls, I don't have time for this crap! Either you have names or you don't!  
  
Woman in Bug: Do you want us to have names, oh magnificant one?  
  
Courtney: (Thinks for a second) Nah. I already remember you by your cars.  
  
Woman in Bug: That is fine, oh great one. Now, is their anything else you wanted us for?  
  
Courtney: Well, duh! Like, I needed you guys to open the door!  
  
WIB: Oh, of course. How stupid of my vice president.  
  
WIM: Hey, what did I do?  
  
WIB: (Completely ignoring the WIM) Oh magnificant one, is there anything else you want?  
  
Courtney: Yes. Take me to the banquet. I'm hungry and in a bad mood, so the food better be good!  
  
(WIB and WIB turn a very white color)  
  
WIB: (Stutters out of nervousness) Um, wha, wha, what banquet?  
  
Courtney: (Talks to them like they are the biggest idiots on the planet) My banquet, duh! The one I had Tammy tell you to prepare!  
  
(Both look at each other blankly)  
  
Courtney: (VERY ANGERLY) DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU FORGOT!  
  
WIM: Um Courtney, we never got that message from…  
  
(However, before the WIM can finish, the WIB interrupts her)  
  
WIB: (Talks in a very fake sounding outraged voice) How could you be so stupid?!? Not giving me that important message!  
  
WIM: But I never got it!  
  
WIB: (Very fake sounding outrage) That's enough out of you! Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to destroy our cheerleading camp!  
  
WIM and Courtney: WHAT?!?  
  
Courtney: (Very pissed off) What the hell did you call it?!?  
  
(WIB realizes her misktake and fixes it right away)  
  
WIB: Um, did I say our cheercamp? Um, I totally meant yours.  
  
Courtney: Better.  
  
WIB: Say, can I fire her?  
  
WIM: WHAT?!?  
  
Courtney: No, she know too much. But I can't stand the headaches the two of you give me. WIM?  
  
WIM: Yes?  
  
Courtney: Your position is now being moved to Tammy's assistant.  
  
WIM: (A big smile comes on her face) Really?  
  
Courtney: Uh, yeah.  
  
WIM: (Sighs in relief) OH THANK G-D!  
  
(She skips merrily inside and sees Tammy on the bench. Tammy has passed out from the many beers she's had)  
  
(The WIM shakes Tammy in her excitedness and wakes her up. Tammy groans)  
  
WIM: Guess what?  
  
Tammy: (Completely out of it) They invented a pill that got rid of hangovers?  
  
WIM: (Jumping up and down in excitedness) No, ever better!  
  
Tammy: (Grumbles) What?  
  
WIM: I'm your new assistant.  
  
Tammy: Um, yeah?  
  
WIM: Oh, Im just so happy to get away from the WIB. So, what's my first lesson? What's my first job?  
  
Tammy: (Very groggily) Your first lesson is not to drink 6 beers and then fall asleep on a park bench. Your first job is not to wake me unless there's a fire or it's the end of the world.  
  
(Tammy falls back asleep)  
  
WIM: (Thinks to herself0 I wonder, do they have any more beer in the freezer?  
  
(This chapter was just to get me typing again. More later) 


	24. Not an update (sorry, i lied)

THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE!  
Okay guys, who am I kidding? I have no intention of finishing this story. It's not because I don't like it or anything. It's just that I've outgrown it. It's a burden on me. I will write a story in the summer, but I'm thinking of changing my name. I want to still write comedies, but more ironic and satirish (if that is a word). If anyone wants to continue the Bring It On story, you can. Just email me first. 


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